stuck

so i know the past few years feel like i am not really moving forward in my life. I feel like i am stuck in the mud. the mud continues to pull me down under no matter how much i am attempting to get out. the mud is self doubt, self hate, negativity, and pain. how can you get out of the mud if you have awful thoughts running through your mind the minute you wake up in the morning, until you put your head on the pillow at night? i’ve always been extremely hard on myself. i grew up  in a family where your appearance equals happiness. my family is very close and very loving, however, generation to generation we have always had the underlying belief that skinny is beautiful. my parents had me a lot later in life after they both had children and failed marriages. so my closest in age sibling is 16 years older than me. i obviously was the baby of the family. both of my mom’s daughters were in the miss america pageants a year apart. they are both very talented and very beautiful. because we have different fathers, we are not built the same and i do not look like them. i was always compared to them by everyone. i always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. at the very young age of 14, i was throwing up my meals. i would stay in the bathroom after dinner for hours trying to get it out. my family HAD to of known something was going on, but instead it was overlooked. my mother is a very beautiful woman as well. very tiny and petite. she was always compared to her twin sister and she always was trying to lose weight. i know that she has her own unhealthy way of viewing what is important and beauty, so i hate to blame my mother in all of this because i know she loves me and i know her intentions were not ill intended and she will never fully understand the pain many of her comments and actions have caused me and how it has effected my adult years. any time i have tried to have the discussion with her, it never goes great. she is in complete denial. in junior high i was a cheerleader and she would tell me i would be happier if i would lose a few pounds. she would tell me she would buy me something if i would lose 5 pounds. she would start hiding the treats and the butter. she will never admit to doing that, but she absolutely did it. she would look at my outfit up and down to see if my pants were too tight and just by her reaction to how i looked, would dictate whether my night was good or bad. i was counting calories, overeating treats when i was at my friends houses, and purging the minute i could find the right time, obsessing that my friends were skinnier than i was, comparing myself to everyone in sight. as i got older and when i moved out of the house, i was partying a lot with my friends and roommates and ended losing a lot of weight. at that time, i thought i was happy with myself, but i obviously wasn’t, but again my weight dictated whether i thought i was happy or not. after getting married, i stayed thin but when i look back, i didn’t consider myself thin. i was always very critical of myself. loving who i was never really happened, but it wasn’t something that was on my mind much. i mean it didn’t help that my husband was having affairs, but i always got compliments that i looked beautiful from my family, so i guess that means i was okay right?

well moving on to now. since the divorce and my illness, i’ve put on probably 20-30 pounds. i don’t even know how to say this without wanting to die. to admit out loud where i am is so humiliating. so i have never been able to really full ever heal. i’ve either used bulimia to feel better, drugs, or men. now the past few weeks loving who i am is on my mind. i’ve told myself if i lose the weight, i will love me for sure. but how can i lose the weight if i am so negative and down on myself? because obviously nothing has worked so far. i’ve tried a lot of things to lose weight, going to the gym, paying for food to be brought in that are low in calories and fat content, diets, etc.. nothing is working. i know that methadone doesn’t help but i’ve been coming down on my dose but it’s not helping. but how can i love myself NOW.. TODAY? how can i get out of the mud that is so thick? no one will ever love me, if i don’t love me. i can’t even stand to see myself in ANY pictures. and it makes it so hard to be around my family because the weight thing is still JUST AS IMPORTANT as it has always been. so it makes me not want to be around them because i feel so judged by them. i know they feel pity for me. i try to remember how i’ve overcome so much. i’ve gotten myself clean, i’ve gone through a painful divorce, i’ve overcome my health problems, i have been able to grow back my full head of hair, and i am a good mother. but non of that matters if i am not at the size i want to be. how can i change this way of thinking? yes, people say affirmations, and just do it, just LOVE YOURSELF, it’s as easy as that. but this is years and years of thinking. i don’t know how to change it. i want my kids to see me love who i am for once. i want to love me for me, and more than anything i want to find a man to love me for me. how can i get out of this freaking dark heavy mud that i have been stuck in for so long?

xoxo

playing the victim

doesn’t it seem like life just isn’t fair at times? it’s almost like i just got handed the shittiest hand time and time again. I HATE hearing people complain redundantly. And when i get on my blog, i think, maybe that’s all i do here. It’s my place to just vomit all over the blank page. then when I am finished typing and i publish my rant, i go back to savanna smiles (you might be too young to know who that it is).

i’m not afraid to work and i truly appreciate being able to bring in a paycheck. i was out of the working field for quite a few years while i stayed home to raise our two kiddos. even when i was home, i created an online boutique and handmade all the hair accessories and holders. it was something i enjoyed to do while i was a mommy. when divorcing j, i wasn’t afraid to get myself back out there. did i love the idea of not being home with the kids and having the luxury that i had before? no. but i believed in myself. it was hard for me cause i was  a lot older and i never finished college, so i don’t have a degree. but i found this job around the corner from my home (huge bonus) and they were very casual with my hours and the fact that if i needed to go get my kids from school, they made it very easy. the pay was not great, but the benefits of the job were huge. i was told that if i stuck with it, i would be able to work my way up quickly. last year our company was bought out by a very successful company. they promised that they were a competitive paying company. i stuck it out thinking they would make my pay higher. i took on a new role that was triple the work that i was doing before, on top of doing the same duties i was doing before. when asking if i got a higher pay with this new role, i was told that i need to prove myself. 8 months later, still holding strong and been given more and more tasks and gaining confidence with it. my annual review came up and i was prepared. i had my market value printed out and even got peer recommendations. after having the meeting with my manager, i felt confidently that i was going to get a good pay increase. he requested that i send my increase request to the CFO, who my manager reported to. i received an email back from him saying that after looking into my market value, i was due for a considerable pay increase and that my manager would sit with me in our next one on one meeting and give me the specifics. all through the holidays i was so happy and felt like i was finally being compensated for what i deserved. i kept asking my manager when were going to be able to meet and i got ignored and he avoided me almost weekly. during this time, i found out our office all got a $3,000 a year raise to bump us all up because we were the lowest paid office out of all the companies they bought out. after finally meeting with my manager, they told me that the only increase i was getting was the one they gave everyone. so basically i am still getting paid the same as when i started and from when i only did a small portion of what i do now. it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. i asked how that made sense with the work i was doing before compared to the work i am doing now how they can even explain how that is fair? they totally led me to believe i was getting a “considerable” pay increase when they weren’t planning at all to give me anything and just saying that i am getting a raise based off of the one they were going to give me regardless of my work increasing. i am truthfully sick about it. i’ve given this company all of me for 3.5 years now for basically nothing. i know what i have to do and that is find something else, but it’s so hard to do that. they have NO ONE right now that can step in for what i do. i feel like walking out and screwing them over. the hardest part of all this is that j has stopped paying me!! ya know, if i was getting my child support and alimony, i maybe could make this work but to not get the raise i deserve after working my ass off and proving myself to them just to get told no, all the while i am trying to raise my kids with no child support or alimony. how does that work? how is that fair? how is it that a grown ass man can quit a 3 figure paying job just to stop paying his obligations? all i want is to be given what was agreed to and get paid for the work i do with my job. all of it is completely fucked up. now i am really stuck in a bind.

on top of all this, the woman that stole my identity is getting away with it because the detectives dropped the case. so all three of things to me seem so unfair. and in all honestly, i do feel like a victim in these circumstances. i know i need to get out of the pity party and control what i can control, but i just want to bitch. i want WHAT IS MINE and i want WHAT IS FAIR. how hard is that?

okay let me take a breather 3 – 2- 1 – ACTION.

xoxo

savannah smiles 🙂

tis the season

It has been way too long. I don’t understand why I go through months of not writing. I think because I caught myself becoming a critical voice to everything I write. Kinda why I stopped sharing my feelings and experiences with friends or family. I can actually hear people saying “oh my God, get over it already. Move the hell on and stop complaining” or “you know the tools and what you need to do, but you continue to throw yourself back into the flame every time, so don’t come back here bitching if you don’t do anything to change your circumstances.” Does anyone else feel that way? But then I realized, as frustrating as I might be, the whole point of my blog is that it is a place for me to be myself and to share my thoughts to help heal myself. Another thought, I understand how frustrating I can be, because I am also frustrated with myself. The main cycle that repeats is allowing to my narcissist of an ex husband and father of my kids to continue to hurt me even though we are divorced. I try so hard to stand up for myself or not get myself in the same position.

So the whole year was decent as far as J goes and our co-parenting relationship has gone. Decent means that we didn’t spend the majority of the year fighting and causing unnecessary drama. At one point, we put everything aside for the kids and went to California to take them to the most magical place on earth, Disneyland. I do feel like we put our shit aside.. however, the more I look back, I was still walking on eggshells with him and there was even times where I kinda missed him and secretly thought what it would be like to be back together.. but I never let that thought last long. I know better, but I am human. Not having anyone to love and be loved by someone can cause stupid thoughts like that to jump back in, and to clear a few things up, no we never discussed anything of the sort and we never had anything romantic. We were just being platonic. Well about a month ago, he mentioned that I do a few family pictures with them. My first thought was, that’s weird and awkward, we are divorced. But then I thought I don’t want to be rude so maybe I’ll do one with them. He would say “it would be good for the kids.” He always made sure to say that so I knew that he didn’t want me in the pictures, but just because it was just for the littles. Well a couple days before the pictures he wrote me and said “Would you like me to help pick out your outfit?” I replied “No I am good thank you.” Which totally baffled me but didn’t at the same time. He has always thought his taste is impeccable. As a man, he has good taste, I’ll give him that but it always has annoyed me that he thinks that he needs to help me pick out an outfit. Maybe some women are completely lost when it comes to style, but I am not. I have great taste, but J has always offended me when it comes to this subject. There were times I would have the kids all dressed and lookin great and I would take them over to his house and he would go out of his way to change them and redo their hair… uhhhhh. What man would do that? Anyway, he finally responded with an asshole tone because I didn’t want his help and he flat out told me that he has a specific look he is going for and he doesn’t want me to ruin the picture or feel awkward and not apart. Just a side note, all the years we were married, I always planned our family pictures and we always got a lot of compliments and they always looked great. So I didn’t really appreciate him making me feel like I wasn’t capable of dressing myself or looking apart. As I was thinking about how to respond I get a second message following that said “and you are WELCOME for even asking you to be apart of our pictures.”  So I just kindly said that I appreciated him extended the offer to take pictures with them and that I think it would be best for just them to take the pictures and I let him know that I know how to dress myself. He didn’t like that. Next thing I knew, I was being harassed about what a selfish mother and coparent I was.

Next issue, child support and alimony. He quit his job in March of this year that was bringing him in 3 figures and I had been worried he would stop paying his obligations. I work hard and work 2 jobs but it’s not enough, his child support and alimony really helps. Well he quit and asked to meet about finances, he requested that he pays me more than half of what he normally owes just temporarily until he gets another job. Well 9 months now and he doesn’t work, in fact his job is supposedly selling stuff on eBay making no more than $1300 a month. He asked to meet up again when we were getting along and I thought he said he would continue to pay me only $500 but he wanted in writing that, that is all I would request cause he wasn’t planning on getting another job but he would pay all the arrears. So I told him we needed to think about it because I just don’t think it’s fair that I am working my ass off to get by why he sits on his ass all day and doesn’t pay me what he is supposed to.  I had been doing him a favor by just taking $500 but some of the months he only paid $200!! So when I requested at least the $500 for this month while we were supposedly thinking about it, he freaked and said that he was trying to tell me that he couldn’t even afford $500 and it wasn’t fair to expect more than that for what he brings in from selling stuff on eBay. The whole time I am thinking, I have been working with you for 9 months but by now you should have an official job and pay your obligations. He only wants to pay $200, are you kidding me? Especially when he is supposed to pay 5 times more than that according to our decree.  So when I told him that I never agreed to that, he actually threatened to take it to court. When he thought I would freak about that, I said I think that’s a great idea cause I know there is no way in hell a judge will ever grant someone that was making $150k for at least 10 years to voluntarily quit his job and expect to only pay $200. He has no reasons he shouldn’t be working. So that has caused a HUGE riff now with us. He continues to tell me how selfish I am and that all I care about is getting a paycheck, which is all a joke. I have worked so hard to get along with him. I was willing to work with him but the MINUTE I do anything that he doesn’t agree to, all hell breaks loose. I’ve been emotionally and verbally assaulted up an down, left and right, to the point where I couldn’t handle another word from him. I get anxiety seeing a message come through. The pain is real and too traumatic for me. So I would rather it be the way it is now, then to always know his bullshit is coming around the corner when I don’t agree with something. I am tired of feeling like I am a piece of trash. I hear it too much. He has made me afraid of him and then he wonders why I go silent. I can’t even respond, it does no good. So having things completely separate from him has actually been refreshing. I actually met with my boss last week and requested a pay raise and I a waiting to hear if I got it, keeping my fingers crossed. It would help me so much try to fill the gap from his lack of help.

In the mean time, I started talking to an old friend I knew from a job I had years ago. I never was attracted to him then but over the years I had been thinking that he seems like a good guy and one day he sent me flowers, we talked daily for a month but never met up. We would always talk about meeting up but it never happened.. but I just kept thinking it would eventually happen. I got really excited. Then out of the blue I haven’t heard from him in over a week. Just like that.. ghosted. Let me tell you how that felt. It makes it that much harder to ever put yourself back out there. I honestly have no clue what happened.  I keep trying to tell myself this is just a hard time and things will be different next year at this time. I am petrified I will never find anyone. I am not sure why it’s been SO hard for me to put myself out there and then when I do get asked out, why I find every excuse to not go. I never remember it being this hard before. Man, I really could use  some help. I wonder if therapy would be good for me, actually that’s a really stupid question. I know it would be. I think I need to get myself some therapy for my new years resolution.

After all this bitching, I truly am grateful to be where I am today. Driving back to work after going to my clinic today, I couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I was addict. How dark and dreary my life was. There was absolutely no light anywhere. It is very hard to shake that feeling and how disappointing it is that I ever let myself get there. But then I knew that forgiving myself and being proud of where I am today is what I need to do. It definitely isn’t easy but I know that’s what would really help me. My whole life is my beautiful kids. I am so grateful to be where I am and for my family that loves me every single day even though they know where I have been and what I have done to them with my choices. There are too many people suffering and we all need to do a better job at loving and forgiving, not just others but ourselves. I know I need to. A beautiful girl that I always looked up to in jr high and high school just passed away last week from anorexia. In her obituary it said she died of a broken heart and mental illness. We are all fighting a hard battle, and some people you would never even guess it. Our lives are too important. Let us all appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, tis the season, right?

Merry Merry Christmas, thank you for reading my novel. I sure do appreciate anyone that reads and also people that are brave enough to share. It’s not easy.

xoxo

light switch

I have really been struggling with my self esteem. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loving who I am, just the way I am. That’s completely foreign to me. When people say that, I am like…. “Huhhhhh? what’s that? How does that work?” It never came easy for me. Honestly, I don’t think it comes easy for anyone but I think people do it and they find a way to nurture themselves and love who they are, regardless how they look on the outside. I grew up in a home where beauty was prominent. But you weren’t beautiful unless you were thin. So being thin was even more important than being beautiful. I have two older sisters that are very beautiful to the eye. They are definitely head turners. They were both in pageants and were in Miss America and Miss USA and did very well. Wherever we go, they are stared at and it’s what our family knows. That’s the norm. My mother is very beautiful. She has an identical twin which means, she too is very beautiful. Beauty, beauty, beauty. My cousins are very stunning. They are all VERY THIN hence the beauty part. You can’t be beautiful without being thin. Did I mention that? No one has really had a weight problem, only because they have made SURE to never have a weight problem. They did what had to be done.. My mother had me 15-16 years after having them and I have a different father than them. So our genetic make up is different from the get go. They are platinum blondes and naturally thin. I have a darker complexion, and a my frame is definitely not the same. I have always been more muscular. I too have always been a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. So again, doing those things in my extra time, also focused on the weight situation.  I was never abused and told how ugly I was. I want to make sure that is known. I always had very loving parents. They always supported me in everything I did. However, I also saw what was important to my family. I thought it was normal until I started seeing other families and getting to know my friends. I was a cheerleader in junior high and I remember clear as day, that my mom would start hiding the butter. She even helped me do the cabbage soup diet when I was in 8th grade. At one point, she told me she would buy me something if I lost 5 pounds. She will never admit that she did that, but I could never forget it. I compared myself to EVERYONE. My friends were stick thin and my legs were bigger than theirs. It rocked my world. I didn’t understand why my body didn’t look like it used to and why it was changing and why I didn’t have skinny legs just like my friends and just like my sisters. I would go with my friends and they would eat anything they wanted. I would eat with them but immediately feel guilty.. it would consume me that I couldn’t even enjoy what was going on because I knew I had food in my stomach that was going to make me fat or gain weight. So I would go in the bathroom and try making myself vomit. I knew my sisters had also had bulimia, so maybe if I did it, I would look like them and then I also wouldn’t feel guilty every time I ate cause I couldn’t control myself from eating anything that are labeled as “bad”.. I eventually got to the point where it was easier. At that point, my innocence was taken away. I remember vividly being at a birthday party and eating cake and whatever else they have at birthday parties, and as a young girl I was tucked away in the bathroom with the tap water running and the fan on, trying to get every little piece up and out of my stomach so I could go and enjoy the rest of the party. That breaks my heart for the little me that was in there missing out on all the games the other kids were playing. I look at other 8th graders now and think there is no way I can imagine one of those little kids being that worried about weight that she would be doing such harmful things to herself.  How could my mom not know? She had to of known. At one point, I told her.  It was a cry for help. I don’t remember her ever being worried or surprised. I just remember being taken to a therapist one time for it. Besides that, it wasn’t talked about.

In high school, I still struggled with bulimia. I didn’t have enough self control to not eat, which is why I couldn’t be anorexic. I tried, believe me. I would go on chat rooms and forums with other people dealing with the same issues. It wasn’t to help me over come it, it was to feed the addiction. To get ideas. I counted calories, then would accidentally eat something that wasn’t allowed, and the minute I did that, I would just give in and eat whatever and then spend the next hour in the bathroom. What a disgusting and vicious cycle. I was jealous of anorexics. They had willpower. They could literally control themselves. Now looking back, it was the opposite of control in a way. But then and even now, I still wish I had the self control to not eat. My face was always round, but it got even more puffy and swollen with throwing up. I never felt like I got thin from throwing up. It became more about throwing up just because I couldn’t handle the feeling of feeling like I had food in my stomach. The guilt was far too great. I can’t sit and have conversations. I can’t just sit with myself feeling that feeling. I got to the point where I didn’t have to try very hard, I could just lean over and throw it all up. One memory in particular was in class they handed out donuts. After I ate the donut, I was mortified. I always heard of people using ipecac syrup and thought I would try it out. But nothing immediately happened.. my dad then asked me to go to lunch and as we were there, it took full effect and I was running to the bathroom vomiting everywhere. How humiliating for me. But no one ever said anything in my family.  I was on the drill team and I remember having a big performance and I had to wear full on spandex from neck to toe. I remember very clearly my mom making disgusting looks my way. I was not stupid. I would watch her look me up and down. I had never felt so shameful. If my mom would tell me how good I looked, I knew that I really looked good and I would have a good night. If my mom looked at me and didn’t say anything, I would know she was not happy with how I looked. It got to the point where depending on my mom’s response, I would be able to feel good about myself that night. How fucked up is that?

Years passed and it was still something very prominent in my life. But I started partying and dabeling into the party drugs. I moved out with my best friend and I didn’t see my mom as much. The pressure was always there, but it lifted a bit when I moved out. As I was getting unhealthy with drugs and alcohol, I noticed my weight come down drastically. Funny how that happens. It just made my unhealthy lifestyle worse and condoned it. I started hearing so many compliments on how pretty I was and how good I looked. Just what I have always wanted. Yet the vomiting was still a thing. I still was uncomfortable with having calories in my stomach. I just didn’t obsess about it as much. I didn’t count my calories. It was such a relief.

As time went on and I matured, I became less friendly with the bathroom floor and the toilet. I still would visit it from time to time, but I became a mom and I tried really hard to stop thinking about myself and more about them. I wanted a change. I look back at pictures and I looked so good, but I could see my sad eyes. My soul was miserable. It really didn’t help that my husband was looking at pornography behind my back and having affairs. That always was a big reminder that I was not enough. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was. He never ever said anything but that I was perfect the way I was. But actions spoke louder than words. I had seen the effects that bulimia had caused physically not just emotionally. I had developed ulcers in my stomach. It was brutal. My teeth were very sensitive and thin and still are today.

As you know, my divorce hit and all hell broke lose. The addict in me came out full force. I couldn’t handle my feelings of inadequacy any longer. I couldn’t handle actually losing what I had worked so hard for, for 10 + years. I did things I never thought I would ever do. At the time, I didn’t see the future. I just did what I had to in order to numb what I was feeling at the time. For 2 years, I messed my life up horribly. I got down to 100 pounds but that wasn’t the focus any more. Staying away from withdrawal was my only focus. I even had my attorney tell me that I needed to wear 3 pairs of pants to court, so I didn’t look so stick thin.

I finally was able to kick the habit after many times of trial and error. After living hell every day for 2 years. But unfortunately, I made the decision to get on methadone. At the time, I didn’t look at the negative effects. I didn’t think about how hard it would be to get off of it. I just wanted to survive and live a normal life. So here I am 2.5 years clean, and 30 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I’ve questioned what is better, to be a full addict and thin or to be completely clean and heavy. How sad is that? I had no idea that methadone would cause so much weight gain. I thought it was just me not doing enough and my metabolism shot from all the hell I put my body through. But the past few months, I have worked out almost every day and ate extremely clean. I have never worked SO hard to lose weight. I have not seen ONE pound come off. I am starting to feel obsessed again. I have never been this insecure. I hide in huge clothes. I will purposely look down when I walk passed a reflection or mirror. When pictures are being taken, I will dread it and try to walk away.. or I will only take a pic if I can take it myself through an amazing filter and even then, it’s very iffy. Being around my family is extremely difficult. I want to die. My niece was usually known for being kinda bigger. I wasn’t alone. Well recently, she’s lost all of her weight and has completely turned into one of those girls that constantly is taking selfies and getting a ton of a attention. Her and my sisters are still head turners. I am completely opposite of them. When I run into people that used to know me, I can see them not recognizing me or wondering “what happened to her?” In fact, when J has ended up going off on me and we argue, I will never forget the words out of his mouth “everyone wonders what happened to you… you don’t look anything like you used to. Everyone feels sorry for you.”

So now the back story has been explained. My mom has been extremely “supportive” by paying for my gym membership and also my meal planning that I am getting. She doesn’t really have a ton of money, but she finds a way to help me. I know that she is trying her damnedest to be helpful. But knowing what I’ve been through with her, it’s also hard cause I know that she’s doing it cause she wants me to be thin.. and what she says is she wants me happy. Which yes, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to look like this. So long story short, I don’t think she realizes she knows what she is doing and that it hurts me. The other day I ended up crying to my parents about how discouraging it is to work this hard and sacrifice this much and not see any change. I also explained how I am stuck between a rock and hard place with being on methadone. I know that it is the main culprit and methadone is not something you can just come off of. You have to be smart about it. So I am on a weaning program of 2 mg a week. That’s the best I can do and the fastest I can wean being responsible and having my sobriety as the upmost importance. Anyway, the next day, I felt like there was some hope with my mom. She had text me saying “I am really sad and angry knowing how you’ve always felt about yourself. I love you and want you happy.” There was a sense of relief in that text. I kid you not, an hour later I saw a missed call from her. I saw a voicemail was there. I went to listen to it and realized the voicemail was an accident and she was having a conversation with my dad in the car and she had no idea she had called me. These are some of the things I heard her say.. “she is very heavy. She has let herself go. What does she expect, to lose all the weight that fast? She has to stop opening her mouth to any and everything. I am sick of hearing how unhappy she is. She needs to start running and doing what it takes and stop blaming her medication on her weight. This isn’t going to change over night. She has become a big girl.”  Typing this out has me in utter disbelief and so much shame. Now am I surprised that she feels that way? Not really. To hear her say it like that, was extremely hurtful. To hear the person that gave birth to you talk about you in that way is something I can’t describe. I already am so hard on myself. I just wish I had nothing but love from her. Not judgement. It was as if the little bit of soul I had left was completely crushed.

I text her and let her know I heard her talking about me and as much as I appreciate all that she has done, that I need to take some time to work on myself without knowing how she feels about me effecting my progress or journey. She immediately started writing me and calling me about how sorry she was and how much she just wants my happiness. She said she cried the whole night knowing that I heard her talking about me. But it doesn’t change the pain that is there.

I don’t know how to just turn this all around. I know that self esteem should come from within and because I haven’t been able to figure this all out is why I have dealt with addiction and depression. I can read all the self help books in the world, but how do I change what has been pressed inside of me since I was little? I don’t want to be that mom that is just worried about how she looks, because I want to say I have more depth to me than that, but do I? Obviously not. How am I going to change this for my daughter? It obviously is too late for me and my happiness, but what about my daughter? My beautiful perfect innocent daughter?

My self esteem and beliefs can’t just change like a light switch. I honestly am at a loss. How do I move on realistically with where I am at today. How am I ever going to be able to love myself, let alone love someone else. No wonder I can’t move on from my marriage/divorce. I have overcome SO much in my life, but this is the one thing that is holding me back from saying I am truly happy. How can I stop hiding? How can I look in the mirror and see what I am supposed to see?

xoxo

waking up

I dropped all the pain and hurt. I looked at J differently. He was who I married in 2003. I had the renewal of love. I had my family back. It was the most unreal feeling. I haven’t felt love, excitement, and hope like this in so many years. All the hurt was gone and forgiveness replaced it. There was a new breath of life in my lungs. Almost indescribable. We re-built our dream life together. This is what love was supposed to feel like. I forgot every thing that ripped my heart in pieces. What happened before didn’t matter any more because of where we were at that point. Looking at his face was like looking at him when we got married, when we had our first baby boy, and then onto our baby girl. Laughing was back in my life. Passion was back in my eyes. It was as if the past 4 years never happened. Then I viciously woke up. The pain of opening up my eyes and realizing it was all a dream was hell. The reality of being in my bed alone, took my breath. It was as if I was stabbed right in my heart. The pain was too strong to voice. The pain was familiar. I felt like I was starting my separation all over again.

This weekend broke my spirit. As if the pain wasn’t written all over my face, I had to go sit with him all day at our daughters soccer game and dance competition. I wanted us to go back to my dream and have it be real. I caught myself yearning for him. WTF. He had sex appeal that I have pushed so far down and not let myself feel.

I truly believe that I used drugs and my ex boyfriend to numb the pain so I didn’t have to feel the actual pain of walking away from my marriage, the many years I gave myself to him. So NOW after being sober, I am grieving real life hell that I went through in a messed up state of mind. I went home Saturday night alone and bawled myself asleep. I wanted the past 4 years to have been a nightmare that I wake up from. I wanted his narcissism self to be part of my imagination.I am afraid I am never going to look at another man like I used to him. No one ever catches my attention. I wanted all the painful remarks to not be reality. But the truth is, it is real. It is my reality and somehow I need to pull myself back from this dream. I need to put back on my big girl pants on and keep fighting for my happiness and what is real in my life now. God, help me.

xoxo

 

 

change is in the air

Well a few weeks ago, I was walking into the week with a smile on my face, not knowing what was about to happen. Out of the blue I get a message from J asking if I had insurance at my work and how much it was to get the kids on it. I tried to not alert myself, but soon after he told me to start preparing my budget for his payments to change because he was going to be quitting his job. This guy has it good where he is. He makes over a $110k and a ton of perks. He is trying to blame me for his reason for quitting. Years ago when we were in the middle of our divorce, he and B were caught in their affair at work (yes they both work together at this company) and B’s husband at the time got in touch with me and asked me some questions. Soon after, B’s husband started a lawsuit with the company and used some of the information he got from me. At the time, I was just being honest about what had happened to my knowledge and what he did with it had nothing to do with me. Since then, he has continued to blame me for his problematic reputation at work. Years ago he was able to manipulate everyone and was grooming so many women. He was able to keep his job, but anytime someone catches on to who he “really is” he looks into the possibility of quitting.  And let me remind you, he and B broke up again, so I am sure this is another big reason he is leaving.. So last week he cornered me at our daughters birthday party and said that he couldn’t stay at that job any longer and I needed to prepare for it. I immediately freaked and started asking everyone around me if he can just stop paying me. I got so many different responses. I was able to ask an attorney and he basically said that he can’t just stop paying me. I mean, technically he can, but he would have to fill out some modification papers. The court more than likely goes off of what he is capable of earning, so it shouldn’t shift too much. But yes, I am very worried about my life, cause I know people tell me that I shouldn’t rely on child support and alimony to survive but unfortunately I have had to. I work full time, and don’t make great money but I have been hoping to work up the ladder and possibly go back to school when the time was right and also have the flexibility to be the mom I need to be, being so close to their school, working from home if needed, etc..  I haven’t wanted to argue with J, so I’ve just let him say what he wants and hoped that when the time came for him to quit, that he looks into everything  beforehand. I do not have the money to go back to court and get an attorney right now. I don’t understand why this man would go quit his job before he had something else lined up. At first he said he was going to start a business, but now he said he isn’t sure if that is going to work out. He told me that I need to get the kids into doctors now before it was too late with their insurance.

So with the added pressure financially, I worked up the nerve to go talk to my boss about the possibility of getting a raise to my income. Not just because of my personally situation. In fact, not because of it.. but because I’ve worked hard and started new responsibilities recently. I felt like he completely scooted around the issue and said that they don’t normally change the pay right away with new responsibilities and they want to see how I do in this new role for 60-90 days. In the middle of all of that, he at one point said “well you would need to tell me what exactly you need..” but then never circled back to it. So I walked out of that room confused and discouraged. So since then, I’ve come to work every day pissed off and hating my job and looking for new work. But as I look for new work, I am reminded how it wouldn’t be good timing to change jobs if J is and the kids will need my benefits (even if the premium will triple).

So since the reality of all of this, life has felt like shit. I have a pit in my stomach and thinking about how I am going to survive is on my mind every single part of the day and the night. I am not sleeping. I am hating myself for not having the schooling and feeling like a failure right now. What am I doing? I hate relying on anyone. J’s attitude towards everything is that he has sacrificed staying at this job working his ass off for years now and I shouldn’t be able to just live off of him, and that I am cheating my kids every single day that I work at a shit job, and that if I have to get a 2nd job to support myself then it’ll be fine since he will be home more now.

Welcome to my world of being an ex wife to a complete narcissist.

xoxo

how

What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

SURPRISE

STOP, reverse, erase….

Miss B and J are back on again. I think my head left still spinning…

I have know this for a while, but I better just say it like it is… these two affect me way too much. Duh duh duhhhhh. I feel pathetic. What goes on with them shouldn’t be something that alters my day or my mood. This has got to stop. Why am I letting it upset me? Again, it’s got to stop. The only thing that should be affecting me is the protection of my kids. The rest of it is not my business.

Sometimes there is a small bit of satisfaction when I hear about their issues. But it hurts and upsets me every time they get back and shove it all over social media and in front of my face at my kids activities. It’s comical. I know the drill by now.

J’s cousin is a good friend of mine still and isn’t that close to him and his family. We were talking today and just like a lot of you, she feels like I need to put my foot down and start setting my boundaries, starting with the fact that he completely ignores what’s in the divorce decree. It’s always at his convenience. He is the one that wanted us to not have sleepovers with the opposite sex unless we were married when the kids were in our care, now he just ignores that. When I told him that it has to stop, he said “Stop being a jealous ex wife and get over yourself. She is a girlfriend of 4 years and someone that is going to be in their lives indefinitely, so move on.” So I am not dealing with a normal human being here. I haven’t brought it up since. So I’ve got to come up with a game plan that if he doesn’t stick to the decree, then shit is going to go down. No more being nice, and being taken advantage of. Who gives a shit what I think, right?  I am the mother of these kids and I  better start earning some God damn respect. Enough is enough. I am not sure how I am going to go about it all, but I better start getting a game plan in action. My kids deserve better. J go do what you want with Miss B, just leave our kids out of it.

So cheer me on while I put my big girl panties on.

xoxo

heart

So some big changes since I last wrote, miss B and J have now broken up. From what I hear, she wanted him to commit to getting pregnant and marriage on her specific timeline and he wasn’t ready. This is what he told a friend I know. I think maybe some of that is true, but then again, I think there is way more to the story then he will ever admit to. When we were married, every ex girlfriend always begged for him back and he always broke up with them, which we all know is far fetched. I shouldn’t be surprised that they are broken up, but every time I kinda get shocked. I automatically assume they are finally happy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. When it comes to her wanting to bring a baby into their relationship, it blows my mind. I know that she knows how abusive he is, and how they don’t stay together longer than 2 months at a time, yet she wants to selfishly have a baby. No wonder we have so many single mom’s and kids without parents together still. I feel like that is somewhat child abuse, but then again I stayed with him and had two babies. I feel like I had more to hold on to than they do, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.

Today’s is Valentine’s. Valentine’s has always been something I used to always look forward to. I have gone quite a few Valentine’s consecutively single, but not alone. As hard as it can be at times feeling like “poor me” I am quickly reminded about how truly lucky I am. My kids always do something to make me feel special and loved. There aren’t a lot of mothers that get spoiled like I do. My kids are young and somehow they always try to think what they can do for me to feel loved. I got teary eyed today thinking about how quickly they are growing up and how one day I will wish I could go back to this moment and appreciate it. Today, I made them their traditional heart pancakes before school and they both came and gave me a Valentine’s balloon that they bought at the store together without me knowing. They both started fighting because they each wanted to hold it and give it to me and I got mad at them for fighting. I wanted to throw the towel in because I am tired of the endless fighting that they do, but I know this is all the “age and stage” that I referred to in a previous post and I need to look at the big picture. I am watching them grow up before my eyes and I get a front seat to it. I get to watch them fall and get back up. I get to wake up to them after a long night. I get to wipe their tears. I get to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I get to embarrass them with honking the horn and waving to them goodbye when I drop them off to school. We laugh so much together and enjoy so many things as a family of 3. I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I have a lot of emotional pain that I face day to day, but it all goes away the minute I think of the blessings I have for being sober and taking an active role in their lives. I know what it’s like to check out and not be there even when I am there. I know what it’s like to love them but not show them because I was too selfish. I know what it is like to see them disappointed.  I can say without any doubt, that this Valentine’s Day, yes I do not have a boyfriend or a spouse to love me, but I have two perfect children’s hearts that love me deeper than anyone else possibly could. They make my world go round. They are what Valentine’s is all about.

Happy V Day to all of you followers that are happily married, going through a divorce, unhappily married and wanting out, newly divorced, single, a recovered addict, an addict, codependent, depressed, bipolar people out there. I am grateful for all of you and appreciate your love and support.

xoxo

 

miss B

I desperately don’t want to be that woman that hangs on to the same negative bullshit that her ex husband has caused and how she is scorned. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t quite get over his new life and his new woman. I feel like I come on to this blog and bitch about the same thing repeatedly. So I apologize. However, I didn’t create this blog to help me heal. So I think it’s a very fine line in allowing yourself to vent and be upset and start the healing process and then just bitching over and over and never finding resolution. I appreciate everyone of you that comments on my posts and involve yourself, it really does help me more than you know. Every time I show that I have a comment, it’s like the giddy kid in me every time I would get a letter in the mailbox. So now that I have expressed what I don’t want to do, let me get right to it and bitch some more (haha)…

Let me go back 6 months ago (I believe I touched on this, but never did explaining).. Miss B is my ex’s longtime on and off girlfriend.. she also was cheating with my husband the last year of my marriage which is why I have a bad taste in my mouth for her from the get go. They both work together and I was always worried about this woman working with my husband. I knew that he had a history with sleeping with his co-workers and he had a sex addiction, then when I saw her for the first time, I saw how beautiful she was. She had long black hair, tan skin, thin, beautiful big white teeth, a very reputable career, and very single. J always comforted me and told me I had nothing to worry about, as if that meant anything. She would always smile and compliment me on how beautiful I was and what a beautiful family I had when I would see her at work events. I eventually found 300 text messages between them on my birthday the last year of my marriage. Still, promising me they had nothing going on and really wanting to believe it. Found out she was engaged and we were invited to her wedding. The day of her wedding, I felt very awkward going to it when I felt like something was going on.  We ended up arguing and he went without me. Fast forward when I finally checked out, numbed myself with anything I possibly could, and got a restraining order, I found out that they had been on a few “business” trips together and that they had been seeing each other for some time. Her new husband is the one to tell me. She asked for a divorce from her new husband so she could be with my husband. To this day, they will never admit to their affair.

There was so many times I wanted to warn her what she was getting herself into. I lived through so much and even though it was hard to see her with J, there was a part of me that felt bad for her. Did she really know how emotionally abusive he could be? How much he cheated on his wife? How much porn he was addicted to? She couldn’t know, or else she would never ever sign up for it. I know how charming he is and how he will dazzle you and make you feel like you are the only woman for him. Everyone in the room will be jealous that he is all yours. People will be envious of your relationship and wish they could have the same. I know because again I lived it. But when all was said and done, things change. The honeymoon ends. The door shuts and real life happens.

About 6-7 months ago, I received an email from her. My heart dropped. When reading it, she opened up to me and became a real woman that had real problems. Everything I wanted to warn her about, she was emailing me saying she had experienced. It’s hard for me to say that it didn’t validate me in some ways, but in other ways, I started looking at her as more than just the other woman that broke up my marriage. She had only heard stories of my marriage and the bitch that I had been during and after our marriage. She informed me that they had broken up for good and she felt it was time to reach out to the one woman that more than likely had experienced similar circumstances and that could understand the hurt. I was very apprehensive to respond and open up but after weeks of going back and forth, I finally started opening up about my side of the story. I really started thinking I could trust her. She apologized to me for so many times coming in and out of my children’s lives without caring for their wellbeing, and only thought about her’s. She regretted doing that and wished she could change that. I forgave her. We met up a few times and swapped very similar stories. Again this was all very validating. She told me so many awful things that happened with my kids there in his custody from drinking to sex to emotional abuse. She really didn’t hold anything back. She even admitted to me that she was very childish and needed his attention so much that she would push my kids aside while they were all together. All this time I was home crying feeling bad, there was so many problems going on. How did I not know? I opened up to her so much about how my kids hated him. About all of my thoughts about taking him back to court, and she wanted to help me getting the kids taken away from him.

After all these months, J and I had plans for Christmas with the kids. He continued to ask me to stay over night. I finally agreed. The night before, he called me and told me he felt it was a bad idea and it wasn’t comfortable for the kids. I knew something was up. He was the one that basically begged me to stay beforehand. Whenever Miss B and J break up, J and I start having a better relationship. He starts being easier to work with and coparent with. So when I got a long ass text from Miss B, my heart sank. I got this message literally as I was driving up to drop the kids off to J for my son’s birthday. As I pulled up, I got a message alert from her and at the same time I saw Miss B’s new luxury car in front of his house. HOLD ON, not only are they back together, but she is doing the one thing she apologized for. They didn’t take even a few days to introduce her back to the kids lives.  This long message was so long and just giving excuse after excuse for getting back together with him. Telling me that he is a changed man.. lol. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She had just did 6 months of major therapy, realizing how abusive and manipulative and narcissistic he was. She even told me that she really hurt him by talking to me and she couldn’t keep what I shared with her a secret. She told him everything I ever shared with her. At the end of the message, had the audacity to want to still be friends. I watched my son’s face drop when he realized she was there. I could see in their faces that they were thinking about how things were going to change and the first thing out of his mouth was, “why on my birthday? Could he not wait.” It broke my heart. I wrote her a message back that said something about how I am not surprised they are back together because I know all too well the toxic cycle they are in, but if anything I am really bothered she came right back into my kids lives without even a thought. Everything she apologized and regretted, she turned around and did the exact same thing. They were being selfish. When they get back together, they go through a honeymoon stage where they can’t go a minute without each other and then they post it all over social media. It literally is so sad. She wrote me back and told me she felt like I was fraud to her and she is disappointed in me. I literally had nothing much to say.

Since then, they play “house” with my kids. She knows I see her Facebook posts and every other weekend when my kids go with them, and she goes out of her way to post pics of her and my kids like they are her own. It is a punch in the gut every time. This last weekend, she was left with my daughter while J and my son went to a wrestling event. She posted pictures of my daughter and her having a spa day. I do my best in showing my kids that I am happy for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t have a good time with them. They are literally going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Since they have got back together a month ago, they have broken up already once and got back together. I know they aren’t happy, but why does it bother me so bad?

I truly believe that she wants a family of her own so bad and if she really needs my kids to fill that void, I’ll share them with her. I can do that because I know at the end of the day, they will always want me. They want me when they are sick, sad, hungry, tired, lonely, etc.. She is literally just a fill in while I can’t be there. I have to keep reminding myself of that. One thing that bothers me is in our custody agreement, J is the one that put in it that we cannot have sleepovers with that of the opposite sex unless married when kids are in our presence. She sleeps over every single night they are together. Every other weekend they go stay at her place and my kids sleep on the floor. This really bothers me. He thinks he is above our agreement, yet if I were to do that, he would have my ass back in court. I struggle wondering what to do. Do I do something about it or do I ignore it? My poor son at the age of 10 walked in on them having sex on the kitchen counter at dinner time. So this isn’t a couple that is smart. They have sex like monkey’s and drink non stop. My poor kids don’t need to be around that. One day when I find someone, J will get a taste of what he has put me through but the difference is, I will never do what he has done with my kids around.

I really struggle with Miss B and J. I try really hard to let it go, but it gnaws at me. It is constantly thrown in my face. I am always the single mom alone and they are always holding hands when we go to my kids activities. I don’t need them to be unhappy for validation in myself, but why does it still bother me? How can I move the hell on?

xoxo