how

What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

heart

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So some big changes since I last wrote, miss B and J have now broken up. From what I hear, she wanted him to commit to getting pregnant and marriage on her specific timeline and he wasn’t ready. This is what he told a friend I know. I think maybe some of that is true, but then again, I think there is way more to the story then he will ever admit to. When we were married, every ex girlfriend always begged for him back and he always broke up with them, which we all know is far fetched. I shouldn’t be surprised that they are broken up, but every time I kinda get shocked. I automatically assume they are finally happy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. When it comes to her wanting to bring a baby into their relationship, it blows my mind. I know that she knows how abusive he is, and how they don’t stay together longer than 2 months at a time, yet she wants to selfishly have a baby. No wonder we have so many single mom’s and kids without parents together still. I feel like that is somewhat child abuse, but then again I stayed with him and had two babies. I feel like I had more to hold on to than they do, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.

Today’s is Valentine’s. Valentine’s has always been something I used to always look forward to. I have gone quite a few Valentine’s consecutively single, but not alone. As hard as it can be at times feeling like “poor me” I am quickly reminded about how truly lucky I am. My kids always do something to make me feel special and loved. There aren’t a lot of mothers that get spoiled like I do. My kids are young and somehow they always try to think what they can do for me to feel loved. I got teary eyed today thinking about how quickly they are growing up and how one day I will wish I could go back to this moment and appreciate it. Today, I made them their traditional heart pancakes before school and they both came and gave me a Valentine’s balloon that they bought at the store together without me knowing. They both started fighting because they each wanted to hold it and give it to me and I got mad at them for fighting. I wanted to throw the towel in because I am tired of the endless fighting that they do, but I know this is all the “age and stage” that I referred to in a previous post and I need to look at the big picture. I am watching them grow up before my eyes and I get a front seat to it. I get to watch them fall and get back up. I get to wake up to them after a long night. I get to wipe their tears. I get to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I get to embarrass them with honking the horn and waving to them goodbye when I drop them off to school. We laugh so much together and enjoy so many things as a family of 3. I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I have a lot of emotional pain that I face day to day, but it all goes away the minute I think of the blessings I have for being sober and taking an active role in their lives. I know what it’s like to check out and not be there even when I am there. I know what it’s like to love them but not show them because I was too selfish. I know what it is like to see them disappointed.  I can say without any doubt, that this Valentine’s Day, yes I do not have a boyfriend or a spouse to love me, but I have two perfect children’s hearts that love me deeper than anyone else possibly could. They make my world go round. They are what Valentine’s is all about.

Happy V Day to all of you followers that are happily married, going through a divorce, unhappily married and wanting out, newly divorced, single, a recovered addict, an addict, codependent, depressed, bipolar people out there. I am grateful for all of you and appreciate your love and support.

xoxo

 

obliterate

ob·lit·er·ate

əˈblidəˌrāt/
verb
  1. destroy utterly; wipe out.

This weekend was supposed to be full of fun events and spent with family coming from out of town. Instead I spent most of it physically there with them, but emotionally in a deep dark hole somewhere in the ground. The pain was just too much to take this time. I’ve been divorced for quite a while but the words that came out of his mouth hasn’t been this deadly since our divorce started. His narcissism always comes out to play in ways when we co-parent our kids, but hasn’t been directed at me in a very long time.

To give you a sweet and short back story, what sent him off was when he sent me a message saying that one of my family members that was coming from out of town “creeped him out” and wanted me to make sure our kids stay away from him. Now I can respect his feelings, but he can’t control what I do with our kids during my time. I told him that I appreciate and respect his concerns, but I’ve never thought of this family member that way but I always keep an eye on our children and they are never with anyone alone. After that, I started receiving message after message demeaning everything about me. When he talks about Brayden and Danielle, they are my niece and nephew that my mom and dad basically raised because my sister got divorced and wasn’t in a very good place during those years while the kids were small. When I went through my addiction during our divorce, I have always admitted I wasn’t in a good place and I dated a man that wasn’t good for me or good for my children. I never cheated on my husband with him, but my ex can’t fathom that I left him because he had cheated on me multiple times and his actions made me lose who I was. I don’t blame him for everything, God only knows I am far from perfect, but those things hurt me and made me not want to continue to move forward in our marriage. I felt like I didn’t have any other choice. I stayed for 10 years through too many girlfriends he had on the side, and the emotional abuse had taken it’s toll. I had my faults that definitely didn’t help our marriage, but let’s just say I didn’t cheat on him nor did I abuse him. While we were married, he wanted me to be a stay at home mom, during that time I started my own boutique, worked as a marketing assistant to many companies, etc..  but with him, it was never good enough. I was never good enough. Since I got clean and sober in November of 2014, I continue to spend all of my energy on my relationship with my kids. I completely became the mother my kids deserve to have. When I was married, I always thought I was a good mom, but until I went through all of the crap I have, I realized how distracted I was from them-  from my marriage, social media, and basically trying to keep up with all the mothers in the neighborhood. When I got clean, I gave them all of me. They are my happy place. We do everything together. We are best friends, but I always try to be their mother first. My ex has always been a good dad, but I always felt it was out of show. I believe he absolutely loves our children, but he loves himself more. Especially during our divorce, he fought for them in court, but the minute he got 50/50 custody, things started to change. He started drinking and going out with friends even during his time with the kids. I have always picked up his slack.. not for him, but for my kids because I want to be with them. But I hate helping him out. He has completely ignored our divorce decree and had his girlfriends sleep over while the kids are in his home. I’ve always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and honestly I hate contention, which he uses to his advantage. The kids cry almost every single time they know it’s time to go to dad’s house. He has broken up with his girlfriend 10 times and there is no consistency for them. Which is one of the huge reasons I don’t date yet, he dates enough for both of us:) I apologize, this “short and sweet” back story has turned into a novel. To get to the point.. below are the messages I received on Saturday night as I was driving to my family event (caution: many typos and cussing.  He must have been drinking):

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As you notice, I do not respond. Within the hour of the abuse, he turns around and asks for the kids and I to come out to a game that he is at. It blows my mind that he thinks that I would even consider it. But then again this is a narcissist for you. I continue to not respond and I get message after message at night and during the next day, till I finally let him know the kids are great. Later after I wrote that he said, “good to know.” I always go back and forth on what to say to him, but I have learned for 14-15 years that no matter what I say, he will come back with 10 responses. It doesn’t matter what I respond with. I have to remind myself, I am not dealing with an emotionally healthy person. I can’t have a normal conversation with this man, which is ultimately why we aren’t married today.

During all of this time, I receive an email from his on and off again girlfriend that he cheated on me with. I can never tell her angle or what her reasoning is for reaching out to me is. She basically tells me that they broke up and she is sorry for coming in and out of the kids lives again and she loses herself every time she is with my ex. I completely ignore it. It’s all just a little much and I don’t want to get involved, nor should I have to.

After this, I am sitting watching my niece take this lady on a tour of her home (we had a huge family/friend get together for my nephew that is going away for 2 years on an LDS mission) and as she is pointing out people in the family picture, I hear her say “This is my aunt (she is talking about me), she doesn’t look like this anymore because she has lost her hair and it’s just growing back in.” Almost as if she is explaining why I am not as pretty as I used to be. Which was hard enough to hear, but during the time I am thinking “why the hell is she even saying this or explaining anything to this woman I don’t even know?” and the lady responds to her, “oh from drugs??” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who told her that? Why is she talking about me and knows anything about my ugly past? I wanted to stop her there and say “Just so you know, that’s me and I am proud of where I am today. I might not look like that anymore, but I am healthier now more than I ever was that picture” But instead I sheepishly turned away and walked in another room as my tears started streaming down my face. I felt violated and completely broken down. I couldn’t take the judgement, the ignorance, the abuse any longer. It was a big reminder that I am flawed, I have made many mistakes, and I have had to pay for them. But I don’t want to not be known for that. When my ex said that everyone looks at me and says, “what the hell happened to her?” that was like a stab to the heart. Everyone wants to feel like their ex misses them and thinks they are beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful, I know I look different, but I am overcoming so much and I am trying to get myself back. I feel like I am getting there but then this events happen and it shoves me back down on the ground. I start to walk tall, and then thrown back on my hands and knees. God, why now??? You know how hard I am trying. You know how much I’ve changed.  Ultimately, I know the answer. I know that I need to keep getting back up, brush off the hate, and remind myself of the ignorance of these people. The insecurities that my ex has for saying such awful things. But does it make me feel any better? Not really. It hurts. I tossed and turned most of the night emotionally distraught. I don’t want to give away any more of my power or give him or anyone else any more tears.

I guess the moral of this post is this, we all have the ignorant, judgmental, and/or narcissistic people in our lives that probably cheer every time we fall. Or actually are the ones that push us to the ground. But how many times are we going to stay down and keep our heads facing the pavement? It might feel impossible and we might ask ourselves, what’s the point of getting back up, we are just going to end up back down facing the ground.. But the way I view it is this, when you do fall down again, you are not in the same spot you were when you fell previously, you have walked or even crawled another lap before you fell. You are that much farther in this “marathon” of life. Keep moving, don’t stay down. Do not stay defeated. One day, we will look back and see how far we really have come. We will be able to look back and see where we first started and during all of the hell and hard times, that we continued moving, no matter how slow or defeated we felt and where we ended up.

From the wise words of Dory in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

XoXo

too close for comfort

Have you ever been through an experience and then afterwards you watch someone close to you repeat it?

To explain… My ex husband’s sister in law called me to let me know her husband (ex’s brother) left her and their kids after 18 years. I knew years ago that they were going through some hard times but thought things had worked out. I should have known better that when you are dealing with narcissists and addicts, it doesn’t really get and stay better. I guess it was just a matter of time or depending how much she can put up with. It’s been so hard to sit back and watch. I literally have a front row to a slow motion train wreck.. wait let me clarify. It’s almost like a roller coaster ride before the train actually wrecks.  She first calls me and says they are for sure getting divorced. He left and said he needs to finally be freed from this life so he can be who he is meant to be and that she is holding him back. To give you a little of back story, she married this man and have done EVERYTHING for him and their family. She has basically lost who she was so that she could be a good wife and mom. They have 4 kids. She is beautiful. She works out every day and then cuts hair out of her house to bring in more money so that they can survive. He has been caught cheating in the past. He has been caught out at the clubs while she thought he was working late at night. He has a severe spending habit. So I watch her work her ass off so that they can get by. She is human and I am sure she doesn’t handle his hurtful choices great all the time, but what woman would? So he manipulates her by saying that she is so angry and resentful and he can’t live with her like that anymore. She recently found out last year he went and got fixed without telling her. Umm let’s talk about a huge red flag. She has found condoms and whiskey in his golf clubs.  Yet he continues to say he is innocent of cheating on her, and he can’t be with someone like her and that she is too controlling. I thought she was going to be strong and see through his manipulation tactics, but instead I’ve witnessed her caving. Calling him bawling saying she will change and do what she can to be the woman she needs. I find myself coaching her trying to wake her up so she doesn’t fall into this trap. I’m almost in shock that ANY woman can be this blind. But that was me for years. The abuser distracts you from the real issue by confusing you. Well yes, excuse her for being human and dealing with the lying constantly.. sorry she isn’t more loving! He is giving her the silent treatment, and she leaves him messages begging him to come home. He even told her that unless she proved herself to him, he wouldn’t even think about it. I’ve been sending her information on what I have read about narcissists and what they do to manipulate you, and I see the light go on and then somehow, she is immediately back to missing him.

Through this, I’ve noticed myself starting to miss my ex. WHAT? How can this happen when I am reminded of what I went through? I don’t understand.

So many women and men fall into this traps and I wish I could do something. This is completely out of my control. How can I help her through this and not let it affect me? You know I even got a message from my ex telling me that it is best if I stay out of their drama and not talk to her. How controlling is that? I thank God every day I can see more clear than I did a few months and years ago.I just wish I could do something. This is hurting me and I wish I could be next to her to walk her to the happier path, but at the same time I am struggling with being single. So I want to tell her to try to make it work because being single SUCKS but at the same time, that lifestyle of never knowing if your husband is going to come home that night is not happiness or what I hoped for either.

I wish she could see how beautiful she is and how I view her. She could get any man and he would love her and those kids. She doesn’t deserve this abuse any longer.

XoXo

hello, my name is doris

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Have any of you seen this movie? Last night after my kids went with their dad, I rented it on Amazon and sat down with my cheese and crackers and thought I would just get some useless entertainment. By the end, I had an extra shot of anxiety pulsing through all my veins.

Let me explain. Doris is an older adorable lady played by Sally Field. She has spent most of her life taking care of her mother, never getting out and really living a life of her own, just to find herself with a crush on a younger man in her office. She starts getting out of her comfort zone by becoming friends with him and his friends. She takes every little nice comment he says to her as a come on, while they look at her almost like an art piece.

When I was going through my divorce, I started seeing a man. As I look back, it was a very toxic relationship because I was deep into my addiction and he was the source that fed it. However, during the course of our almost 2 year relationship, I thought I truly loved him. I felt a sense of intimacy that I had been truly lacking for years in my marriage. We both were addicts and it gave us a bond that was awful and ugly, but very real. We always talked about staying together and getting healthy. I think we both wanted that ultimately, but I was stupid and naive. Now that I have got myself out of this black hole that I was in, that wasn’t really living at all. He gave me what I wanted at the time. He took away my pain or covered it up and kept me distracted as I went through the most difficult time in my life. There was no way in hell I could have ever gone through with the divorce if I wasn’t completely numb. I know that is super unhealthy to say, but I believe it to be true. I tried for 12 years. I really wish I could have, I wouldn’t have had to go through hell on earth detour and maybe, I would be in a much different place today if I would have done things differently. But I am here today, sober, away from the every day abuse, standing on my own two feet, alive, healthy, and thriving, with a lot of life’s lessons stored throughout my body. So onto where I was going with this.. After I got away from my boyfriend and got sober, I haven’t been with anyone else. I have really learned to live alone with my kids. I haven’t had an ounce of intimacy. I haven’t even had interest in anyone specific. And throughout this time my fear has grown bigger and bigger into getting comfortable with my life and being too apprehensive or picky or whatever the case may be to ever be with anyone else. I have watched so many people get married, divorced, start dating, find love again, and get re-married and I am still in the same place. I’ve tried telling myself that this is my time to get healthy and give my kids everything I got, and I believe that to be true, but what if it’s also just an excuse cause I don’t know how to look myself in the mirror and say “no one wants me.”?

I have played around with online dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble. I do them because I have no commitment to anyone, I can just “see” what’s out there. With Tinder, I only put my pictures from 5 years ago where my hair was long and beautiful, I was thinner, life was very different for me then. There is hardly ever a time with Tinder that if I swipe right (meaning I am interested in their profile and pic, that they don’t match up with me (meaning they are interested in me back). But with Bumble I threw in more recent pictures, as hard as it was. I felt like I wasn’t being honest with the person I am today, which is why I felt it was time to be more honest. I only get 10% matches. This is very hard for me to admit to. They aren’t interested in the new me. My hair is short and growing out after losing it with my health scares, and I don’t feel like I used to. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. It hurts so bad and takes the self-esteem that I’ve been slowly back building and it bulldozes it back down to nothing. I have to be honest, I am not used to having interest from other men. So every time this happens, I am reminded of my fear and how I might be stuck alone forever. Maybe I am not what other men want and especially the single men. I am not a spring chicken anymore. Things are changing for me every day. And I am dealing with all these new emotions while being sober. It’s challenging cause the pain is real and it hits deep. I even found myself missing my ex husband and ex boyfriend. This is something I don’t want to feel.

So yes, this movie was entertaining, but it scared the living hell out of me. I can honestly say, I sometimes feel like I am the Doris in my life right now. The men that used to find me attractive and give me attention, do not anymore. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and find myself very lonely, comfortable, and not ready to put myself out there and watching others live their lives, like I am doing currently. I keep telling myself AGE AND STAGE. I am just at a different stage in life and that will change. Am I lying to myself?

XoXo

losing it all

Once upon a time I had it all. The perfect life. Or it looked like it, and that’s all that matters right? I look back and I was beautiful. I had the perfect family. The perfect body. The perfect kids. The perfect house. The perfect friends. I was one lucky girl. And like many of us are guilty of, during the time, I was so focused on what I didn’t have. I was bulimic. I was trying to keep my husband from straying. I was trying to keep up with all the Smith’s and the Jones’s next door. I was trying to cut back from taking 30 pain killers that day so I didn’t have to “feel”. I was trying to run that extra mile a little faster. I was attempting to be a better cook. The list could go on and on and on. It was never enough, I was never enough. I look back at my old pictures and I looked great and my life looked amazing, but my eyes are dark, empty, and sad. I am screaming out my insecurities and personal torment, hoping and praying someone would save me. Little did I know my life would soon be taking a huge turn for the worse, falling apart, and I would end up losing all the things I didn’t realize I had, all along.

I should have seen it coming. Looking back, the signs were all there. I should have known. I had many sleepless nights next to my husband of 10 years, questioning whether he was staying faithful after his 1st affair.. That was very painful, but what was even more excruciating was the mind games that he played with me, the criticizing, always being blamed for any and everything that went wrong, the walking on egg-shells, the silent treatment, always being told to do better, etc.. I knew there was something wrong with how he treated me, but I didn’t realize there was an actual name for it. Narcissism or NCP (narcissistic personality disorder). I used to always say he was narcissistic, but I didn’t realize the extent of what that word meant until we started our divorce and I started educating myself and the light bulb came on. I finally felt understood after years and years of not being able to describe what he would do to me, such as the gas lighting and silent treatments and putting me in knots until I thought I was crazy or there was something wrong with me. It was as if these professionals had studied our relationship the entire 10 years and put a name to it.

As I was dealing with a lot of this pain, I was taking whatever I could get my hands on and still be a decent mother. I say decent because, I still kept up the front and functioned, but I kept myself distracted from actually living. It was almost impossible to be present. But I guess that’s how I wanted it. Eventually as most addicts explain, I was introduced to black … No one ever used the word heroin. I often wondered if they would have used that wording, if I would have run? But at the time, I was in such a the perfect place for that drug to come in and completely take over my life. Boy, do I ever wish I could have put a huge barrier between myself and these so called friends and the pain that drove me to that dark place. Just like any addicts story, I didn’t immediately become a junkie like you imagine. I stayed as a “high functioning” addict for a while. During this time, the drugs did their job by putting me in a very numb place where I didn’t want to deal with my husbands bull shit nor did I have to feel the pain that I was in on a daily basis. I would never say that drugs were EVER a good thing, but they gave me the push I needed to leave him. It’s almost like I knew I would NEVER leave him. I would stay and deal with him hurting me for the rest of my life and the only way I could do it was if I was completely in a drugged up or numb place. If I could change anything, I would have done it the right way where I was sober and clear-headed, where I could start the healing process and not take myself down a darker more challenging path. But leave it up to me to learn everything the hard way:)

The divorce was grueling. He knew I was not in my right frame of mind, so it was super easy to blame me for the divorce, but he had to know deep down that he put us in the path of destruction, and I pulled the trigger. Like my dad would always say, ” you can only kick a dog so much until they run away and never come back.” It was kinda the same thing with me. Slowly, my health started dwindling. I thought it was from using. And maybe it was. But I think there was something wrong with me from beforehand, and from using and my stress, it made it get ten times worse. I had WEIRD symptoms. Stuff I could never describe without feeling insane. I would attempt going to doctor after doctor, and they would say that I need to go to a therapist. Itching all over, hair falling out of my head like crazy, feeling like I had a tight headband on my head all the time as if I was losing all my feeling in my head and not getting any circulation in my head, hands, feet, etc.. The way my hair was growing on my head was wrong. Weird right?  No one believed me, I thought I was going crazy till one day I woke up and there was a huge bald spot right in the middle of my head at the crown. It was devastating. My eye lashes and eyebrows had fallen out. I didn’t even recognize myself. People thought I was doing it to myself. My skin looked and felt so different. I really wanted to die. During this time, I watched my husband with this beautiful girl he had an affair during our marriage. It was so hard not to use and keep numbing myself. The pain was too raw. I really begged to not wake up in the morning so many nights. No one understood how dark I felt and was. I lost all my friends that I had for so many years. It was such a confusing time because I knew I was doing things I shouldn’t, but my health was unbearable and the emotional pain with my divorce hurt just as bad. My poor parents tried time after time to help pull me out of this hole I was in, and I would try but fall back every time.

I’ll never forget trying to wear wigs. It wasn’t something I could do. I hated faking I had hair.  I just wanted to stay in a dark house and never come out. I couldn’t look in the mirror. The only time I spent with my kids was watching movies in my room because I couldn’t go out and do anything with them. People that knew me didn’t recognize me. My feet and legs started swelling. No one could give me answers. I ended up in the hospital at detox and just hoping that if I got clean that my health would get better. I relapsed right out of the hospital. Met some awesome people along the way but couldn’t get better. I watched my kids play outside while I was in a dark room. I watched my family go do fun things while I laid in bed almost dead. My life revolved around my addiction and the shame that consumed me. It was a deadly cycle.

After a few years, I never thought I could or would be a normal person. Looking at old pictures were too hard for me. For so long I thought I was ugly when I was beautiful. I thought I was fat, when really I was healthy and thin. I was a great mom when I thought I was a bad one. I was a great wife when I thought he could do better. Why did it take me going through something so tragic to learn such valuable lessons? I don’t know how I pulled myself out of such a dark place, but somehow I did and today I am a year and 8 months sober. I repeat, I AM ONE YEAR AND 8 WHOLE MONTHS SOBER!!!! It is an honest to God miracle. After finally getting a diagnosis called Diffuse Alopecia (extremely rare) my hair is finally coming in. I still deal with every day problems and my health isn’t perfect but I finally feel “normal” and happy. I still deal with my narcissistic ex and his on and off  again “girlfriend”. My life is far from perfect, but I appreciate my life at a whole new level. My whole life is my kids and I don’t take one day for granted like I did before. I am not as thin as I was once, but no longer do I throw up my food or count every calorie. After losing it all, I now have everything and I am so proud to be where I am. There isn’t one person out there that doesn’t have their insecurities and isn’t struggling  with being okay with who they are, but why get to the point of losing it all before you can appreciate your flaws and enjoy the ride along the way?

Having my sobriety and health is worth everything I went through. I am proud of who I am today and what I have overcome. For anyone in the dark place, no matter at what stage. DO NOT GIVE UP. If I can to where I am today, there is hope for you. Your life matters. You are important and worth it. Life is hard and the struggle is absolutely real, you aren’t alone. No one is perfect. Nobody lives a perfect life. But I now have the rest of my life to enjoy and live, might as well learn to love myself along the way.

XoXo

 

 

that time again

On Friday I got the same semi- annual phone call from my ex. Whenever he doesn’t get right to the point, I know he is trying to tell me something. After trying to butter me up with discussing how great our kids were, he threw it out. He was back together with the same girl that broke up my marriage. The same girl that caused so many problems in my life. It’s as almost as if they are addicted to one another. They have broke up and got back together going on 9 times. As much as it shouldn’t hurt me, it does. I can’t lie. The pain is still there and real. It’s as almost as if it takes away my breath when he tells me they are making it work again. What goes through my mind is dropping off my kids to them. Watching them play house with MY kids. Her taking over. I think about my son walking in on them having sex on the kitchen counter during the middle of dinner time. I think about all the photos that get posted on social media of them in their swimsuits with her perfect 5 star body, with her arms around my kids as if she gave birth to them. I think about all the weekends that will go out of town to fun places to wow my kids while I am sitting at home alone and feeling inadequate worrying about bills to pay on my apartment. I think about the kids coming home after being with them for the weekend, with bags of new clothes and shoes, and my kids telling me all about their fun filled weekend and what all they did. This is why it takes my breath away. A lot of it is selfish, but some of it is because I know my sweethearts are being used as toys and pawns. Also because I know the things they are seeing during those times are unhealthy. That they aren’t given the attention they deserve. And they get close to this girl and the next month, she is gone. 

It makes me wonder when it’s my turn. After losing my hair from getting Diffuse Alopecia, I put on some weight and luckily my hair is coming back, but it has completely changed how I look and most of all, how I feel about myself. I’ve been given many trials and have been overcoming them one by one, but I feel like in some ways they are SO far ahead of me. When will I find some happiness where my ex looks at me and starts to ask himself, “did I make a mistake?” I know that isn’t healthy and I shouldn’t care about that, but truth is, I do. I want him to miss me and wonder what he could have done differently to save our family.

He is a narcissist and more than likely he will never feel those ways, but I want it to happen. I want to at least feel like I am confident enough that I know he wishes it even without having proof. I want to look thin and feel beautiful. I want a man to want me and think I am a catch. All these things are ridiculous but it’s my feelings right now.

I feel like he looks at me and pitty’s me. Thinks, “thank god I didn’t stay with her.” He looks at his girlfriend now and thinks how lucky he is. I couldn’t handle anymore of his abuse and I KNOW that, but why do I still have these feelings? Is it from not being healthy emotionally? 

These are the things I do know… I am sober. I have cleaned up my life so much. I put my kiddos first before anything. I do the best I can to be a better person every single day. I am lucky to have a second chance. I am lucky to be coming out from the dark past I had. But these are feelings that follow me. What keeps me going is reminding myself of all the changes I’ve made and where I have come from. I guess that will keep me going till something changes for the better. So next time when I get the phone call from my ex, it won’t take my breath away. It won’t hurt. It will not affect me, because it won’t matter.

XoXo