stuck

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so i know the past few years feel like i am not really moving forward in my life. I feel like i am stuck in the mud. the mud continues to pull me down under no matter how much i am attempting to get out. the mud is self doubt, self hate, negativity, and pain. how can you get out of the mud if you have awful thoughts running through your mind the minute you wake up in the morning, until you put your head on the pillow at night? i’ve always been extremely hard on myself. i grew up  in a family where your appearance equals happiness. my family is very close and very loving, however, generation to generation we have always had the underlying belief that skinny is beautiful. my parents had me a lot later in life after they both had children and failed marriages. so my closest in age sibling is 16 years older than me. i obviously was the baby of the family. both of my mom’s daughters were in the miss america pageants a year apart. they are both very talented and very beautiful. because we have different fathers, we are not built the same and i do not look like them. i was always compared to them by everyone. i always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. at the very young age of 14, i was throwing up my meals. i would stay in the bathroom after dinner for hours trying to get it out. my family HAD to of known something was going on, but instead it was overlooked. my mother is a very beautiful woman as well. very tiny and petite. she was always compared to her twin sister and she always was trying to lose weight. i know that she has her own unhealthy way of viewing what is important and beauty, so i hate to blame my mother in all of this because i know she loves me and i know her intentions were not ill intended and she will never fully understand the pain many of her comments and actions have caused me and how it has effected my adult years. any time i have tried to have the discussion with her, it never goes great. she is in complete denial. in junior high i was a cheerleader and she would tell me i would be happier if i would lose a few pounds. she would tell me she would buy me something if i would lose 5 pounds. she would start hiding the treats and the butter. she will never admit to doing that, but she absolutely did it. she would look at my outfit up and down to see if my pants were too tight and just by her reaction to how i looked, would dictate whether my night was good or bad. i was counting calories, overeating treats when i was at my friends houses, and purging the minute i could find the right time, obsessing that my friends were skinnier than i was, comparing myself to everyone in sight. as i got older and when i moved out of the house, i was partying a lot with my friends and roommates and ended losing a lot of weight. at that time, i thought i was happy with myself, but i obviously wasn’t, but again my weight dictated whether i thought i was happy or not. after getting married, i stayed thin but when i look back, i didn’t consider myself thin. i was always very critical of myself. loving who i was never really happened, but it wasn’t something that was on my mind much. i mean it didn’t help that my husband was having affairs, but i always got compliments that i looked beautiful from my family, so i guess that means i was okay right?

well moving on to now. since the divorce and my illness, i’ve put on probably 20-30 pounds. i don’t even know how to say this without wanting to die. to admit out loud where i am is so humiliating. so i have never been able to really full ever heal. i’ve either used bulimia to feel better, drugs, or men. now the past few weeks loving who i am is on my mind. i’ve told myself if i lose the weight, i will love me for sure. but how can i lose the weight if i am so negative and down on myself? because obviously nothing has worked so far. i’ve tried a lot of things to lose weight, going to the gym, paying for food to be brought in that are low in calories and fat content, diets, etc.. nothing is working. i know that methadone doesn’t help but i’ve been coming down on my dose but it’s not helping. but how can i love myself NOW.. TODAY? how can i get out of the mud that is so thick? no one will ever love me, if i don’t love me. i can’t even stand to see myself in ANY pictures. and it makes it so hard to be around my family because the weight thing is still JUST AS IMPORTANT as it has always been. so it makes me not want to be around them because i feel so judged by them. i know they feel pity for me. i try to remember how i’ve overcome so much. i’ve gotten myself clean, i’ve gone through a painful divorce, i’ve overcome my health problems, i have been able to grow back my full head of hair, and i am a good mother. but non of that matters if i am not at the size i want to be. how can i change this way of thinking? yes, people say affirmations, and just do it, just LOVE YOURSELF, it’s as easy as that. but this is years and years of thinking. i don’t know how to change it. i want my kids to see me love who i am for once. i want to love me for me, and more than anything i want to find a man to love me for me. how can i get out of this freaking dark heavy mud that i have been stuck in for so long?

xoxo

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tis the season

It has been way too long. I don’t understand why I go through months of not writing. I think because I caught myself becoming a critical voice to everything I write. Kinda why I stopped sharing my feelings and experiences with friends or family. I can actually hear people saying “oh my God, get over it already. Move the hell on and stop complaining” or “you know the tools and what you need to do, but you continue to throw yourself back into the flame every time, so don’t come back here bitching if you don’t do anything to change your circumstances.” Does anyone else feel that way? But then I realized, as frustrating as I might be, the whole point of my blog is that it is a place for me to be myself and to share my thoughts to help heal myself. Another thought, I understand how frustrating I can be, because I am also frustrated with myself. The main cycle that repeats is allowing to my narcissist of an ex husband and father of my kids to continue to hurt me even though we are divorced. I try so hard to stand up for myself or not get myself in the same position.

So the whole year was decent as far as J goes and our co-parenting relationship has gone. Decent means that we didn’t spend the majority of the year fighting and causing unnecessary drama. At one point, we put everything aside for the kids and went to California to take them to the most magical place on earth, Disneyland. I do feel like we put our shit aside.. however, the more I look back, I was still walking on eggshells with him and there was even times where I kinda missed him and secretly thought what it would be like to be back together.. but I never let that thought last long. I know better, but I am human. Not having anyone to love and be loved by someone can cause stupid thoughts like that to jump back in, and to clear a few things up, no we never discussed anything of the sort and we never had anything romantic. We were just being platonic. Well about a month ago, he mentioned that I do a few family pictures with them. My first thought was, that’s weird and awkward, we are divorced. But then I thought I don’t want to be rude so maybe I’ll do one with them. He would say “it would be good for the kids.” He always made sure to say that so I knew that he didn’t want me in the pictures, but just because it was just for the littles. Well a couple days before the pictures he wrote me and said “Would you like me to help pick out your outfit?” I replied “No I am good thank you.” Which totally baffled me but didn’t at the same time. He has always thought his taste is impeccable. As a man, he has good taste, I’ll give him that but it always has annoyed me that he thinks that he needs to help me pick out an outfit. Maybe some women are completely lost when it comes to style, but I am not. I have great taste, but J has always offended me when it comes to this subject. There were times I would have the kids all dressed and lookin great and I would take them over to his house and he would go out of his way to change them and redo their hair… uhhhhh. What man would do that? Anyway, he finally responded with an asshole tone because I didn’t want his help and he flat out told me that he has a specific look he is going for and he doesn’t want me to ruin the picture or feel awkward and not apart. Just a side note, all the years we were married, I always planned our family pictures and we always got a lot of compliments and they always looked great. So I didn’t really appreciate him making me feel like I wasn’t capable of dressing myself or looking apart. As I was thinking about how to respond I get a second message following that said “and you are WELCOME for even asking you to be apart of our pictures.”  So I just kindly said that I appreciated him extended the offer to take pictures with them and that I think it would be best for just them to take the pictures and I let him know that I know how to dress myself. He didn’t like that. Next thing I knew, I was being harassed about what a selfish mother and coparent I was.

Next issue, child support and alimony. He quit his job in March of this year that was bringing him in 3 figures and I had been worried he would stop paying his obligations. I work hard and work 2 jobs but it’s not enough, his child support and alimony really helps. Well he quit and asked to meet about finances, he requested that he pays me more than half of what he normally owes just temporarily until he gets another job. Well 9 months now and he doesn’t work, in fact his job is supposedly selling stuff on eBay making no more than $1300 a month. He asked to meet up again when we were getting along and I thought he said he would continue to pay me only $500 but he wanted in writing that, that is all I would request cause he wasn’t planning on getting another job but he would pay all the arrears. So I told him we needed to think about it because I just don’t think it’s fair that I am working my ass off to get by why he sits on his ass all day and doesn’t pay me what he is supposed to.  I had been doing him a favor by just taking $500 but some of the months he only paid $200!! So when I requested at least the $500 for this month while we were supposedly thinking about it, he freaked and said that he was trying to tell me that he couldn’t even afford $500 and it wasn’t fair to expect more than that for what he brings in from selling stuff on eBay. The whole time I am thinking, I have been working with you for 9 months but by now you should have an official job and pay your obligations. He only wants to pay $200, are you kidding me? Especially when he is supposed to pay 5 times more than that according to our decree.  So when I told him that I never agreed to that, he actually threatened to take it to court. When he thought I would freak about that, I said I think that’s a great idea cause I know there is no way in hell a judge will ever grant someone that was making $150k for at least 10 years to voluntarily quit his job and expect to only pay $200. He has no reasons he shouldn’t be working. So that has caused a HUGE riff now with us. He continues to tell me how selfish I am and that all I care about is getting a paycheck, which is all a joke. I have worked so hard to get along with him. I was willing to work with him but the MINUTE I do anything that he doesn’t agree to, all hell breaks loose. I’ve been emotionally and verbally assaulted up an down, left and right, to the point where I couldn’t handle another word from him. I get anxiety seeing a message come through. The pain is real and too traumatic for me. So I would rather it be the way it is now, then to always know his bullshit is coming around the corner when I don’t agree with something. I am tired of feeling like I am a piece of trash. I hear it too much. He has made me afraid of him and then he wonders why I go silent. I can’t even respond, it does no good. So having things completely separate from him has actually been refreshing. I actually met with my boss last week and requested a pay raise and I a waiting to hear if I got it, keeping my fingers crossed. It would help me so much try to fill the gap from his lack of help.

In the mean time, I started talking to an old friend I knew from a job I had years ago. I never was attracted to him then but over the years I had been thinking that he seems like a good guy and one day he sent me flowers, we talked daily for a month but never met up. We would always talk about meeting up but it never happened.. but I just kept thinking it would eventually happen. I got really excited. Then out of the blue I haven’t heard from him in over a week. Just like that.. ghosted. Let me tell you how that felt. It makes it that much harder to ever put yourself back out there. I honestly have no clue what happened.  I keep trying to tell myself this is just a hard time and things will be different next year at this time. I am petrified I will never find anyone. I am not sure why it’s been SO hard for me to put myself out there and then when I do get asked out, why I find every excuse to not go. I never remember it being this hard before. Man, I really could use  some help. I wonder if therapy would be good for me, actually that’s a really stupid question. I know it would be. I think I need to get myself some therapy for my new years resolution.

After all this bitching, I truly am grateful to be where I am today. Driving back to work after going to my clinic today, I couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I was addict. How dark and dreary my life was. There was absolutely no light anywhere. It is very hard to shake that feeling and how disappointing it is that I ever let myself get there. But then I knew that forgiving myself and being proud of where I am today is what I need to do. It definitely isn’t easy but I know that’s what would really help me. My whole life is my beautiful kids. I am so grateful to be where I am and for my family that loves me every single day even though they know where I have been and what I have done to them with my choices. There are too many people suffering and we all need to do a better job at loving and forgiving, not just others but ourselves. I know I need to. A beautiful girl that I always looked up to in jr high and high school just passed away last week from anorexia. In her obituary it said she died of a broken heart and mental illness. We are all fighting a hard battle, and some people you would never even guess it. Our lives are too important. Let us all appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, tis the season, right?

Merry Merry Christmas, thank you for reading my novel. I sure do appreciate anyone that reads and also people that are brave enough to share. It’s not easy.

xoxo

light switch

I have really been struggling with my self esteem. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loving who I am, just the way I am. That’s completely foreign to me. When people say that, I am like…. “Huhhhhh? what’s that? How does that work?” It never came easy for me. Honestly, I don’t think it comes easy for anyone but I think people do it and they find a way to nurture themselves and love who they are, regardless how they look on the outside. I grew up in a home where beauty was prominent. But you weren’t beautiful unless you were thin. So being thin was even more important than being beautiful. I have two older sisters that are very beautiful to the eye. They are definitely head turners. They were both in pageants and were in Miss America and Miss USA and did very well. Wherever we go, they are stared at and it’s what our family knows. That’s the norm. My mother is very beautiful. She has an identical twin which means, she too is very beautiful. Beauty, beauty, beauty. My cousins are very stunning. They are all VERY THIN hence the beauty part. You can’t be beautiful without being thin. Did I mention that? No one has really had a weight problem, only because they have made SURE to never have a weight problem. They did what had to be done.. My mother had me 15-16 years after having them and I have a different father than them. So our genetic make up is different from the get go. They are platinum blondes and naturally thin. I have a darker complexion, and a my frame is definitely not the same. I have always been more muscular. I too have always been a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. So again, doing those things in my extra time, also focused on the weight situation.  I was never abused and told how ugly I was. I want to make sure that is known. I always had very loving parents. They always supported me in everything I did. However, I also saw what was important to my family. I thought it was normal until I started seeing other families and getting to know my friends. I was a cheerleader in junior high and I remember clear as day, that my mom would start hiding the butter. She even helped me do the cabbage soup diet when I was in 8th grade. At one point, she told me she would buy me something if I lost 5 pounds. She will never admit that she did that, but I could never forget it. I compared myself to EVERYONE. My friends were stick thin and my legs were bigger than theirs. It rocked my world. I didn’t understand why my body didn’t look like it used to and why it was changing and why I didn’t have skinny legs just like my friends and just like my sisters. I would go with my friends and they would eat anything they wanted. I would eat with them but immediately feel guilty.. it would consume me that I couldn’t even enjoy what was going on because I knew I had food in my stomach that was going to make me fat or gain weight. So I would go in the bathroom and try making myself vomit. I knew my sisters had also had bulimia, so maybe if I did it, I would look like them and then I also wouldn’t feel guilty every time I ate cause I couldn’t control myself from eating anything that are labeled as “bad”.. I eventually got to the point where it was easier. At that point, my innocence was taken away. I remember vividly being at a birthday party and eating cake and whatever else they have at birthday parties, and as a young girl I was tucked away in the bathroom with the tap water running and the fan on, trying to get every little piece up and out of my stomach so I could go and enjoy the rest of the party. That breaks my heart for the little me that was in there missing out on all the games the other kids were playing. I look at other 8th graders now and think there is no way I can imagine one of those little kids being that worried about weight that she would be doing such harmful things to herself.  How could my mom not know? She had to of known. At one point, I told her.  It was a cry for help. I don’t remember her ever being worried or surprised. I just remember being taken to a therapist one time for it. Besides that, it wasn’t talked about.

In high school, I still struggled with bulimia. I didn’t have enough self control to not eat, which is why I couldn’t be anorexic. I tried, believe me. I would go on chat rooms and forums with other people dealing with the same issues. It wasn’t to help me over come it, it was to feed the addiction. To get ideas. I counted calories, then would accidentally eat something that wasn’t allowed, and the minute I did that, I would just give in and eat whatever and then spend the next hour in the bathroom. What a disgusting and vicious cycle. I was jealous of anorexics. They had willpower. They could literally control themselves. Now looking back, it was the opposite of control in a way. But then and even now, I still wish I had the self control to not eat. My face was always round, but it got even more puffy and swollen with throwing up. I never felt like I got thin from throwing up. It became more about throwing up just because I couldn’t handle the feeling of feeling like I had food in my stomach. The guilt was far too great. I can’t sit and have conversations. I can’t just sit with myself feeling that feeling. I got to the point where I didn’t have to try very hard, I could just lean over and throw it all up. One memory in particular was in class they handed out donuts. After I ate the donut, I was mortified. I always heard of people using ipecac syrup and thought I would try it out. But nothing immediately happened.. my dad then asked me to go to lunch and as we were there, it took full effect and I was running to the bathroom vomiting everywhere. How humiliating for me. But no one ever said anything in my family.  I was on the drill team and I remember having a big performance and I had to wear full on spandex from neck to toe. I remember very clearly my mom making disgusting looks my way. I was not stupid. I would watch her look me up and down. I had never felt so shameful. If my mom would tell me how good I looked, I knew that I really looked good and I would have a good night. If my mom looked at me and didn’t say anything, I would know she was not happy with how I looked. It got to the point where depending on my mom’s response, I would be able to feel good about myself that night. How fucked up is that?

Years passed and it was still something very prominent in my life. But I started partying and dabeling into the party drugs. I moved out with my best friend and I didn’t see my mom as much. The pressure was always there, but it lifted a bit when I moved out. As I was getting unhealthy with drugs and alcohol, I noticed my weight come down drastically. Funny how that happens. It just made my unhealthy lifestyle worse and condoned it. I started hearing so many compliments on how pretty I was and how good I looked. Just what I have always wanted. Yet the vomiting was still a thing. I still was uncomfortable with having calories in my stomach. I just didn’t obsess about it as much. I didn’t count my calories. It was such a relief.

As time went on and I matured, I became less friendly with the bathroom floor and the toilet. I still would visit it from time to time, but I became a mom and I tried really hard to stop thinking about myself and more about them. I wanted a change. I look back at pictures and I looked so good, but I could see my sad eyes. My soul was miserable. It really didn’t help that my husband was looking at pornography behind my back and having affairs. That always was a big reminder that I was not enough. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was. He never ever said anything but that I was perfect the way I was. But actions spoke louder than words. I had seen the effects that bulimia had caused physically not just emotionally. I had developed ulcers in my stomach. It was brutal. My teeth were very sensitive and thin and still are today.

As you know, my divorce hit and all hell broke lose. The addict in me came out full force. I couldn’t handle my feelings of inadequacy any longer. I couldn’t handle actually losing what I had worked so hard for, for 10 + years. I did things I never thought I would ever do. At the time, I didn’t see the future. I just did what I had to in order to numb what I was feeling at the time. For 2 years, I messed my life up horribly. I got down to 100 pounds but that wasn’t the focus any more. Staying away from withdrawal was my only focus. I even had my attorney tell me that I needed to wear 3 pairs of pants to court, so I didn’t look so stick thin.

I finally was able to kick the habit after many times of trial and error. After living hell every day for 2 years. But unfortunately, I made the decision to get on methadone. At the time, I didn’t look at the negative effects. I didn’t think about how hard it would be to get off of it. I just wanted to survive and live a normal life. So here I am 2.5 years clean, and 30 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I’ve questioned what is better, to be a full addict and thin or to be completely clean and heavy. How sad is that? I had no idea that methadone would cause so much weight gain. I thought it was just me not doing enough and my metabolism shot from all the hell I put my body through. But the past few months, I have worked out almost every day and ate extremely clean. I have never worked SO hard to lose weight. I have not seen ONE pound come off. I am starting to feel obsessed again. I have never been this insecure. I hide in huge clothes. I will purposely look down when I walk passed a reflection or mirror. When pictures are being taken, I will dread it and try to walk away.. or I will only take a pic if I can take it myself through an amazing filter and even then, it’s very iffy. Being around my family is extremely difficult. I want to die. My niece was usually known for being kinda bigger. I wasn’t alone. Well recently, she’s lost all of her weight and has completely turned into one of those girls that constantly is taking selfies and getting a ton of a attention. Her and my sisters are still head turners. I am completely opposite of them. When I run into people that used to know me, I can see them not recognizing me or wondering “what happened to her?” In fact, when J has ended up going off on me and we argue, I will never forget the words out of his mouth “everyone wonders what happened to you… you don’t look anything like you used to. Everyone feels sorry for you.”

So now the back story has been explained. My mom has been extremely “supportive” by paying for my gym membership and also my meal planning that I am getting. She doesn’t really have a ton of money, but she finds a way to help me. I know that she is trying her damnedest to be helpful. But knowing what I’ve been through with her, it’s also hard cause I know that she’s doing it cause she wants me to be thin.. and what she says is she wants me happy. Which yes, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to look like this. So long story short, I don’t think she realizes she knows what she is doing and that it hurts me. The other day I ended up crying to my parents about how discouraging it is to work this hard and sacrifice this much and not see any change. I also explained how I am stuck between a rock and hard place with being on methadone. I know that it is the main culprit and methadone is not something you can just come off of. You have to be smart about it. So I am on a weaning program of 2 mg a week. That’s the best I can do and the fastest I can wean being responsible and having my sobriety as the upmost importance. Anyway, the next day, I felt like there was some hope with my mom. She had text me saying “I am really sad and angry knowing how you’ve always felt about yourself. I love you and want you happy.” There was a sense of relief in that text. I kid you not, an hour later I saw a missed call from her. I saw a voicemail was there. I went to listen to it and realized the voicemail was an accident and she was having a conversation with my dad in the car and she had no idea she had called me. These are some of the things I heard her say.. “she is very heavy. She has let herself go. What does she expect, to lose all the weight that fast? She has to stop opening her mouth to any and everything. I am sick of hearing how unhappy she is. She needs to start running and doing what it takes and stop blaming her medication on her weight. This isn’t going to change over night. She has become a big girl.”  Typing this out has me in utter disbelief and so much shame. Now am I surprised that she feels that way? Not really. To hear her say it like that, was extremely hurtful. To hear the person that gave birth to you talk about you in that way is something I can’t describe. I already am so hard on myself. I just wish I had nothing but love from her. Not judgement. It was as if the little bit of soul I had left was completely crushed.

I text her and let her know I heard her talking about me and as much as I appreciate all that she has done, that I need to take some time to work on myself without knowing how she feels about me effecting my progress or journey. She immediately started writing me and calling me about how sorry she was and how much she just wants my happiness. She said she cried the whole night knowing that I heard her talking about me. But it doesn’t change the pain that is there.

I don’t know how to just turn this all around. I know that self esteem should come from within and because I haven’t been able to figure this all out is why I have dealt with addiction and depression. I can read all the self help books in the world, but how do I change what has been pressed inside of me since I was little? I don’t want to be that mom that is just worried about how she looks, because I want to say I have more depth to me than that, but do I? Obviously not. How am I going to change this for my daughter? It obviously is too late for me and my happiness, but what about my daughter? My beautiful perfect innocent daughter?

My self esteem and beliefs can’t just change like a light switch. I honestly am at a loss. How do I move on realistically with where I am at today. How am I ever going to be able to love myself, let alone love someone else. No wonder I can’t move on from my marriage/divorce. I have overcome SO much in my life, but this is the one thing that is holding me back from saying I am truly happy. How can I stop hiding? How can I look in the mirror and see what I am supposed to see?

xoxo

waking up

I dropped all the pain and hurt. I looked at J differently. He was who I married in 2003. I had the renewal of love. I had my family back. It was the most unreal feeling. I haven’t felt love, excitement, and hope like this in so many years. All the hurt was gone and forgiveness replaced it. There was a new breath of life in my lungs. Almost indescribable. We re-built our dream life together. This is what love was supposed to feel like. I forgot every thing that ripped my heart in pieces. What happened before didn’t matter any more because of where we were at that point. Looking at his face was like looking at him when we got married, when we had our first baby boy, and then onto our baby girl. Laughing was back in my life. Passion was back in my eyes. It was as if the past 4 years never happened. Then I viciously woke up. The pain of opening up my eyes and realizing it was all a dream was hell. The reality of being in my bed alone, took my breath. It was as if I was stabbed right in my heart. The pain was too strong to voice. The pain was familiar. I felt like I was starting my separation all over again.

This weekend broke my spirit. As if the pain wasn’t written all over my face, I had to go sit with him all day at our daughters soccer game and dance competition. I wanted us to go back to my dream and have it be real. I caught myself yearning for him. WTF. He had sex appeal that I have pushed so far down and not let myself feel.

I truly believe that I used drugs and my ex boyfriend to numb the pain so I didn’t have to feel the actual pain of walking away from my marriage, the many years I gave myself to him. So NOW after being sober, I am grieving real life hell that I went through in a messed up state of mind. I went home Saturday night alone and bawled myself asleep. I wanted the past 4 years to have been a nightmare that I wake up from. I wanted his narcissism self to be part of my imagination.I am afraid I am never going to look at another man like I used to him. No one ever catches my attention. I wanted all the painful remarks to not be reality. But the truth is, it is real. It is my reality and somehow I need to pull myself back from this dream. I need to put back on my big girl pants on and keep fighting for my happiness and what is real in my life now. God, help me.

xoxo

 

 

how

What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

heart

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So some big changes since I last wrote, miss B and J have now broken up. From what I hear, she wanted him to commit to getting pregnant and marriage on her specific timeline and he wasn’t ready. This is what he told a friend I know. I think maybe some of that is true, but then again, I think there is way more to the story then he will ever admit to. When we were married, every ex girlfriend always begged for him back and he always broke up with them, which we all know is far fetched. I shouldn’t be surprised that they are broken up, but every time I kinda get shocked. I automatically assume they are finally happy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. When it comes to her wanting to bring a baby into their relationship, it blows my mind. I know that she knows how abusive he is, and how they don’t stay together longer than 2 months at a time, yet she wants to selfishly have a baby. No wonder we have so many single mom’s and kids without parents together still. I feel like that is somewhat child abuse, but then again I stayed with him and had two babies. I feel like I had more to hold on to than they do, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.

Today’s is Valentine’s. Valentine’s has always been something I used to always look forward to. I have gone quite a few Valentine’s consecutively single, but not alone. As hard as it can be at times feeling like “poor me” I am quickly reminded about how truly lucky I am. My kids always do something to make me feel special and loved. There aren’t a lot of mothers that get spoiled like I do. My kids are young and somehow they always try to think what they can do for me to feel loved. I got teary eyed today thinking about how quickly they are growing up and how one day I will wish I could go back to this moment and appreciate it. Today, I made them their traditional heart pancakes before school and they both came and gave me a Valentine’s balloon that they bought at the store together without me knowing. They both started fighting because they each wanted to hold it and give it to me and I got mad at them for fighting. I wanted to throw the towel in because I am tired of the endless fighting that they do, but I know this is all the “age and stage” that I referred to in a previous post and I need to look at the big picture. I am watching them grow up before my eyes and I get a front seat to it. I get to watch them fall and get back up. I get to wake up to them after a long night. I get to wipe their tears. I get to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I get to embarrass them with honking the horn and waving to them goodbye when I drop them off to school. We laugh so much together and enjoy so many things as a family of 3. I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I have a lot of emotional pain that I face day to day, but it all goes away the minute I think of the blessings I have for being sober and taking an active role in their lives. I know what it’s like to check out and not be there even when I am there. I know what it’s like to love them but not show them because I was too selfish. I know what it is like to see them disappointed.  I can say without any doubt, that this Valentine’s Day, yes I do not have a boyfriend or a spouse to love me, but I have two perfect children’s hearts that love me deeper than anyone else possibly could. They make my world go round. They are what Valentine’s is all about.

Happy V Day to all of you followers that are happily married, going through a divorce, unhappily married and wanting out, newly divorced, single, a recovered addict, an addict, codependent, depressed, bipolar people out there. I am grateful for all of you and appreciate your love and support.

xoxo

 

dusting yourself off

dust-yourselfBeing human, I have tripped and fallen multiple times lately, and I have failed to put it out there on my blog. So finally sitting down with my tail between my legs, I am taking the time to face my failures, the failures going on around me, and my successes.

Over the holiday was interesting. Wait, I should back up. I have mentioned my ex’s girl toy on this blog many times. He cheated on me with her. They have been together off and on since we were married. When I say off and on, I literally mean off and on. Not just a few times. I mean like bat shit crazy off and on. Like literally 8-10 times off and on. Every single time they get back together it’s a huge production. He sits me down and tells me how I need to support their relationship and try to be friends with her because she is the best thing for him and our kids and I should be thanking her. But always right before they get back together, our relationships starts to become very healthy. We stop playing the games, we do things together with the kids, and we start communicating like actual adults. And always, we have some type of plans with the kids and then when he does the sit down talk with me, he makes sure to say how he needs to cancel our plans because it is inappropriate for their relationship. For example, last year at Christmas, we planned on doing Christmas Eve and morning together. Went and bought Santa gifts together and the kids were so excited to be under one roof, knowing that we are just co-parents and nothing more. They got back together the day before and he canceled everything for Christmas, breaking my kids hearts and making me go out and purchase all new gifts myself. Well 6 months ago, his girl-toy reached out to me and apologized for coming into my kids lives so quickly each time and not being more careful with them. I explained to her my concerns and then she opened up to me about the awful abuse from him and her life with  him and how she finally has her addiction to him figured out and I was stupid and opened up to her with my own experiences with him. We had very similar stories, however I had a marriage of 12 years and two children with him. We met a few times and talked for 6 months. Well, around Christmas times again, we had plans for the kids and all of us being together. He once again canceled it and didn’t say why. I get a long message from this girl explaining herself and how much he has changed and that they are back together and she knows this time will be different. As I am reading this, I am dropping my kids off to him and she is outside with my ex. My kids immediately started crying. They know what it means when they are back together. They know that Dad spends all of his attention on her, there is always drama, and they don’t like how things change when she is around. I was about to send her a short and nice response, but when she turned around and did the ONE thing she told me she regretted and came IMMEDIATELY back into their lives, I was pretty unhappy about it. I felt like everything we shared was tossed out the window and her needs came first. I had to be reminded that I trust way too quickly and their addiction to each other outweighs my kids needs all over again. She sent me a few messages saying that she feels like I was a fraud and insincere with her all those months. I immediately realized that she is a lot like my ex and honestly, they deserve each other.

In between all of this, I met some guy online. I was really excited about him. We could talk easily and on our first date, I was not nervous but more excited. The date turned out to be a flop and it really devastated me. It discouraged me from dating.

This new year started out with drama but the past week or so, I started gaining control. I started realizing the grass will always be greener if I don’t change my attitude. I have been driving around a beater car and that hasn’t helped my self esteem but I wanted to be smart when making the decision to buy a car. I have had luxury cars in the past. My whole family drives luxury cars, and my ex and his girl both have luxury cars. So when I would be broken down on the side of the road, it was somewhat humiliating. Well, I finally was able to purchase my first nice car since my divorce. When I say nice car, I don’t mean luxury like everyone else. But it is a reliable car that I can take pride in. It was a smart purchase which makes me even more proud. I bawled like a baby on my way home from the dealership. I was so excited to surprise my kids. My kids and I have really gone through the depths of despair together, and we used to talk about the day that my hair would grow in, and we would have a new car. My kids and I sat in the garage in our new car and talked about those hard times and now realizing how far we have come. 2017 is just beginning. It’s up to me how my year will be. I know there will hard times, but I know I will get up and dust myself off and start running towards the finish line. Pain is inevitable in our lives, I know it’s something I am going to experience. The difference now is that I am not going to allow it to keep me down. I am going to find strength in each time I get up. I am going to teach my kids what to do when we fall. 2017 will be a year of excitement and taking control of my happiness. Cheers to each of you that read this novel. Let’s kick ass this year. When you fall, just get back up and keep going.

xoxo