waking up

I dropped all the pain and hurt. I looked at J differently. He was who I married in 2003. I had the renewal of love. I had my family back. It was the most unreal feeling. I haven’t felt love, excitement, and hope like this in so many years. All the hurt was gone and forgiveness replaced it. There was a new breath of life in my lungs. Almost indescribable. We re-built our dream life together. This is what love was supposed to feel like. I forgot every thing that ripped my heart in pieces. What happened before didn’t matter any more because of where we were at that point. Looking at his face was like looking at him when we got married, when we had our first baby boy, and then onto our baby girl. Laughing was back in my life. Passion was back in my eyes. It was as if the past 4 years never happened. Then I viciously woke up. The pain of opening up my eyes and realizing it was all a dream was hell. The reality of being in my bed alone, took my breath. It was as if I was stabbed right in my heart. The pain was too strong to voice. The pain was familiar. I felt like I was starting my separation all over again.

This weekend broke my spirit. As if the pain wasn’t written all over my face, I had to go sit with him all day at our daughters soccer game and dance competition. I wanted us to go back to my dream and have it be real. I caught myself yearning for him. WTF. He had sex appeal that I have pushed so far down and not let myself feel.

I truly believe that I used drugs and my ex boyfriend to numb the pain so I didn’t have to feel the actual pain of walking away from my marriage, the many years I gave myself to him. So NOW after being sober, I am grieving real life hell that I went through in a messed up state of mind. I went home Saturday night alone and bawled myself asleep. I wanted the past 4 years to have been a nightmare that I wake up from. I wanted his narcissism self to be part of my imagination.I am afraid I am never going to look at another man like I used to him. No one ever catches my attention. I wanted all the painful remarks to not be reality. But the truth is, it is real. It is my reality and somehow I need to pull myself back from this dream. I need to put back on my big girl pants on and keep fighting for my happiness and what is real in my life now. God, help me.

xoxo

 

 

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how

What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

SURPRISE

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STOP, reverse, erase….

Miss B and J are back on again. I think my head left still spinning…

I have know this for a while, but I better just say it like it is… these two affect me way too much. Duh duh duhhhhh. I feel pathetic. What goes on with them shouldn’t be something that alters my day or my mood. This has got to stop. Why am I letting it upset me? Again, it’s got to stop. The only thing that should be affecting me is the protection of my kids. The rest of it is not my business.

Sometimes there is a small bit of satisfaction when I hear about their issues. But it hurts and upsets me every time they get back and shove it all over social media and in front of my face at my kids activities. It’s comical. I know the drill by now.

J’s cousin is a good friend of mine still and isn’t that close to him and his family. We were talking today and just like a lot of you, she feels like I need to put my foot down and start setting my boundaries, starting with the fact that he completely ignores what’s in the divorce decree. It’s always at his convenience. He is the one that wanted us to not have sleepovers with the opposite sex unless we were married when the kids were in our care, now he just ignores that. When I told him that it has to stop, he said “Stop being a jealous ex wife and get over yourself. She is a girlfriend of 4 years and someone that is going to be in their lives indefinitely, so move on.” So I am not dealing with a normal human being here. I haven’t brought it up since. So I’ve got to come up with a game plan that if he doesn’t stick to the decree, then shit is going to go down. No more being nice, and being taken advantage of. Who gives a shit what I think, right?  I am the mother of these kids and I  better start earning some God damn respect. Enough is enough. I am not sure how I am going to go about it all, but I better start getting a game plan in action. My kids deserve better. J go do what you want with Miss B, just leave our kids out of it.

So cheer me on while I put my big girl panties on.

xoxo

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miss B

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I desperately don’t want to be that woman that hangs on to the same negative bullshit that her ex husband has caused and how she is scorned. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t quite get over his new life and his new woman. I feel like I come on to this blog and bitch about the same thing repeatedly. So I apologize. However, I didn’t create this blog to help me heal. So I think it’s a very fine line in allowing yourself to vent and be upset and start the healing process and then just bitching over and over and never finding resolution. I appreciate everyone of you that comments on my posts and involve yourself, it really does help me more than you know. Every time I show that I have a comment, it’s like the giddy kid in me every time I would get a letter in the mailbox. So now that I have expressed what I don’t want to do, let me get right to it and bitch some more (haha)…

Let me go back 6 months ago (I believe I touched on this, but never did explaining).. Miss B is my ex’s longtime on and off girlfriend.. she also was cheating with my husband the last year of my marriage which is why I have a bad taste in my mouth for her from the get go. They both work together and I was always worried about this woman working with my husband. I knew that he had a history with sleeping with his co-workers and he had a sex addiction, then when I saw her for the first time, I saw how beautiful she was. She had long black hair, tan skin, thin, beautiful big white teeth, a very reputable career, and very single. J always comforted me and told me I had nothing to worry about, as if that meant anything. She would always smile and compliment me on how beautiful I was and what a beautiful family I had when I would see her at work events. I eventually found 300 text messages between them on my birthday the last year of my marriage. Still, promising me they had nothing going on and really wanting to believe it. Found out she was engaged and we were invited to her wedding. The day of her wedding, I felt very awkward going to it when I felt like something was going on.  We ended up arguing and he went without me. Fast forward when I finally checked out, numbed myself with anything I possibly could, and got a restraining order, I found out that they had been on a few “business” trips together and that they had been seeing each other for some time. Her new husband is the one to tell me. She asked for a divorce from her new husband so she could be with my husband. To this day, they will never admit to their affair.

There was so many times I wanted to warn her what she was getting herself into. I lived through so much and even though it was hard to see her with J, there was a part of me that felt bad for her. Did she really know how emotionally abusive he could be? How much he cheated on his wife? How much porn he was addicted to? She couldn’t know, or else she would never ever sign up for it. I know how charming he is and how he will dazzle you and make you feel like you are the only woman for him. Everyone in the room will be jealous that he is all yours. People will be envious of your relationship and wish they could have the same. I know because again I lived it. But when all was said and done, things change. The honeymoon ends. The door shuts and real life happens.

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About 6-7 months ago, I received an email from her. My heart dropped. When reading it, she opened up to me and became a real woman that had real problems. Everything I wanted to warn her about, she was emailing me saying she had experienced. It’s hard for me to say that it didn’t validate me in some ways, but in other ways, I started looking at her as more than just the other woman that broke up my marriage. She had only heard stories of my marriage and the bitch that I had been during and after our marriage. She informed me that they had broken up for good and she felt it was time to reach out to the one woman that more than likely had experienced similar circumstances and that could understand the hurt. I was very apprehensive to respond and open up but after weeks of going back and forth, I finally started opening up about my side of the story. I really started thinking I could trust her. She apologized to me for so many times coming in and out of my children’s lives without caring for their wellbeing, and only thought about her’s. She regretted doing that and wished she could change that. I forgave her. We met up a few times and swapped very similar stories. Again this was all very validating. She told me so many awful things that happened with my kids there in his custody from drinking to sex to emotional abuse. She really didn’t hold anything back. She even admitted to me that she was very childish and needed his attention so much that she would push my kids aside while they were all together. All this time I was home crying feeling bad, there was so many problems going on. How did I not know? I opened up to her so much about how my kids hated him. About all of my thoughts about taking him back to court, and she wanted to help me getting the kids taken away from him.

After all these months, J and I had plans for Christmas with the kids. He continued to ask me to stay over night. I finally agreed. The night before, he called me and told me he felt it was a bad idea and it wasn’t comfortable for the kids. I knew something was up. He was the one that basically begged me to stay beforehand. Whenever Miss B and J break up, J and I start having a better relationship. He starts being easier to work with and coparent with. So when I got a long ass text from Miss B, my heart sank. I got this message literally as I was driving up to drop the kids off to J for my son’s birthday. As I pulled up, I got a message alert from her and at the same time I saw Miss B’s new luxury car in front of his house. HOLD ON, not only are they back together, but she is doing the one thing she apologized for. They didn’t take even a few days to introduce her back to the kids lives.  This long message was so long and just giving excuse after excuse for getting back together with him. Telling me that he is a changed man.. lol. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She had just did 6 months of major therapy, realizing how abusive and manipulative and narcissistic he was. She even told me that she really hurt him by talking to me and she couldn’t keep what I shared with her a secret. She told him everything I ever shared with her. At the end of the message, had the audacity to want to still be friends. I watched my son’s face drop when he realized she was there. I could see in their faces that they were thinking about how things were going to change and the first thing out of his mouth was, “why on my birthday? Could he not wait.” It broke my heart. I wrote her a message back that said something about how I am not surprised they are back together because I know all too well the toxic cycle they are in, but if anything I am really bothered she came right back into my kids lives without even a thought. Everything she apologized and regretted, she turned around and did the exact same thing. They were being selfish. When they get back together, they go through a honeymoon stage where they can’t go a minute without each other and then they post it all over social media. It literally is so sad. She wrote me back and told me she felt like I was fraud to her and she is disappointed in me. I literally had nothing much to say.

Since then, they play “house” with my kids. She knows I see her Facebook posts and every other weekend when my kids go with them, and she goes out of her way to post pics of her and my kids like they are her own. It is a punch in the gut every time. This last weekend, she was left with my daughter while J and my son went to a wrestling event. She posted pictures of my daughter and her having a spa day. I do my best in showing my kids that I am happy for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t have a good time with them. They are literally going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Since they have got back together a month ago, they have broken up already once and got back together. I know they aren’t happy, but why does it bother me so bad?

I truly believe that she wants a family of her own so bad and if she really needs my kids to fill that void, I’ll share them with her. I can do that because I know at the end of the day, they will always want me. They want me when they are sick, sad, hungry, tired, lonely, etc.. She is literally just a fill in while I can’t be there. I have to keep reminding myself of that. One thing that bothers me is in our custody agreement, J is the one that put in it that we cannot have sleepovers with that of the opposite sex unless married when kids are in our presence. She sleeps over every single night they are together. Every other weekend they go stay at her place and my kids sleep on the floor. This really bothers me. He thinks he is above our agreement, yet if I were to do that, he would have my ass back in court. I struggle wondering what to do. Do I do something about it or do I ignore it? My poor son at the age of 10 walked in on them having sex on the kitchen counter at dinner time. So this isn’t a couple that is smart. They have sex like monkey’s and drink non stop. My poor kids don’t need to be around that. One day when I find someone, J will get a taste of what he has put me through but the difference is, I will never do what he has done with my kids around.

I really struggle with Miss B and J. I try really hard to let it go, but it gnaws at me. It is constantly thrown in my face. I am always the single mom alone and they are always holding hands when we go to my kids activities. I don’t need them to be unhappy for validation in myself, but why does it still bother me? How can I move the hell on?

xoxo

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dusting yourself off

dust-yourselfBeing human, I have tripped and fallen multiple times lately, and I have failed to put it out there on my blog. So finally sitting down with my tail between my legs, I am taking the time to face my failures, the failures going on around me, and my successes.

Over the holiday was interesting. Wait, I should back up. I have mentioned my ex’s girl toy on this blog many times. He cheated on me with her. They have been together off and on since we were married. When I say off and on, I literally mean off and on. Not just a few times. I mean like bat shit crazy off and on. Like literally 8-10 times off and on. Every single time they get back together it’s a huge production. He sits me down and tells me how I need to support their relationship and try to be friends with her because she is the best thing for him and our kids and I should be thanking her. But always right before they get back together, our relationships starts to become very healthy. We stop playing the games, we do things together with the kids, and we start communicating like actual adults. And always, we have some type of plans with the kids and then when he does the sit down talk with me, he makes sure to say how he needs to cancel our plans because it is inappropriate for their relationship. For example, last year at Christmas, we planned on doing Christmas Eve and morning together. Went and bought Santa gifts together and the kids were so excited to be under one roof, knowing that we are just co-parents and nothing more. They got back together the day before and he canceled everything for Christmas, breaking my kids hearts and making me go out and purchase all new gifts myself. Well 6 months ago, his girl-toy reached out to me and apologized for coming into my kids lives so quickly each time and not being more careful with them. I explained to her my concerns and then she opened up to me about the awful abuse from him and her life with  him and how she finally has her addiction to him figured out and I was stupid and opened up to her with my own experiences with him. We had very similar stories, however I had a marriage of 12 years and two children with him. We met a few times and talked for 6 months. Well, around Christmas times again, we had plans for the kids and all of us being together. He once again canceled it and didn’t say why. I get a long message from this girl explaining herself and how much he has changed and that they are back together and she knows this time will be different. As I am reading this, I am dropping my kids off to him and she is outside with my ex. My kids immediately started crying. They know what it means when they are back together. They know that Dad spends all of his attention on her, there is always drama, and they don’t like how things change when she is around. I was about to send her a short and nice response, but when she turned around and did the ONE thing she told me she regretted and came IMMEDIATELY back into their lives, I was pretty unhappy about it. I felt like everything we shared was tossed out the window and her needs came first. I had to be reminded that I trust way too quickly and their addiction to each other outweighs my kids needs all over again. She sent me a few messages saying that she feels like I was a fraud and insincere with her all those months. I immediately realized that she is a lot like my ex and honestly, they deserve each other.

In between all of this, I met some guy online. I was really excited about him. We could talk easily and on our first date, I was not nervous but more excited. The date turned out to be a flop and it really devastated me. It discouraged me from dating.

This new year started out with drama but the past week or so, I started gaining control. I started realizing the grass will always be greener if I don’t change my attitude. I have been driving around a beater car and that hasn’t helped my self esteem but I wanted to be smart when making the decision to buy a car. I have had luxury cars in the past. My whole family drives luxury cars, and my ex and his girl both have luxury cars. So when I would be broken down on the side of the road, it was somewhat humiliating. Well, I finally was able to purchase my first nice car since my divorce. When I say nice car, I don’t mean luxury like everyone else. But it is a reliable car that I can take pride in. It was a smart purchase which makes me even more proud. I bawled like a baby on my way home from the dealership. I was so excited to surprise my kids. My kids and I have really gone through the depths of despair together, and we used to talk about the day that my hair would grow in, and we would have a new car. My kids and I sat in the garage in our new car and talked about those hard times and now realizing how far we have come. 2017 is just beginning. It’s up to me how my year will be. I know there will hard times, but I know I will get up and dust myself off and start running towards the finish line. Pain is inevitable in our lives, I know it’s something I am going to experience. The difference now is that I am not going to allow it to keep me down. I am going to find strength in each time I get up. I am going to teach my kids what to do when we fall. 2017 will be a year of excitement and taking control of my happiness. Cheers to each of you that read this novel. Let’s kick ass this year. When you fall, just get back up and keep going.

xoxo

 

pendulum

This week my emotions have been teeter-tottering. Thanksgiving is such a unique time. A time to reflect on what we have been given, worked for, taken advantage of, forgotten, pushed aside, or neglected. I feel like I have done a lot of feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry for my children. I haven’t been writing much of the positive, but more of the deep down dull pain that is aching inside of me. And I apologize to any of the readers that happen to stop by my page. I don’t want this to be a place that you come by and feel like your energy is drained by reading it.  Yes, I want it to be real and authentic, but not just negative and bitchy.

4 years ago tomorrow, I looked at my husband and told him I wanted a divorce. I was so cold and distant at that point, that it didn’t hurt me to say. I started abusing drugs just so I could say it and not feel pain. The drugs did their job. I would give ANYTHING to go back to that day and change things. I don’t necessarily mean that I regret us getting divorced, but I absolutely 110% regret what I did and how I did it. Thanksgiving was usually such a fun time for my little and big family. We would wake up and go play frisbee football in the cold with all of our friends and family, and go back get our food ready, get dressed up and meet back up later for the day. After our feast, we would go around to all the stores and have a crazy shopping experience. This was such a fun time, and I obliterated it.  Did this come from out of the blue, no. Was my ex innocent and didn’t deserve my actions? HELL NO. But man, do I regret the choices I made in order to have the guts to do it.  Thinking back to that day hurts so much. And I can’t blame anyone but myself. But I no matter what, I know that the only way to describe it was I felt like a kicked puppy dog that finally didn’t want to go home.

Fast forward after many awful days and nights. My addiction taking over my every day life.  My happiness, my spunk for life. Losing every inch of dignity I had on top of my health and physical traits such as my beautiful skin and hair. To finding recovery, picking myself up after falling over and over. Learning to find contentment in living alone when my kids weren’t there to distract my thoughts. Selling our beautiful home where we made many memories onto making a new home with new memories. Losing my family car that I loved to an awful automobile accident to losing my pride and driving an old beater.. Not being able to be in the same room as my ex, to now just being told how my ex and I are the poster family for divorces. I can honestly say there is nothing more painful yet more riveting to share and experience. My life has not been easy the past four years. In fact, I truly don’t know how I am alive today. But this Thanksgiving, I have done a 160 turn and as much as I hurt from not having my two beautiful kids with me this year and have them spending the holiday with their dad in another state, I am here and waiting for them the minute that they come home. I am not homeless. I am not waking up to needing that next fix trying to numb the pain away. Instead, I am facing this day, I am waking up to go play frisbee football, then making sweet potatoes and dressing up so I can go spend the day with my family that still is there for me and that have loved me through it all.

This Thanksgiving, I have much to be grateful for. Though, the pain hasn’t left and the memories of this day haunt me, I am not hiding from it. I am facing this day.

xoxo

this too shall pass, or will it?

I feel like I’ve sat down to write this EXACT post, and you know, maybe I have. I am just too lazy to look up my history titles.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain and sadness. A girl I became close to ended her life a few weeks ago and just as I am trying to accept the reality of that, I find out a good family friend’s wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a very short time to live. It has been devastating to me and having such a hard time imagining what they are going through at this time. Then I woke up to an awful text message from an old friend. She told me of our mutual friends passing the night before from an accidental overdose. I haven’t had the time to even process everything. One thing after another. It’s all too painful. I’ve sat at work just staring out the window acknowledging how unfair this all is. Each one of these tragedies is too much to handle. My friend that overdosed was clean for a year and doing so well and just in a weak moment, all those years of getting himself clean are over. His son no longer has a father. My other friend is losing his wife before his eyes. Too many families losing their loved ones.

After talking to my dad and telling him how negative I was feeling, I mentioned to him how hard it is to go about life and trying to enjoy it when you know that in a blink of an eye, it can be over for anyone of us. He reminded me that is why we have to appreciate  and enjoy it. You can’t let the anxiety of knowing it could end tomorrow change that, but that we need to appreciate our relationships and really hold on to our experiences differently then we would have not realizing how fragile life is.

My divorce has really messed me up. It still hurts today just as much as it did a couple of years ago. I am accepting of it more, but still replay what I could have done different over and over in my head. Sometimes I forget that it is not normal to be cheated on repetitively throughout your marriage. I keep thinking that if I wouldn’t have made my mistakes that we could have still been together, and I have to mentally hit myself upside the head and remind myself that even if I would have done what I did to hurt the end of our marriage, that no healthy relationship has affair after affair and not be terribly affected by it. It’s not normal to be told of a new girlfriend your husband has had year after year. But as long as he is sorry, then I guess I can move on right? I kept thinking if I worked harder at being a wife, it would get better. It didn’t. But I stayed with him over and over again, stayed faithful until I became the wife I never wanted to be. Funny how life works eh?

So like I said above, there has been a lot of sadness surrounding me lately. As I step out of my body emotionally and look back at myself I am reminded at how important life is. I may have lost my marriage, but I didn’t lose my relationship with myself nor my kids. In fact, I am getting closer to both myself and my kids more than I think was ever possible before. When you are in a toxic relationship, it’s impossible to appreciate and love yourself and the other relationships close to you. So the pain is still there, but I am having a field day with being reminded of what is important with the life that I still do have and the blessings that are looking back at me daily.

xoxo