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So some big changes since I last wrote, miss B and J have now broken up. From what I hear, she wanted him to commit to getting pregnant and marriage on her specific timeline and he wasn’t ready. This is what he told a friend I know. I think maybe some of that is true, but then again, I think there is way more to the story then he will ever admit to. When we were married, every ex girlfriend always begged for him back and he always broke up with them, which we all know is far fetched. I shouldn’t be surprised that they are broken up, but every time I kinda get shocked. I automatically assume they are finally happy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. When it comes to her wanting to bring a baby into their relationship, it blows my mind. I know that she knows how abusive he is, and how they don’t stay together longer than 2 months at a time, yet she wants to selfishly have a baby. No wonder we have so many single mom’s and kids without parents together still. I feel like that is somewhat child abuse, but then again I stayed with him and had two babies. I feel like I had more to hold on to than they do, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.

Today’s is Valentine’s. Valentine’s has always been something I used to always look forward to. I have gone quite a few Valentine’s consecutively single, but not alone. As hard as it can be at times feeling like “poor me” I am quickly reminded about how truly lucky I am. My kids always do something to make me feel special and loved. There aren’t a lot of mothers that get spoiled like I do. My kids are young and somehow they always try to think what they can do for me to feel loved. I got teary eyed today thinking about how quickly they are growing up and how one day I will wish I could go back to this moment and appreciate it. Today, I made them their traditional heart pancakes before school and they both came and gave me a Valentine’s balloon that they bought at the store together without me knowing. They both started fighting because they each wanted to hold it and give it to me and I got mad at them for fighting. I wanted to throw the towel in because I am tired of the endless fighting that they do, but I know this is all the “age and stage” that I referred to in a previous post and I need to look at the big picture. I am watching them grow up before my eyes and I get a front seat to it. I get to watch them fall and get back up. I get to wake up to them after a long night. I get to wipe their tears. I get to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I get to embarrass them with honking the horn and waving to them goodbye when I drop them off to school. We laugh so much together and enjoy so many things as a family of 3. I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I have a lot of emotional pain that I face day to day, but it all goes away the minute I think of the blessings I have for being sober and taking an active role in their lives. I know what it’s like to check out and not be there even when I am there. I know what it’s like to love them but not show them because I was too selfish. I know what it is like to see them disappointed.  I can say without any doubt, that this Valentine’s Day, yes I do not have a boyfriend or a spouse to love me, but I have two perfect children’s hearts that love me deeper than anyone else possibly could. They make my world go round. They are what Valentine’s is all about.

Happy V Day to all of you followers that are happily married, going through a divorce, unhappily married and wanting out, newly divorced, single, a recovered addict, an addict, codependent, depressed, bipolar people out there. I am grateful for all of you and appreciate your love and support.

xoxo

 

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3 thoughts on “heart

  1. And a very Happy Valentines wish to you as well, from me and all your other blog readers here that follow your ups and downs (hopefully more ups than downs as time passes).

    Although Miss B got dumped (again) by J, she probably doesn’t realise it but he was doing her a big favour (although he probably wasn’t looking at it in quite that way but instead only watching out for himself). They say that love is blind but her wanting to a have a child by him, based on his past track record, doesn’t make her love blind but rather bat shit insane in my opinion. What a legacy to have dumped on that poor offspring should he have got her preggers. She dodged a stork bullet for sure.
    Moving on (and hopefully you forgetting her for good now), with him now not with Miss B it may mean that your kids will be with you more than with him. Time will tell, eh?

    I’m happy to see that your kiddos always remember you on Valentines Day. Those are good memories to have (about their love for you) at those times when you’re feeling down. Hopefully you’ll stay positive and upbeat. One suggestion: check out a few humour sites on the net (just Google them) because starting your day off with a chuckle goes a long way.

    Have a great day now…

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    1. THANK YOU Rob. As you know, I always look forward to your responses. As far as Miss B goes, I know because of the track record, that I can’t completely forget her because the minute I look forward to my life without her, she will be back in it. He hasn’t even admitted to anyone they are broken up yet. I think they don’t ever tell anyone because they don’t want to look stupid when they get back together. Can you see why my kids are like pawns in their relationship? It makes me so mad! I think my kids will start spending much more time with me for now, now they are not together playing house. It’s so funny how I know exactly what to expect the minute they are “off”.. If you have any good humor sites to read, send em over! Hope you have a great day! xoxo

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