piece by piece

As I am living a clean and sober life, I run into normal every day problems and my initial reaction is to be devastated but usually my next thought is how I am very grateful for this issue compared to what it would have been a few years back when I was living in my addictions. Every  problem would have been 10 times worse or back then I would have prayed for every day issues like the ones I am currently having compared to what I was living then. I am sure other people that are in recovery have the same thoughts as they go through life now, but I am going to dedicate this post to what my life in recovery looks like now and some of my thoughts.

First and foremost I wake up every morning so happy to feel good. When I was living with my addiction, waking up was dreadful. I would wake up usually sick, and if I wasn’t sick, I was sick with anxiety on how I was going to be able to get what I needed to be a feel normal  and be a mom to my kids. I couldn’t just get my kids ready for school, it was always finding ways to get taken care of so that I could feel good. I am so happy to wake up every day and be healthy. I don’t have to worry and scramble on how to get healthy.

Next, I get to really ENJOY my children thoroughly. I am not distracted in anyway. My life is my very own now, I am not giving it away. I have SO much free time now. I can actually make meals for my kids. When I am driving with my kids, my mind is there. We can laugh, sing, talk together.  At home, instead of me pretending to be there, but my mind distracted, I am actually there to spend quality time with them and be an active participant in their lives.

I can actually pay my bills consistently. Utilities and things aren’t getting turned off because I have used all the money on ways to get well. I can take my kids to do fun things that cost, where as before, I never could. My house might be not spotless, but it is livable. Before, I couldn’t keep up. I couldn’t make dinner and put dishes away. I didn’t have it in me to go to the grocery store and have food in the cupboards. I had the minimum but it wasn’t comfortable.

I had my master bedroom door shut A LOT. I can’t remember the last time since I’ve been sober that my room hasn’t been open to them. I am hardly EVER alone. They are always right by my side.  Life isn’t a breeze but man, it is something I want to be apart of. My basket might be dropped, but I am picking up each aspect in my life… piece by piece.

XoXo

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change

Throughout my day as I work at my desk, any small memory that I recall is like a small wound being opened in my heart. There’s not a whole lot I can do to change or control that. In our lives, we are made up of where we have been and what we have done and with each passing day little things remind us of them. Not a whole lot in my life is familiar. I want to say my children are the one thing that doesn’t change, but they change every day. They are not the same as they were when they were dependent on me as their mother. Our relationship is just as close or even closer, but definitely different. Any small memory I have of them before now, hurts. I smile thinking of the cute things they did or have done- but because of the way things have changed in our family, there is pain associated with it. I often wonder if I am the only divorcee or single mom that experiences these feelings. Feelings of guilt for leaving their dad. Feelings of guilt for changing what they knew and were comfortable with. Changing what family means to them and what their day to day lives look like. Should I have put my daily happiness aside for them to have mommy and daddy together? If I would have stayed, would or could I have become happier than I once was? Would my kids be happier? Did I do the wrong thing? orrrrrrrr Did I rip the bandaid off something that wasn’t going to get better? Did I do something that was the best for all of us? Every birthday is a reminder of what it all used to be, every anniversary hurts. Facebook memories that pop up daily suck, bad. Maybe one day it won’t hurt like it does now.

XoXo