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What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

SURPRISE

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STOP, reverse, erase….

Miss B and J are back on again. I think my head left still spinning…

I have know this for a while, but I better just say it like it is… these two affect me way too much. Duh duh duhhhhh. I feel pathetic. What goes on with them shouldn’t be something that alters my day or my mood. This has got to stop. Why am I letting it upset me? Again, it’s got to stop. The only thing that should be affecting me is the protection of my kids. The rest of it is not my business.

Sometimes there is a small bit of satisfaction when I hear about their issues. But it hurts and upsets me every time they get back and shove it all over social media and in front of my face at my kids activities. It’s comical. I know the drill by now.

J’s cousin is a good friend of mine still and isn’t that close to him and his family. We were talking today and just like a lot of you, she feels like I need to put my foot down and start setting my boundaries, starting with the fact that he completely ignores what’s in the divorce decree. It’s always at his convenience. He is the one that wanted us to not have sleepovers with the opposite sex unless we were married when the kids were in our care, now he just ignores that. When I told him that it has to stop, he said “Stop being a jealous ex wife and get over yourself. She is a girlfriend of 4 years and someone that is going to be in their lives indefinitely, so move on.” So I am not dealing with a normal human being here. I haven’t brought it up since. So I’ve got to come up with a game plan that if he doesn’t stick to the decree, then shit is going to go down. No more being nice, and being taken advantage of. Who gives a shit what I think, right?  I am the mother of these kids and I  better start earning some God damn respect. Enough is enough. I am not sure how I am going to go about it all, but I better start getting a game plan in action. My kids deserve better. J go do what you want with Miss B, just leave our kids out of it.

So cheer me on while I put my big girl panties on.

xoxo

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So some big changes since I last wrote, miss B and J have now broken up. From what I hear, she wanted him to commit to getting pregnant and marriage on her specific timeline and he wasn’t ready. This is what he told a friend I know. I think maybe some of that is true, but then again, I think there is way more to the story then he will ever admit to. When we were married, every ex girlfriend always begged for him back and he always broke up with them, which we all know is far fetched. I shouldn’t be surprised that they are broken up, but every time I kinda get shocked. I automatically assume they are finally happy. I don’t know why I do this to myself. When it comes to her wanting to bring a baby into their relationship, it blows my mind. I know that she knows how abusive he is, and how they don’t stay together longer than 2 months at a time, yet she wants to selfishly have a baby. No wonder we have so many single mom’s and kids without parents together still. I feel like that is somewhat child abuse, but then again I stayed with him and had two babies. I feel like I had more to hold on to than they do, but I guess I shouldn’t judge.

Today’s is Valentine’s. Valentine’s has always been something I used to always look forward to. I have gone quite a few Valentine’s consecutively single, but not alone. As hard as it can be at times feeling like “poor me” I am quickly reminded about how truly lucky I am. My kids always do something to make me feel special and loved. There aren’t a lot of mothers that get spoiled like I do. My kids are young and somehow they always try to think what they can do for me to feel loved. I got teary eyed today thinking about how quickly they are growing up and how one day I will wish I could go back to this moment and appreciate it. Today, I made them their traditional heart pancakes before school and they both came and gave me a Valentine’s balloon that they bought at the store together without me knowing. They both started fighting because they each wanted to hold it and give it to me and I got mad at them for fighting. I wanted to throw the towel in because I am tired of the endless fighting that they do, but I know this is all the “age and stage” that I referred to in a previous post and I need to look at the big picture. I am watching them grow up before my eyes and I get a front seat to it. I get to watch them fall and get back up. I get to wake up to them after a long night. I get to wipe their tears. I get to kiss their cheeks and hold their hands. I get to embarrass them with honking the horn and waving to them goodbye when I drop them off to school. We laugh so much together and enjoy so many things as a family of 3. I am truly the luckiest mom in the world.

I have a lot of emotional pain that I face day to day, but it all goes away the minute I think of the blessings I have for being sober and taking an active role in their lives. I know what it’s like to check out and not be there even when I am there. I know what it’s like to love them but not show them because I was too selfish. I know what it is like to see them disappointed.  I can say without any doubt, that this Valentine’s Day, yes I do not have a boyfriend or a spouse to love me, but I have two perfect children’s hearts that love me deeper than anyone else possibly could. They make my world go round. They are what Valentine’s is all about.

Happy V Day to all of you followers that are happily married, going through a divorce, unhappily married and wanting out, newly divorced, single, a recovered addict, an addict, codependent, depressed, bipolar people out there. I am grateful for all of you and appreciate your love and support.

xoxo

 

miss B

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I desperately don’t want to be that woman that hangs on to the same negative bullshit that her ex husband has caused and how she is scorned. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t quite get over his new life and his new woman. I feel like I come on to this blog and bitch about the same thing repeatedly. So I apologize. However, I didn’t create this blog to help me heal. So I think it’s a very fine line in allowing yourself to vent and be upset and start the healing process and then just bitching over and over and never finding resolution. I appreciate everyone of you that comments on my posts and involve yourself, it really does help me more than you know. Every time I show that I have a comment, it’s like the giddy kid in me every time I would get a letter in the mailbox. So now that I have expressed what I don’t want to do, let me get right to it and bitch some more (haha)…

Let me go back 6 months ago (I believe I touched on this, but never did explaining).. Miss B is my ex’s longtime on and off girlfriend.. she also was cheating with my husband the last year of my marriage which is why I have a bad taste in my mouth for her from the get go. They both work together and I was always worried about this woman working with my husband. I knew that he had a history with sleeping with his co-workers and he had a sex addiction, then when I saw her for the first time, I saw how beautiful she was. She had long black hair, tan skin, thin, beautiful big white teeth, a very reputable career, and very single. J always comforted me and told me I had nothing to worry about, as if that meant anything. She would always smile and compliment me on how beautiful I was and what a beautiful family I had when I would see her at work events. I eventually found 300 text messages between them on my birthday the last year of my marriage. Still, promising me they had nothing going on and really wanting to believe it. Found out she was engaged and we were invited to her wedding. The day of her wedding, I felt very awkward going to it when I felt like something was going on.  We ended up arguing and he went without me. Fast forward when I finally checked out, numbed myself with anything I possibly could, and got a restraining order, I found out that they had been on a few “business” trips together and that they had been seeing each other for some time. Her new husband is the one to tell me. She asked for a divorce from her new husband so she could be with my husband. To this day, they will never admit to their affair.

There was so many times I wanted to warn her what she was getting herself into. I lived through so much and even though it was hard to see her with J, there was a part of me that felt bad for her. Did she really know how emotionally abusive he could be? How much he cheated on his wife? How much porn he was addicted to? She couldn’t know, or else she would never ever sign up for it. I know how charming he is and how he will dazzle you and make you feel like you are the only woman for him. Everyone in the room will be jealous that he is all yours. People will be envious of your relationship and wish they could have the same. I know because again I lived it. But when all was said and done, things change. The honeymoon ends. The door shuts and real life happens.

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About 6-7 months ago, I received an email from her. My heart dropped. When reading it, she opened up to me and became a real woman that had real problems. Everything I wanted to warn her about, she was emailing me saying she had experienced. It’s hard for me to say that it didn’t validate me in some ways, but in other ways, I started looking at her as more than just the other woman that broke up my marriage. She had only heard stories of my marriage and the bitch that I had been during and after our marriage. She informed me that they had broken up for good and she felt it was time to reach out to the one woman that more than likely had experienced similar circumstances and that could understand the hurt. I was very apprehensive to respond and open up but after weeks of going back and forth, I finally started opening up about my side of the story. I really started thinking I could trust her. She apologized to me for so many times coming in and out of my children’s lives without caring for their wellbeing, and only thought about her’s. She regretted doing that and wished she could change that. I forgave her. We met up a few times and swapped very similar stories. Again this was all very validating. She told me so many awful things that happened with my kids there in his custody from drinking to sex to emotional abuse. She really didn’t hold anything back. She even admitted to me that she was very childish and needed his attention so much that she would push my kids aside while they were all together. All this time I was home crying feeling bad, there was so many problems going on. How did I not know? I opened up to her so much about how my kids hated him. About all of my thoughts about taking him back to court, and she wanted to help me getting the kids taken away from him.

After all these months, J and I had plans for Christmas with the kids. He continued to ask me to stay over night. I finally agreed. The night before, he called me and told me he felt it was a bad idea and it wasn’t comfortable for the kids. I knew something was up. He was the one that basically begged me to stay beforehand. Whenever Miss B and J break up, J and I start having a better relationship. He starts being easier to work with and coparent with. So when I got a long ass text from Miss B, my heart sank. I got this message literally as I was driving up to drop the kids off to J for my son’s birthday. As I pulled up, I got a message alert from her and at the same time I saw Miss B’s new luxury car in front of his house. HOLD ON, not only are they back together, but she is doing the one thing she apologized for. They didn’t take even a few days to introduce her back to the kids lives.  This long message was so long and just giving excuse after excuse for getting back together with him. Telling me that he is a changed man.. lol. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She had just did 6 months of major therapy, realizing how abusive and manipulative and narcissistic he was. She even told me that she really hurt him by talking to me and she couldn’t keep what I shared with her a secret. She told him everything I ever shared with her. At the end of the message, had the audacity to want to still be friends. I watched my son’s face drop when he realized she was there. I could see in their faces that they were thinking about how things were going to change and the first thing out of his mouth was, “why on my birthday? Could he not wait.” It broke my heart. I wrote her a message back that said something about how I am not surprised they are back together because I know all too well the toxic cycle they are in, but if anything I am really bothered she came right back into my kids lives without even a thought. Everything she apologized and regretted, she turned around and did the exact same thing. They were being selfish. When they get back together, they go through a honeymoon stage where they can’t go a minute without each other and then they post it all over social media. It literally is so sad. She wrote me back and told me she felt like I was fraud to her and she is disappointed in me. I literally had nothing much to say.

Since then, they play “house” with my kids. She knows I see her Facebook posts and every other weekend when my kids go with them, and she goes out of her way to post pics of her and my kids like they are her own. It is a punch in the gut every time. This last weekend, she was left with my daughter while J and my son went to a wrestling event. She posted pictures of my daughter and her having a spa day. I do my best in showing my kids that I am happy for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t have a good time with them. They are literally going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Since they have got back together a month ago, they have broken up already once and got back together. I know they aren’t happy, but why does it bother me so bad?

I truly believe that she wants a family of her own so bad and if she really needs my kids to fill that void, I’ll share them with her. I can do that because I know at the end of the day, they will always want me. They want me when they are sick, sad, hungry, tired, lonely, etc.. She is literally just a fill in while I can’t be there. I have to keep reminding myself of that. One thing that bothers me is in our custody agreement, J is the one that put in it that we cannot have sleepovers with that of the opposite sex unless married when kids are in our presence. She sleeps over every single night they are together. Every other weekend they go stay at her place and my kids sleep on the floor. This really bothers me. He thinks he is above our agreement, yet if I were to do that, he would have my ass back in court. I struggle wondering what to do. Do I do something about it or do I ignore it? My poor son at the age of 10 walked in on them having sex on the kitchen counter at dinner time. So this isn’t a couple that is smart. They have sex like monkey’s and drink non stop. My poor kids don’t need to be around that. One day when I find someone, J will get a taste of what he has put me through but the difference is, I will never do what he has done with my kids around.

I really struggle with Miss B and J. I try really hard to let it go, but it gnaws at me. It is constantly thrown in my face. I am always the single mom alone and they are always holding hands when we go to my kids activities. I don’t need them to be unhappy for validation in myself, but why does it still bother me? How can I move the hell on?

xoxo

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