change is in the air

Well a few weeks ago, I was walking into the week with a smile on my face, not knowing what was about to happen. Out of the blue I get a message from J asking if I had insurance at my work and how much it was to get the kids on it. I tried to not alert myself, but soon after he told me to start preparing my budget for his payments to change because he was going to be quitting his job. This guy has it good where he is. He makes over a $110k and a ton of perks. He is trying to blame me for his reason for quitting. Years ago when we were in the middle of our divorce, he and B were caught in their affair at work (yes they both work together at this company) and B’s husband at the time got in touch with me and asked me some questions. Soon after, B’s husband started a lawsuit with the company and used some of the information he got from me. At the time, I was just being honest about what had happened to my knowledge and what he did with it had nothing to do with me. Since then, he has continued to blame me for his problematic reputation at work. Years ago he was able to manipulate everyone and was grooming so many women. He was able to keep his job, but anytime someone catches on to who he “really is” he looks into the possibility of quitting.  And let me remind you, he and B broke up again, so I am sure this is another big reason he is leaving.. So last week he cornered me at our daughters birthday party and said that he couldn’t stay at that job any longer and I needed to prepare for it. I immediately freaked and started asking everyone around me if he can just stop paying me. I got so many different responses. I was able to ask an attorney and he basically said that he can’t just stop paying me. I mean, technically he can, but he would have to fill out some modification papers. The court more than likely goes off of what he is capable of earning, so it shouldn’t shift too much. But yes, I am very worried about my life, cause I know people tell me that I shouldn’t rely on child support and alimony to survive but unfortunately I have had to. I work full time, and don’t make great money but I have been hoping to work up the ladder and possibly go back to school when the time was right and also have the flexibility to be the mom I need to be, being so close to their school, working from home if needed, etc..  I haven’t wanted to argue with J, so I’ve just let him say what he wants and hoped that when the time came for him to quit, that he looks into everything  beforehand. I do not have the money to go back to court and get an attorney right now. I don’t understand why this man would go quit his job before he had something else lined up. At first he said he was going to start a business, but now he said he isn’t sure if that is going to work out. He told me that I need to get the kids into doctors now before it was too late with their insurance.

So with the added pressure financially, I worked up the nerve to go talk to my boss about the possibility of getting a raise to my income. Not just because of my personally situation. In fact, not because of it.. but because I’ve worked hard and started new responsibilities recently. I felt like he completely scooted around the issue and said that they don’t normally change the pay right away with new responsibilities and they want to see how I do in this new role for 60-90 days. In the middle of all of that, he at one point said “well you would need to tell me what exactly you need..” but then never circled back to it. So I walked out of that room confused and discouraged. So since then, I’ve come to work every day pissed off and hating my job and looking for new work. But as I look for new work, I am reminded how it wouldn’t be good timing to change jobs if J is and the kids will need my benefits (even if the premium will triple).

So since the reality of all of this, life has felt like shit. I have a pit in my stomach and thinking about how I am going to survive is on my mind every single part of the day and the night. I am not sleeping. I am hating myself for not having the schooling and feeling like a failure right now. What am I doing? I hate relying on anyone. J’s attitude towards everything is that he has sacrificed staying at this job working his ass off for years now and I shouldn’t be able to just live off of him, and that I am cheating my kids every single day that I work at a shit job, and that if I have to get a 2nd job to support myself then it’ll be fine since he will be home more now.

Welcome to my world of being an ex wife to a complete narcissist.

xoxo