tis the season

It has been way too long. I don’t understand why I go through months of not writing. I think because I caught myself becoming a critical voice to everything I write. Kinda why I stopped sharing my feelings and experiences with friends or family. I can actually hear people saying “oh my God, get over it already. Move the hell on and stop complaining” or “you know the tools and what you need to do, but you continue to throw yourself back into the flame every time, so don’t come back here bitching if you don’t do anything to change your circumstances.” Does anyone else feel that way? But then I realized, as frustrating as I might be, the whole point of my blog is that it is a place for me to be myself and to share my thoughts to help heal myself. Another thought, I understand how frustrating I can be, because I am also frustrated with myself. The main cycle that repeats is allowing to my narcissist of an ex husband and father of my kids to continue to hurt me even though we are divorced. I try so hard to stand up for myself or not get myself in the same position.

So the whole year was decent as far as J goes and our co-parenting relationship has gone. Decent means that we didn’t spend the majority of the year fighting and causing unnecessary drama. At one point, we put everything aside for the kids and went to California to take them to the most magical place on earth, Disneyland. I do feel like we put our shit aside.. however, the more I look back, I was still walking on eggshells with him and there was even times where I kinda missed him and secretly thought what it would be like to be back together.. but I never let that thought last long. I know better, but I am human. Not having anyone to love and be loved by someone can cause stupid thoughts like that to jump back in, and to clear a few things up, no we never discussed anything of the sort and we never had anything romantic. We were just being platonic. Well about a month ago, he mentioned that I do a few family pictures with them. My first thought was, that’s weird and awkward, we are divorced. But then I thought I don’t want to be rude so maybe I’ll do one with them. He would say “it would be good for the kids.” He always made sure to say that so I knew that he didn’t want me in the pictures, but just because it was just for the littles. Well a couple days before the pictures he wrote me and said “Would you like me to help pick out your outfit?” I replied “No I am good thank you.” Which totally baffled me but didn’t at the same time. He has always thought his taste is impeccable. As a man, he has good taste, I’ll give him that but it always has annoyed me that he thinks that he needs to help me pick out an outfit. Maybe some women are completely lost when it comes to style, but I am not. I have great taste, but J has always offended me when it comes to this subject. There were times I would have the kids all dressed and lookin great and I would take them over to his house and he would go out of his way to change them and redo their hair… uhhhhh. What man would do that? Anyway, he finally responded with an asshole tone because I didn’t want his help and he flat out told me that he has a specific look he is going for and he doesn’t want me to ruin the picture or feel awkward and not apart. Just a side note, all the years we were married, I always planned our family pictures and we always got a lot of compliments and they always looked great. So I didn’t really appreciate him making me feel like I wasn’t capable of dressing myself or looking apart. As I was thinking about how to respond I get a second message following that said “and you are WELCOME for even asking you to be apart of our pictures.”  So I just kindly said that I appreciated him extended the offer to take pictures with them and that I think it would be best for just them to take the pictures and I let him know that I know how to dress myself. He didn’t like that. Next thing I knew, I was being harassed about what a selfish mother and coparent I was.

Next issue, child support and alimony. He quit his job in March of this year that was bringing him in 3 figures and I had been worried he would stop paying his obligations. I work hard and work 2 jobs but it’s not enough, his child support and alimony really helps. Well he quit and asked to meet about finances, he requested that he pays me more than half of what he normally owes just temporarily until he gets another job. Well 9 months now and he doesn’t work, in fact his job is supposedly selling stuff on eBay making no more than $1300 a month. He asked to meet up again when we were getting along and I thought he said he would continue to pay me only $500 but he wanted in writing that, that is all I would request cause he wasn’t planning on getting another job but he would pay all the arrears. So I told him we needed to think about it because I just don’t think it’s fair that I am working my ass off to get by why he sits on his ass all day and doesn’t pay me what he is supposed to.  I had been doing him a favor by just taking $500 but some of the months he only paid $200!! So when I requested at least the $500 for this month while we were supposedly thinking about it, he freaked and said that he was trying to tell me that he couldn’t even afford $500 and it wasn’t fair to expect more than that for what he brings in from selling stuff on eBay. The whole time I am thinking, I have been working with you for 9 months but by now you should have an official job and pay your obligations. He only wants to pay $200, are you kidding me? Especially when he is supposed to pay 5 times more than that according to our decree.  So when I told him that I never agreed to that, he actually threatened to take it to court. When he thought I would freak about that, I said I think that’s a great idea cause I know there is no way in hell a judge will ever grant someone that was making $150k for at least 10 years to voluntarily quit his job and expect to only pay $200. He has no reasons he shouldn’t be working. So that has caused a HUGE riff now with us. He continues to tell me how selfish I am and that all I care about is getting a paycheck, which is all a joke. I have worked so hard to get along with him. I was willing to work with him but the MINUTE I do anything that he doesn’t agree to, all hell breaks loose. I’ve been emotionally and verbally assaulted up an down, left and right, to the point where I couldn’t handle another word from him. I get anxiety seeing a message come through. The pain is real and too traumatic for me. So I would rather it be the way it is now, then to always know his bullshit is coming around the corner when I don’t agree with something. I am tired of feeling like I am a piece of trash. I hear it too much. He has made me afraid of him and then he wonders why I go silent. I can’t even respond, it does no good. So having things completely separate from him has actually been refreshing. I actually met with my boss last week and requested a pay raise and I a waiting to hear if I got it, keeping my fingers crossed. It would help me so much try to fill the gap from his lack of help.

In the mean time, I started talking to an old friend I knew from a job I had years ago. I never was attracted to him then but over the years I had been thinking that he seems like a good guy and one day he sent me flowers, we talked daily for a month but never met up. We would always talk about meeting up but it never happened.. but I just kept thinking it would eventually happen. I got really excited. Then out of the blue I haven’t heard from him in over a week. Just like that.. ghosted. Let me tell you how that felt. It makes it that much harder to ever put yourself back out there. I honestly have no clue what happened.  I keep trying to tell myself this is just a hard time and things will be different next year at this time. I am petrified I will never find anyone. I am not sure why it’s been SO hard for me to put myself out there and then when I do get asked out, why I find every excuse to not go. I never remember it being this hard before. Man, I really could use  some help. I wonder if therapy would be good for me, actually that’s a really stupid question. I know it would be. I think I need to get myself some therapy for my new years resolution.

After all this bitching, I truly am grateful to be where I am today. Driving back to work after going to my clinic today, I couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I was addict. How dark and dreary my life was. There was absolutely no light anywhere. It is very hard to shake that feeling and how disappointing it is that I ever let myself get there. But then I knew that forgiving myself and being proud of where I am today is what I need to do. It definitely isn’t easy but I know that’s what would really help me. My whole life is my beautiful kids. I am so grateful to be where I am and for my family that loves me every single day even though they know where I have been and what I have done to them with my choices. There are too many people suffering and we all need to do a better job at loving and forgiving, not just others but ourselves. I know I need to. A beautiful girl that I always looked up to in jr high and high school just passed away last week from anorexia. In her obituary it said she died of a broken heart and mental illness. We are all fighting a hard battle, and some people you would never even guess it. Our lives are too important. Let us all appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, tis the season, right?

Merry Merry Christmas, thank you for reading my novel. I sure do appreciate anyone that reads and also people that are brave enough to share. It’s not easy.

xoxo