stuck

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so i know the past few years feel like i am not really moving forward in my life. I feel like i am stuck in the mud. the mud continues to pull me down under no matter how much i am attempting to get out. the mud is self doubt, self hate, negativity, and pain. how can you get out of the mud if you have awful thoughts running through your mind the minute you wake up in the morning, until you put your head on the pillow at night? i’ve always been extremely hard on myself. i grew up  in a family where your appearance equals happiness. my family is very close and very loving, however, generation to generation we have always had the underlying belief that skinny is beautiful. my parents had me a lot later in life after they both had children and failed marriages. so my closest in age sibling is 16 years older than me. i obviously was the baby of the family. both of my mom’s daughters were in the miss america pageants a year apart. they are both very talented and very beautiful. because we have different fathers, we are not built the same and i do not look like them. i was always compared to them by everyone. i always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. at the very young age of 14, i was throwing up my meals. i would stay in the bathroom after dinner for hours trying to get it out. my family HAD to of known something was going on, but instead it was overlooked. my mother is a very beautiful woman as well. very tiny and petite. she was always compared to her twin sister and she always was trying to lose weight. i know that she has her own unhealthy way of viewing what is important and beauty, so i hate to blame my mother in all of this because i know she loves me and i know her intentions were not ill intended and she will never fully understand the pain many of her comments and actions have caused me and how it has effected my adult years. any time i have tried to have the discussion with her, it never goes great. she is in complete denial. in junior high i was a cheerleader and she would tell me i would be happier if i would lose a few pounds. she would tell me she would buy me something if i would lose 5 pounds. she would start hiding the treats and the butter. she will never admit to doing that, but she absolutely did it. she would look at my outfit up and down to see if my pants were too tight and just by her reaction to how i looked, would dictate whether my night was good or bad. i was counting calories, overeating treats when i was at my friends houses, and purging the minute i could find the right time, obsessing that my friends were skinnier than i was, comparing myself to everyone in sight. as i got older and when i moved out of the house, i was partying a lot with my friends and roommates and ended losing a lot of weight. at that time, i thought i was happy with myself, but i obviously wasn’t, but again my weight dictated whether i thought i was happy or not. after getting married, i stayed thin but when i look back, i didn’t consider myself thin. i was always very critical of myself. loving who i was never really happened, but it wasn’t something that was on my mind much. i mean it didn’t help that my husband was having affairs, but i always got compliments that i looked beautiful from my family, so i guess that means i was okay right?

well moving on to now. since the divorce and my illness, i’ve put on probably 20-30 pounds. i don’t even know how to say this without wanting to die. to admit out loud where i am is so humiliating. so i have never been able to really full ever heal. i’ve either used bulimia to feel better, drugs, or men. now the past few weeks loving who i am is on my mind. i’ve told myself if i lose the weight, i will love me for sure. but how can i lose the weight if i am so negative and down on myself? because obviously nothing has worked so far. i’ve tried a lot of things to lose weight, going to the gym, paying for food to be brought in that are low in calories and fat content, diets, etc.. nothing is working. i know that methadone doesn’t help but i’ve been coming down on my dose but it’s not helping. but how can i love myself NOW.. TODAY? how can i get out of the mud that is so thick? no one will ever love me, if i don’t love me. i can’t even stand to see myself in ANY pictures. and it makes it so hard to be around my family because the weight thing is still JUST AS IMPORTANT as it has always been. so it makes me not want to be around them because i feel so judged by them. i know they feel pity for me. i try to remember how i’ve overcome so much. i’ve gotten myself clean, i’ve gone through a painful divorce, i’ve overcome my health problems, i have been able to grow back my full head of hair, and i am a good mother. but non of that matters if i am not at the size i want to be. how can i change this way of thinking? yes, people say affirmations, and just do it, just LOVE YOURSELF, it’s as easy as that. but this is years and years of thinking. i don’t know how to change it. i want my kids to see me love who i am for once. i want to love me for me, and more than anything i want to find a man to love me for me. how can i get out of this freaking dark heavy mud that i have been stuck in for so long?

xoxo

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playing the victim

doesn’t it seem like life just isn’t fair at times? it’s almost like i just got handed the shittiest hand time and time again. I HATE hearing people complain redundantly. And when i get on my blog, i think, maybe that’s all i do here. It’s my place to just vomit all over the blank page. then when I am finished typing and i publish my rant, i go back to savanna smiles (you might be too young to know who that it is).

i’m not afraid to work and i truly appreciate being able to bring in a paycheck. i was out of the working field for quite a few years while i stayed home to raise our two kiddos. even when i was home, i created an online boutique and handmade all the hair accessories and holders. it was something i enjoyed to do while i was a mommy. when divorcing j, i wasn’t afraid to get myself back out there. did i love the idea of not being home with the kids and having the luxury that i had before? no. but i believed in myself. it was hard for me cause i was  a lot older and i never finished college, so i don’t have a degree. but i found this job around the corner from my home (huge bonus) and they were very casual with my hours and the fact that if i needed to go get my kids from school, they made it very easy. the pay was not great, but the benefits of the job were huge. i was told that if i stuck with it, i would be able to work my way up quickly. last year our company was bought out by a very successful company. they promised that they were a competitive paying company. i stuck it out thinking they would make my pay higher. i took on a new role that was triple the work that i was doing before, on top of doing the same duties i was doing before. when asking if i got a higher pay with this new role, i was told that i need to prove myself. 8 months later, still holding strong and been given more and more tasks and gaining confidence with it. my annual review came up and i was prepared. i had my market value printed out and even got peer recommendations. after having the meeting with my manager, i felt confidently that i was going to get a good pay increase. he requested that i send my increase request to the CFO, who my manager reported to. i received an email back from him saying that after looking into my market value, i was due for a considerable pay increase and that my manager would sit with me in our next one on one meeting and give me the specifics. all through the holidays i was so happy and felt like i was finally being compensated for what i deserved. i kept asking my manager when were going to be able to meet and i got ignored and he avoided me almost weekly. during this time, i found out our office all got a $3,000 a year raise to bump us all up because we were the lowest paid office out of all the companies they bought out. after finally meeting with my manager, they told me that the only increase i was getting was the one they gave everyone. so basically i am still getting paid the same as when i started and from when i only did a small portion of what i do now. it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. i asked how that made sense with the work i was doing before compared to the work i am doing now how they can even explain how that is fair? they totally led me to believe i was getting a “considerable” pay increase when they weren’t planning at all to give me anything and just saying that i am getting a raise based off of the one they were going to give me regardless of my work increasing. i am truthfully sick about it. i’ve given this company all of me for 3.5 years now for basically nothing. i know what i have to do and that is find something else, but it’s so hard to do that. they have NO ONE right now that can step in for what i do. i feel like walking out and screwing them over. the hardest part of all this is that j has stopped paying me!! ya know, if i was getting my child support and alimony, i maybe could make this work but to not get the raise i deserve after working my ass off and proving myself to them just to get told no, all the while i am trying to raise my kids with no child support or alimony. how does that work? how is that fair? how is it that a grown ass man can quit a 3 figure paying job just to stop paying his obligations? all i want is to be given what was agreed to and get paid for the work i do with my job. all of it is completely fucked up. now i am really stuck in a bind.

on top of all this, the woman that stole my identity is getting away with it because the detectives dropped the case. so all three of things to me seem so unfair. and in all honestly, i do feel like a victim in these circumstances. i know i need to get out of the pity party and control what i can control, but i just want to bitch. i want WHAT IS MINE and i want WHAT IS FAIR. how hard is that?

okay let me take a breather 3 – 2- 1 – ACTION.

xoxo

savannah smiles 🙂

tis the season

It has been way too long. I don’t understand why I go through months of not writing. I think because I caught myself becoming a critical voice to everything I write. Kinda why I stopped sharing my feelings and experiences with friends or family. I can actually hear people saying “oh my God, get over it already. Move the hell on and stop complaining” or “you know the tools and what you need to do, but you continue to throw yourself back into the flame every time, so don’t come back here bitching if you don’t do anything to change your circumstances.” Does anyone else feel that way? But then I realized, as frustrating as I might be, the whole point of my blog is that it is a place for me to be myself and to share my thoughts to help heal myself. Another thought, I understand how frustrating I can be, because I am also frustrated with myself. The main cycle that repeats is allowing to my narcissist of an ex husband and father of my kids to continue to hurt me even though we are divorced. I try so hard to stand up for myself or not get myself in the same position.

So the whole year was decent as far as J goes and our co-parenting relationship has gone. Decent means that we didn’t spend the majority of the year fighting and causing unnecessary drama. At one point, we put everything aside for the kids and went to California to take them to the most magical place on earth, Disneyland. I do feel like we put our shit aside.. however, the more I look back, I was still walking on eggshells with him and there was even times where I kinda missed him and secretly thought what it would be like to be back together.. but I never let that thought last long. I know better, but I am human. Not having anyone to love and be loved by someone can cause stupid thoughts like that to jump back in, and to clear a few things up, no we never discussed anything of the sort and we never had anything romantic. We were just being platonic. Well about a month ago, he mentioned that I do a few family pictures with them. My first thought was, that’s weird and awkward, we are divorced. But then I thought I don’t want to be rude so maybe I’ll do one with them. He would say “it would be good for the kids.” He always made sure to say that so I knew that he didn’t want me in the pictures, but just because it was just for the littles. Well a couple days before the pictures he wrote me and said “Would you like me to help pick out your outfit?” I replied “No I am good thank you.” Which totally baffled me but didn’t at the same time. He has always thought his taste is impeccable. As a man, he has good taste, I’ll give him that but it always has annoyed me that he thinks that he needs to help me pick out an outfit. Maybe some women are completely lost when it comes to style, but I am not. I have great taste, but J has always offended me when it comes to this subject. There were times I would have the kids all dressed and lookin great and I would take them over to his house and he would go out of his way to change them and redo their hair… uhhhhh. What man would do that? Anyway, he finally responded with an asshole tone because I didn’t want his help and he flat out told me that he has a specific look he is going for and he doesn’t want me to ruin the picture or feel awkward and not apart. Just a side note, all the years we were married, I always planned our family pictures and we always got a lot of compliments and they always looked great. So I didn’t really appreciate him making me feel like I wasn’t capable of dressing myself or looking apart. As I was thinking about how to respond I get a second message following that said “and you are WELCOME for even asking you to be apart of our pictures.”  So I just kindly said that I appreciated him extended the offer to take pictures with them and that I think it would be best for just them to take the pictures and I let him know that I know how to dress myself. He didn’t like that. Next thing I knew, I was being harassed about what a selfish mother and coparent I was.

Next issue, child support and alimony. He quit his job in March of this year that was bringing him in 3 figures and I had been worried he would stop paying his obligations. I work hard and work 2 jobs but it’s not enough, his child support and alimony really helps. Well he quit and asked to meet about finances, he requested that he pays me more than half of what he normally owes just temporarily until he gets another job. Well 9 months now and he doesn’t work, in fact his job is supposedly selling stuff on eBay making no more than $1300 a month. He asked to meet up again when we were getting along and I thought he said he would continue to pay me only $500 but he wanted in writing that, that is all I would request cause he wasn’t planning on getting another job but he would pay all the arrears. So I told him we needed to think about it because I just don’t think it’s fair that I am working my ass off to get by why he sits on his ass all day and doesn’t pay me what he is supposed to.  I had been doing him a favor by just taking $500 but some of the months he only paid $200!! So when I requested at least the $500 for this month while we were supposedly thinking about it, he freaked and said that he was trying to tell me that he couldn’t even afford $500 and it wasn’t fair to expect more than that for what he brings in from selling stuff on eBay. The whole time I am thinking, I have been working with you for 9 months but by now you should have an official job and pay your obligations. He only wants to pay $200, are you kidding me? Especially when he is supposed to pay 5 times more than that according to our decree.  So when I told him that I never agreed to that, he actually threatened to take it to court. When he thought I would freak about that, I said I think that’s a great idea cause I know there is no way in hell a judge will ever grant someone that was making $150k for at least 10 years to voluntarily quit his job and expect to only pay $200. He has no reasons he shouldn’t be working. So that has caused a HUGE riff now with us. He continues to tell me how selfish I am and that all I care about is getting a paycheck, which is all a joke. I have worked so hard to get along with him. I was willing to work with him but the MINUTE I do anything that he doesn’t agree to, all hell breaks loose. I’ve been emotionally and verbally assaulted up an down, left and right, to the point where I couldn’t handle another word from him. I get anxiety seeing a message come through. The pain is real and too traumatic for me. So I would rather it be the way it is now, then to always know his bullshit is coming around the corner when I don’t agree with something. I am tired of feeling like I am a piece of trash. I hear it too much. He has made me afraid of him and then he wonders why I go silent. I can’t even respond, it does no good. So having things completely separate from him has actually been refreshing. I actually met with my boss last week and requested a pay raise and I a waiting to hear if I got it, keeping my fingers crossed. It would help me so much try to fill the gap from his lack of help.

In the mean time, I started talking to an old friend I knew from a job I had years ago. I never was attracted to him then but over the years I had been thinking that he seems like a good guy and one day he sent me flowers, we talked daily for a month but never met up. We would always talk about meeting up but it never happened.. but I just kept thinking it would eventually happen. I got really excited. Then out of the blue I haven’t heard from him in over a week. Just like that.. ghosted. Let me tell you how that felt. It makes it that much harder to ever put yourself back out there. I honestly have no clue what happened.  I keep trying to tell myself this is just a hard time and things will be different next year at this time. I am petrified I will never find anyone. I am not sure why it’s been SO hard for me to put myself out there and then when I do get asked out, why I find every excuse to not go. I never remember it being this hard before. Man, I really could use  some help. I wonder if therapy would be good for me, actually that’s a really stupid question. I know it would be. I think I need to get myself some therapy for my new years resolution.

After all this bitching, I truly am grateful to be where I am today. Driving back to work after going to my clinic today, I couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I was addict. How dark and dreary my life was. There was absolutely no light anywhere. It is very hard to shake that feeling and how disappointing it is that I ever let myself get there. But then I knew that forgiving myself and being proud of where I am today is what I need to do. It definitely isn’t easy but I know that’s what would really help me. My whole life is my beautiful kids. I am so grateful to be where I am and for my family that loves me every single day even though they know where I have been and what I have done to them with my choices. There are too many people suffering and we all need to do a better job at loving and forgiving, not just others but ourselves. I know I need to. A beautiful girl that I always looked up to in jr high and high school just passed away last week from anorexia. In her obituary it said she died of a broken heart and mental illness. We are all fighting a hard battle, and some people you would never even guess it. Our lives are too important. Let us all appreciate what we have and who we have in our lives, tis the season, right?

Merry Merry Christmas, thank you for reading my novel. I sure do appreciate anyone that reads and also people that are brave enough to share. It’s not easy.

xoxo

SURPRISE

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STOP, reverse, erase….

Miss B and J are back on again. I think my head left still spinning…

I have know this for a while, but I better just say it like it is… these two affect me way too much. Duh duh duhhhhh. I feel pathetic. What goes on with them shouldn’t be something that alters my day or my mood. This has got to stop. Why am I letting it upset me? Again, it’s got to stop. The only thing that should be affecting me is the protection of my kids. The rest of it is not my business.

Sometimes there is a small bit of satisfaction when I hear about their issues. But it hurts and upsets me every time they get back and shove it all over social media and in front of my face at my kids activities. It’s comical. I know the drill by now.

J’s cousin is a good friend of mine still and isn’t that close to him and his family. We were talking today and just like a lot of you, she feels like I need to put my foot down and start setting my boundaries, starting with the fact that he completely ignores what’s in the divorce decree. It’s always at his convenience. He is the one that wanted us to not have sleepovers with the opposite sex unless we were married when the kids were in our care, now he just ignores that. When I told him that it has to stop, he said “Stop being a jealous ex wife and get over yourself. She is a girlfriend of 4 years and someone that is going to be in their lives indefinitely, so move on.” So I am not dealing with a normal human being here. I haven’t brought it up since. So I’ve got to come up with a game plan that if he doesn’t stick to the decree, then shit is going to go down. No more being nice, and being taken advantage of. Who gives a shit what I think, right?  I am the mother of these kids and I  better start earning some God damn respect. Enough is enough. I am not sure how I am going to go about it all, but I better start getting a game plan in action. My kids deserve better. J go do what you want with Miss B, just leave our kids out of it.

So cheer me on while I put my big girl panties on.

xoxo

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miss B

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I desperately don’t want to be that woman that hangs on to the same negative bullshit that her ex husband has caused and how she is scorned. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t quite get over his new life and his new woman. I feel like I come on to this blog and bitch about the same thing repeatedly. So I apologize. However, I didn’t create this blog to help me heal. So I think it’s a very fine line in allowing yourself to vent and be upset and start the healing process and then just bitching over and over and never finding resolution. I appreciate everyone of you that comments on my posts and involve yourself, it really does help me more than you know. Every time I show that I have a comment, it’s like the giddy kid in me every time I would get a letter in the mailbox. So now that I have expressed what I don’t want to do, let me get right to it and bitch some more (haha)…

Let me go back 6 months ago (I believe I touched on this, but never did explaining).. Miss B is my ex’s longtime on and off girlfriend.. she also was cheating with my husband the last year of my marriage which is why I have a bad taste in my mouth for her from the get go. They both work together and I was always worried about this woman working with my husband. I knew that he had a history with sleeping with his co-workers and he had a sex addiction, then when I saw her for the first time, I saw how beautiful she was. She had long black hair, tan skin, thin, beautiful big white teeth, a very reputable career, and very single. J always comforted me and told me I had nothing to worry about, as if that meant anything. She would always smile and compliment me on how beautiful I was and what a beautiful family I had when I would see her at work events. I eventually found 300 text messages between them on my birthday the last year of my marriage. Still, promising me they had nothing going on and really wanting to believe it. Found out she was engaged and we were invited to her wedding. The day of her wedding, I felt very awkward going to it when I felt like something was going on.  We ended up arguing and he went without me. Fast forward when I finally checked out, numbed myself with anything I possibly could, and got a restraining order, I found out that they had been on a few “business” trips together and that they had been seeing each other for some time. Her new husband is the one to tell me. She asked for a divorce from her new husband so she could be with my husband. To this day, they will never admit to their affair.

There was so many times I wanted to warn her what she was getting herself into. I lived through so much and even though it was hard to see her with J, there was a part of me that felt bad for her. Did she really know how emotionally abusive he could be? How much he cheated on his wife? How much porn he was addicted to? She couldn’t know, or else she would never ever sign up for it. I know how charming he is and how he will dazzle you and make you feel like you are the only woman for him. Everyone in the room will be jealous that he is all yours. People will be envious of your relationship and wish they could have the same. I know because again I lived it. But when all was said and done, things change. The honeymoon ends. The door shuts and real life happens.

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About 6-7 months ago, I received an email from her. My heart dropped. When reading it, she opened up to me and became a real woman that had real problems. Everything I wanted to warn her about, she was emailing me saying she had experienced. It’s hard for me to say that it didn’t validate me in some ways, but in other ways, I started looking at her as more than just the other woman that broke up my marriage. She had only heard stories of my marriage and the bitch that I had been during and after our marriage. She informed me that they had broken up for good and she felt it was time to reach out to the one woman that more than likely had experienced similar circumstances and that could understand the hurt. I was very apprehensive to respond and open up but after weeks of going back and forth, I finally started opening up about my side of the story. I really started thinking I could trust her. She apologized to me for so many times coming in and out of my children’s lives without caring for their wellbeing, and only thought about her’s. She regretted doing that and wished she could change that. I forgave her. We met up a few times and swapped very similar stories. Again this was all very validating. She told me so many awful things that happened with my kids there in his custody from drinking to sex to emotional abuse. She really didn’t hold anything back. She even admitted to me that she was very childish and needed his attention so much that she would push my kids aside while they were all together. All this time I was home crying feeling bad, there was so many problems going on. How did I not know? I opened up to her so much about how my kids hated him. About all of my thoughts about taking him back to court, and she wanted to help me getting the kids taken away from him.

After all these months, J and I had plans for Christmas with the kids. He continued to ask me to stay over night. I finally agreed. The night before, he called me and told me he felt it was a bad idea and it wasn’t comfortable for the kids. I knew something was up. He was the one that basically begged me to stay beforehand. Whenever Miss B and J break up, J and I start having a better relationship. He starts being easier to work with and coparent with. So when I got a long ass text from Miss B, my heart sank. I got this message literally as I was driving up to drop the kids off to J for my son’s birthday. As I pulled up, I got a message alert from her and at the same time I saw Miss B’s new luxury car in front of his house. HOLD ON, not only are they back together, but she is doing the one thing she apologized for. They didn’t take even a few days to introduce her back to the kids lives.  This long message was so long and just giving excuse after excuse for getting back together with him. Telling me that he is a changed man.. lol. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She had just did 6 months of major therapy, realizing how abusive and manipulative and narcissistic he was. She even told me that she really hurt him by talking to me and she couldn’t keep what I shared with her a secret. She told him everything I ever shared with her. At the end of the message, had the audacity to want to still be friends. I watched my son’s face drop when he realized she was there. I could see in their faces that they were thinking about how things were going to change and the first thing out of his mouth was, “why on my birthday? Could he not wait.” It broke my heart. I wrote her a message back that said something about how I am not surprised they are back together because I know all too well the toxic cycle they are in, but if anything I am really bothered she came right back into my kids lives without even a thought. Everything she apologized and regretted, she turned around and did the exact same thing. They were being selfish. When they get back together, they go through a honeymoon stage where they can’t go a minute without each other and then they post it all over social media. It literally is so sad. She wrote me back and told me she felt like I was fraud to her and she is disappointed in me. I literally had nothing much to say.

Since then, they play “house” with my kids. She knows I see her Facebook posts and every other weekend when my kids go with them, and she goes out of her way to post pics of her and my kids like they are her own. It is a punch in the gut every time. This last weekend, she was left with my daughter while J and my son went to a wrestling event. She posted pictures of my daughter and her having a spa day. I do my best in showing my kids that I am happy for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t have a good time with them. They are literally going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Since they have got back together a month ago, they have broken up already once and got back together. I know they aren’t happy, but why does it bother me so bad?

I truly believe that she wants a family of her own so bad and if she really needs my kids to fill that void, I’ll share them with her. I can do that because I know at the end of the day, they will always want me. They want me when they are sick, sad, hungry, tired, lonely, etc.. She is literally just a fill in while I can’t be there. I have to keep reminding myself of that. One thing that bothers me is in our custody agreement, J is the one that put in it that we cannot have sleepovers with that of the opposite sex unless married when kids are in our presence. She sleeps over every single night they are together. Every other weekend they go stay at her place and my kids sleep on the floor. This really bothers me. He thinks he is above our agreement, yet if I were to do that, he would have my ass back in court. I struggle wondering what to do. Do I do something about it or do I ignore it? My poor son at the age of 10 walked in on them having sex on the kitchen counter at dinner time. So this isn’t a couple that is smart. They have sex like monkey’s and drink non stop. My poor kids don’t need to be around that. One day when I find someone, J will get a taste of what he has put me through but the difference is, I will never do what he has done with my kids around.

I really struggle with Miss B and J. I try really hard to let it go, but it gnaws at me. It is constantly thrown in my face. I am always the single mom alone and they are always holding hands when we go to my kids activities. I don’t need them to be unhappy for validation in myself, but why does it still bother me? How can I move the hell on?

xoxo

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this too shall pass, or will it?

I feel like I’ve sat down to write this EXACT post, and you know, maybe I have. I am just too lazy to look up my history titles.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain and sadness. A girl I became close to ended her life a few weeks ago and just as I am trying to accept the reality of that, I find out a good family friend’s wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a very short time to live. It has been devastating to me and having such a hard time imagining what they are going through at this time. Then I woke up to an awful text message from an old friend. She told me of our mutual friends passing the night before from an accidental overdose. I haven’t had the time to even process everything. One thing after another. It’s all too painful. I’ve sat at work just staring out the window acknowledging how unfair this all is. Each one of these tragedies is too much to handle. My friend that overdosed was clean for a year and doing so well and just in a weak moment, all those years of getting himself clean are over. His son no longer has a father. My other friend is losing his wife before his eyes. Too many families losing their loved ones.

After talking to my dad and telling him how negative I was feeling, I mentioned to him how hard it is to go about life and trying to enjoy it when you know that in a blink of an eye, it can be over for anyone of us. He reminded me that is why we have to appreciate  and enjoy it. You can’t let the anxiety of knowing it could end tomorrow change that, but that we need to appreciate our relationships and really hold on to our experiences differently then we would have not realizing how fragile life is.

My divorce has really messed me up. It still hurts today just as much as it did a couple of years ago. I am accepting of it more, but still replay what I could have done different over and over in my head. Sometimes I forget that it is not normal to be cheated on repetitively throughout your marriage. I keep thinking that if I wouldn’t have made my mistakes that we could have still been together, and I have to mentally hit myself upside the head and remind myself that even if I would have done what I did to hurt the end of our marriage, that no healthy relationship has affair after affair and not be terribly affected by it. It’s not normal to be told of a new girlfriend your husband has had year after year. But as long as he is sorry, then I guess I can move on right? I kept thinking if I worked harder at being a wife, it would get better. It didn’t. But I stayed with him over and over again, stayed faithful until I became the wife I never wanted to be. Funny how life works eh?

So like I said above, there has been a lot of sadness surrounding me lately. As I step out of my body emotionally and look back at myself I am reminded at how important life is. I may have lost my marriage, but I didn’t lose my relationship with myself nor my kids. In fact, I am getting closer to both myself and my kids more than I think was ever possible before. When you are in a toxic relationship, it’s impossible to appreciate and love yourself and the other relationships close to you. So the pain is still there, but I am having a field day with being reminded of what is important with the life that I still do have and the blessings that are looking back at me daily.

xoxo

gears have shifted

I haven’t spent much time blogging lately. I don’t know if it’s that life has just been busy and I’ve got caught up with that, or if I have purposely just stayed away or maybe a little of both. It seems like after getting divorced and going through a really challenging time, I started to make my way back up in life and there was a sense of a natural high that I was on. Life felt good. My hair was growing back, my kids and I were closer than ever, I was sober, my divorce and custody battle was behind me, I had a great job, have a great place to live, and it was my time to start voicing  it. Life has not changed for me, all of those things are still there and going great, but it’s almost as if the natural high is not as high, so to speak. As Summer of 2016 came to an end, it seemed as if so did the adrenaline of my new life. I am still moving forward and in a positive direction, but the only way I can describe it is as if I am in my new car driving and the gears shifted down a gear, just a changed a little bit. I am tired, and I know this is how life goes for everyone. It’s important that we all acknowledge it, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me, but sometimes we have to push a little harder to stay afloat.

With the leaves falling on the ground and we start wearing sweaters and our cute boots, school is in session, and we have the stress of homework, and the sun goes down earlier in the day, things seem to be changing within me. I haven’t been working out at the gym at lunch like I was, I am having the desire to take a nap after work rather than have a fun activity to do with the kids. I finally agreed to my first real date this week. I’ve been putting this guy off for months and finally forced myself to go meet him for coffee. I didn’t really think much of it until the morning of. I started feeling nervous and thinking about what the conversation would be like and how awkward it would be right at first. I never remembering feeling this way years ago when I was single. Boy things change. He seemed to be really nice, but he talked a lot about his animosity for the church we grew up in and that to me was kind of a red flag in a way because it was almost a little obsessive. He talked a lot about his past dates, which made me realize he is a damn pro at this, when I am close to being a virgin! lol. After the date was finished, I walked to my car thinking “yessss, I did it. I officially dipped my toe in the ocean of dating.” But soon after my happiness flatlined and I was on a phone call with a friend and I told her of my date, after telling her the guys name, she told me she had been out with him a few years ago and that all he cared about was getting her into bed and she would hope I would never go out with him again. So, after that I’ve not known what to think. Why can’t dating be easier? Why can’t I just easily run into an old friend that is newly divorced and fall in love and that’s that? I am dreading keeping this up. I honestly keep looking around at all the couples around me and think, “how did they do this? I am so envious that they found one another.”

For now, I need to count my blessings that I might still be single and life seems to have shifted a gear or two, I am still heading in the right direction and I have my two best friends a long for the ride. Even if I do  pull over and nap along the way:)

 

Shifting Gears
A woman with her hand on the shifter in a modern car. Fisheye lens used for exaggerated perspective.

xoxo