SURPRISE

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STOP, reverse, erase….

Miss B and J are back on again. I think my head left still spinning…

I have know this for a while, but I better just say it like it is… these two affect me way too much. Duh duh duhhhhh. I feel pathetic. What goes on with them shouldn’t be something that alters my day or my mood. This has got to stop. Why am I letting it upset me? Again, it’s got to stop. The only thing that should be affecting me is the protection of my kids. The rest of it is not my business.

Sometimes there is a small bit of satisfaction when I hear about their issues. But it hurts and upsets me every time they get back and shove it all over social media and in front of my face at my kids activities. It’s comical. I know the drill by now.

J’s cousin is a good friend of mine still and isn’t that close to him and his family. We were talking today and just like a lot of you, she feels like I need to put my foot down and start setting my boundaries, starting with the fact that he completely ignores what’s in the divorce decree. It’s always at his convenience. He is the one that wanted us to not have sleepovers with the opposite sex unless we were married when the kids were in our care, now he just ignores that. When I told him that it has to stop, he said “Stop being a jealous ex wife and get over yourself. She is a girlfriend of 4 years and someone that is going to be in their lives indefinitely, so move on.” So I am not dealing with a normal human being here. I haven’t brought it up since. So I’ve got to come up with a game plan that if he doesn’t stick to the decree, then shit is going to go down. No more being nice, and being taken advantage of. Who gives a shit what I think, right?  I am the mother of these kids and I  better start earning some God damn respect. Enough is enough. I am not sure how I am going to go about it all, but I better start getting a game plan in action. My kids deserve better. J go do what you want with Miss B, just leave our kids out of it.

So cheer me on while I put my big girl panties on.

xoxo

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miss B

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I desperately don’t want to be that woman that hangs on to the same negative bullshit that her ex husband has caused and how she is scorned. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t quite get over his new life and his new woman. I feel like I come on to this blog and bitch about the same thing repeatedly. So I apologize. However, I didn’t create this blog to help me heal. So I think it’s a very fine line in allowing yourself to vent and be upset and start the healing process and then just bitching over and over and never finding resolution. I appreciate everyone of you that comments on my posts and involve yourself, it really does help me more than you know. Every time I show that I have a comment, it’s like the giddy kid in me every time I would get a letter in the mailbox. So now that I have expressed what I don’t want to do, let me get right to it and bitch some more (haha)…

Let me go back 6 months ago (I believe I touched on this, but never did explaining).. Miss B is my ex’s longtime on and off girlfriend.. she also was cheating with my husband the last year of my marriage which is why I have a bad taste in my mouth for her from the get go. They both work together and I was always worried about this woman working with my husband. I knew that he had a history with sleeping with his co-workers and he had a sex addiction, then when I saw her for the first time, I saw how beautiful she was. She had long black hair, tan skin, thin, beautiful big white teeth, a very reputable career, and very single. J always comforted me and told me I had nothing to worry about, as if that meant anything. She would always smile and compliment me on how beautiful I was and what a beautiful family I had when I would see her at work events. I eventually found 300 text messages between them on my birthday the last year of my marriage. Still, promising me they had nothing going on and really wanting to believe it. Found out she was engaged and we were invited to her wedding. The day of her wedding, I felt very awkward going to it when I felt like something was going on.  We ended up arguing and he went without me. Fast forward when I finally checked out, numbed myself with anything I possibly could, and got a restraining order, I found out that they had been on a few “business” trips together and that they had been seeing each other for some time. Her new husband is the one to tell me. She asked for a divorce from her new husband so she could be with my husband. To this day, they will never admit to their affair.

There was so many times I wanted to warn her what she was getting herself into. I lived through so much and even though it was hard to see her with J, there was a part of me that felt bad for her. Did she really know how emotionally abusive he could be? How much he cheated on his wife? How much porn he was addicted to? She couldn’t know, or else she would never ever sign up for it. I know how charming he is and how he will dazzle you and make you feel like you are the only woman for him. Everyone in the room will be jealous that he is all yours. People will be envious of your relationship and wish they could have the same. I know because again I lived it. But when all was said and done, things change. The honeymoon ends. The door shuts and real life happens.

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About 6-7 months ago, I received an email from her. My heart dropped. When reading it, she opened up to me and became a real woman that had real problems. Everything I wanted to warn her about, she was emailing me saying she had experienced. It’s hard for me to say that it didn’t validate me in some ways, but in other ways, I started looking at her as more than just the other woman that broke up my marriage. She had only heard stories of my marriage and the bitch that I had been during and after our marriage. She informed me that they had broken up for good and she felt it was time to reach out to the one woman that more than likely had experienced similar circumstances and that could understand the hurt. I was very apprehensive to respond and open up but after weeks of going back and forth, I finally started opening up about my side of the story. I really started thinking I could trust her. She apologized to me for so many times coming in and out of my children’s lives without caring for their wellbeing, and only thought about her’s. She regretted doing that and wished she could change that. I forgave her. We met up a few times and swapped very similar stories. Again this was all very validating. She told me so many awful things that happened with my kids there in his custody from drinking to sex to emotional abuse. She really didn’t hold anything back. She even admitted to me that she was very childish and needed his attention so much that she would push my kids aside while they were all together. All this time I was home crying feeling bad, there was so many problems going on. How did I not know? I opened up to her so much about how my kids hated him. About all of my thoughts about taking him back to court, and she wanted to help me getting the kids taken away from him.

After all these months, J and I had plans for Christmas with the kids. He continued to ask me to stay over night. I finally agreed. The night before, he called me and told me he felt it was a bad idea and it wasn’t comfortable for the kids. I knew something was up. He was the one that basically begged me to stay beforehand. Whenever Miss B and J break up, J and I start having a better relationship. He starts being easier to work with and coparent with. So when I got a long ass text from Miss B, my heart sank. I got this message literally as I was driving up to drop the kids off to J for my son’s birthday. As I pulled up, I got a message alert from her and at the same time I saw Miss B’s new luxury car in front of his house. HOLD ON, not only are they back together, but she is doing the one thing she apologized for. They didn’t take even a few days to introduce her back to the kids lives.  This long message was so long and just giving excuse after excuse for getting back together with him. Telling me that he is a changed man.. lol. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? She had just did 6 months of major therapy, realizing how abusive and manipulative and narcissistic he was. She even told me that she really hurt him by talking to me and she couldn’t keep what I shared with her a secret. She told him everything I ever shared with her. At the end of the message, had the audacity to want to still be friends. I watched my son’s face drop when he realized she was there. I could see in their faces that they were thinking about how things were going to change and the first thing out of his mouth was, “why on my birthday? Could he not wait.” It broke my heart. I wrote her a message back that said something about how I am not surprised they are back together because I know all too well the toxic cycle they are in, but if anything I am really bothered she came right back into my kids lives without even a thought. Everything she apologized and regretted, she turned around and did the exact same thing. They were being selfish. When they get back together, they go through a honeymoon stage where they can’t go a minute without each other and then they post it all over social media. It literally is so sad. She wrote me back and told me she felt like I was fraud to her and she is disappointed in me. I literally had nothing much to say.

Since then, they play “house” with my kids. She knows I see her Facebook posts and every other weekend when my kids go with them, and she goes out of her way to post pics of her and my kids like they are her own. It is a punch in the gut every time. This last weekend, she was left with my daughter while J and my son went to a wrestling event. She posted pictures of my daughter and her having a spa day. I do my best in showing my kids that I am happy for them. I don’t want them to feel like they can’t have a good time with them. They are literally going to Disneyland in a few weeks. Since they have got back together a month ago, they have broken up already once and got back together. I know they aren’t happy, but why does it bother me so bad?

I truly believe that she wants a family of her own so bad and if she really needs my kids to fill that void, I’ll share them with her. I can do that because I know at the end of the day, they will always want me. They want me when they are sick, sad, hungry, tired, lonely, etc.. She is literally just a fill in while I can’t be there. I have to keep reminding myself of that. One thing that bothers me is in our custody agreement, J is the one that put in it that we cannot have sleepovers with that of the opposite sex unless married when kids are in our presence. She sleeps over every single night they are together. Every other weekend they go stay at her place and my kids sleep on the floor. This really bothers me. He thinks he is above our agreement, yet if I were to do that, he would have my ass back in court. I struggle wondering what to do. Do I do something about it or do I ignore it? My poor son at the age of 10 walked in on them having sex on the kitchen counter at dinner time. So this isn’t a couple that is smart. They have sex like monkey’s and drink non stop. My poor kids don’t need to be around that. One day when I find someone, J will get a taste of what he has put me through but the difference is, I will never do what he has done with my kids around.

I really struggle with Miss B and J. I try really hard to let it go, but it gnaws at me. It is constantly thrown in my face. I am always the single mom alone and they are always holding hands when we go to my kids activities. I don’t need them to be unhappy for validation in myself, but why does it still bother me? How can I move the hell on?

xoxo

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this too shall pass, or will it?

I feel like I’ve sat down to write this EXACT post, and you know, maybe I have. I am just too lazy to look up my history titles.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain and sadness. A girl I became close to ended her life a few weeks ago and just as I am trying to accept the reality of that, I find out a good family friend’s wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has a very short time to live. It has been devastating to me and having such a hard time imagining what they are going through at this time. Then I woke up to an awful text message from an old friend. She told me of our mutual friends passing the night before from an accidental overdose. I haven’t had the time to even process everything. One thing after another. It’s all too painful. I’ve sat at work just staring out the window acknowledging how unfair this all is. Each one of these tragedies is too much to handle. My friend that overdosed was clean for a year and doing so well and just in a weak moment, all those years of getting himself clean are over. His son no longer has a father. My other friend is losing his wife before his eyes. Too many families losing their loved ones.

After talking to my dad and telling him how negative I was feeling, I mentioned to him how hard it is to go about life and trying to enjoy it when you know that in a blink of an eye, it can be over for anyone of us. He reminded me that is why we have to appreciate  and enjoy it. You can’t let the anxiety of knowing it could end tomorrow change that, but that we need to appreciate our relationships and really hold on to our experiences differently then we would have not realizing how fragile life is.

My divorce has really messed me up. It still hurts today just as much as it did a couple of years ago. I am accepting of it more, but still replay what I could have done different over and over in my head. Sometimes I forget that it is not normal to be cheated on repetitively throughout your marriage. I keep thinking that if I wouldn’t have made my mistakes that we could have still been together, and I have to mentally hit myself upside the head and remind myself that even if I would have done what I did to hurt the end of our marriage, that no healthy relationship has affair after affair and not be terribly affected by it. It’s not normal to be told of a new girlfriend your husband has had year after year. But as long as he is sorry, then I guess I can move on right? I kept thinking if I worked harder at being a wife, it would get better. It didn’t. But I stayed with him over and over again, stayed faithful until I became the wife I never wanted to be. Funny how life works eh?

So like I said above, there has been a lot of sadness surrounding me lately. As I step out of my body emotionally and look back at myself I am reminded at how important life is. I may have lost my marriage, but I didn’t lose my relationship with myself nor my kids. In fact, I am getting closer to both myself and my kids more than I think was ever possible before. When you are in a toxic relationship, it’s impossible to appreciate and love yourself and the other relationships close to you. So the pain is still there, but I am having a field day with being reminded of what is important with the life that I still do have and the blessings that are looking back at me daily.

xoxo

gears have shifted

I haven’t spent much time blogging lately. I don’t know if it’s that life has just been busy and I’ve got caught up with that, or if I have purposely just stayed away or maybe a little of both. It seems like after getting divorced and going through a really challenging time, I started to make my way back up in life and there was a sense of a natural high that I was on. Life felt good. My hair was growing back, my kids and I were closer than ever, I was sober, my divorce and custody battle was behind me, I had a great job, have a great place to live, and it was my time to start voicing  it. Life has not changed for me, all of those things are still there and going great, but it’s almost as if the natural high is not as high, so to speak. As Summer of 2016 came to an end, it seemed as if so did the adrenaline of my new life. I am still moving forward and in a positive direction, but the only way I can describe it is as if I am in my new car driving and the gears shifted down a gear, just a changed a little bit. I am tired, and I know this is how life goes for everyone. It’s important that we all acknowledge it, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me, but sometimes we have to push a little harder to stay afloat.

With the leaves falling on the ground and we start wearing sweaters and our cute boots, school is in session, and we have the stress of homework, and the sun goes down earlier in the day, things seem to be changing within me. I haven’t been working out at the gym at lunch like I was, I am having the desire to take a nap after work rather than have a fun activity to do with the kids. I finally agreed to my first real date this week. I’ve been putting this guy off for months and finally forced myself to go meet him for coffee. I didn’t really think much of it until the morning of. I started feeling nervous and thinking about what the conversation would be like and how awkward it would be right at first. I never remembering feeling this way years ago when I was single. Boy things change. He seemed to be really nice, but he talked a lot about his animosity for the church we grew up in and that to me was kind of a red flag in a way because it was almost a little obsessive. He talked a lot about his past dates, which made me realize he is a damn pro at this, when I am close to being a virgin! lol. After the date was finished, I walked to my car thinking “yessss, I did it. I officially dipped my toe in the ocean of dating.” But soon after my happiness flatlined and I was on a phone call with a friend and I told her of my date, after telling her the guys name, she told me she had been out with him a few years ago and that all he cared about was getting her into bed and she would hope I would never go out with him again. So, after that I’ve not known what to think. Why can’t dating be easier? Why can’t I just easily run into an old friend that is newly divorced and fall in love and that’s that? I am dreading keeping this up. I honestly keep looking around at all the couples around me and think, “how did they do this? I am so envious that they found one another.”

For now, I need to count my blessings that I might still be single and life seems to have shifted a gear or two, I am still heading in the right direction and I have my two best friends a long for the ride. Even if I do  pull over and nap along the way:)

 

Shifting Gears
A woman with her hand on the shifter in a modern car. Fisheye lens used for exaggerated perspective.

xoxo

rise

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When I heard this song, I immediately received chills and it hit me to my core. Every word spoke to me.

“Rise”

I won’t just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can’t write my story
I’m beyond the archetype

I won’t just conform
No matter how you shake my core
‘Cause my roots they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I’ll fight it, I’ll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

‘Cause when, when the fire’s at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They’re whispering, “You’re out of time”
But still I rise

This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in
Think again
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

Don’t doubt it, don’t doubt it
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don’t be surprised
I will still rise

No matter who you are or what you are going through, you can do so much more than survive. Prove to yourself and everyone else out there that you can thrive. I know in my life, I felt like I was succeeding if I survived and yes, I thank the good Lord that I survived through some of the hardest darkest times in my life, but until this year I didn’t know what thriving was.  I can type in this post and honestly say that I have learned what is and what it feels like to thrive. I am doing more than living. I am being pro-active in living. I am laughing. I am holding these kids tighter. I am choosing to enjoy life regardless of the realities that still are there that hurt and bring pain. My life is far from perfect. I have worries financially, emotionally, and physically. But I am purposely choosing every day to do more than live but press through the hardships and truly enjoy my life and my kids.  I am trying so hard to not stay in the regret that I have from the years that I hurt no only my family but myself from the mistakes I made. I hate that I didn’t enjoy the kids when they were smaller like I am now. But thank God that I pulled back the reigns on how fast life was moving and how I was distracted and purposely trying to distract and numb myself because my every day life was too painful to feel. I took control rather than giving my control away to my addiction, to my ex husband, to my eating disorder, and to all the people in my life that judged me, and all my inadequacies and guilt. I am not getting any younger, my kids are growing like weeds. I can’t take those years back. But all I can do is begin today. Fight like hell to do it differently. It’s my time. I won’t just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive.
XoXo

obliterate

ob·lit·er·ate

əˈblidəˌrāt/
verb
  1. destroy utterly; wipe out.

This weekend was supposed to be full of fun events and spent with family coming from out of town. Instead I spent most of it physically there with them, but emotionally in a deep dark hole somewhere in the ground. The pain was just too much to take this time. I’ve been divorced for quite a while but the words that came out of his mouth hasn’t been this deadly since our divorce started. His narcissism always comes out to play in ways when we co-parent our kids, but hasn’t been directed at me in a very long time.

To give you a sweet and short back story, what sent him off was when he sent me a message saying that one of my family members that was coming from out of town “creeped him out” and wanted me to make sure our kids stay away from him. Now I can respect his feelings, but he can’t control what I do with our kids during my time. I told him that I appreciate and respect his concerns, but I’ve never thought of this family member that way but I always keep an eye on our children and they are never with anyone alone. After that, I started receiving message after message demeaning everything about me. When he talks about Brayden and Danielle, they are my niece and nephew that my mom and dad basically raised because my sister got divorced and wasn’t in a very good place during those years while the kids were small. When I went through my addiction during our divorce, I have always admitted I wasn’t in a good place and I dated a man that wasn’t good for me or good for my children. I never cheated on my husband with him, but my ex can’t fathom that I left him because he had cheated on me multiple times and his actions made me lose who I was. I don’t blame him for everything, God only knows I am far from perfect, but those things hurt me and made me not want to continue to move forward in our marriage. I felt like I didn’t have any other choice. I stayed for 10 years through too many girlfriends he had on the side, and the emotional abuse had taken it’s toll. I had my faults that definitely didn’t help our marriage, but let’s just say I didn’t cheat on him nor did I abuse him. While we were married, he wanted me to be a stay at home mom, during that time I started my own boutique, worked as a marketing assistant to many companies, etc..  but with him, it was never good enough. I was never good enough. Since I got clean and sober in November of 2014, I continue to spend all of my energy on my relationship with my kids. I completely became the mother my kids deserve to have. When I was married, I always thought I was a good mom, but until I went through all of the crap I have, I realized how distracted I was from them-  from my marriage, social media, and basically trying to keep up with all the mothers in the neighborhood. When I got clean, I gave them all of me. They are my happy place. We do everything together. We are best friends, but I always try to be their mother first. My ex has always been a good dad, but I always felt it was out of show. I believe he absolutely loves our children, but he loves himself more. Especially during our divorce, he fought for them in court, but the minute he got 50/50 custody, things started to change. He started drinking and going out with friends even during his time with the kids. I have always picked up his slack.. not for him, but for my kids because I want to be with them. But I hate helping him out. He has completely ignored our divorce decree and had his girlfriends sleep over while the kids are in his home. I’ve always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and honestly I hate contention, which he uses to his advantage. The kids cry almost every single time they know it’s time to go to dad’s house. He has broken up with his girlfriend 10 times and there is no consistency for them. Which is one of the huge reasons I don’t date yet, he dates enough for both of us:) I apologize, this “short and sweet” back story has turned into a novel. To get to the point.. below are the messages I received on Saturday night as I was driving to my family event (caution: many typos and cussing.  He must have been drinking):

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As you notice, I do not respond. Within the hour of the abuse, he turns around and asks for the kids and I to come out to a game that he is at. It blows my mind that he thinks that I would even consider it. But then again this is a narcissist for you. I continue to not respond and I get message after message at night and during the next day, till I finally let him know the kids are great. Later after I wrote that he said, “good to know.” I always go back and forth on what to say to him, but I have learned for 14-15 years that no matter what I say, he will come back with 10 responses. It doesn’t matter what I respond with. I have to remind myself, I am not dealing with an emotionally healthy person. I can’t have a normal conversation with this man, which is ultimately why we aren’t married today.

During all of this time, I receive an email from his on and off again girlfriend that he cheated on me with. I can never tell her angle or what her reasoning is for reaching out to me is. She basically tells me that they broke up and she is sorry for coming in and out of the kids lives again and she loses herself every time she is with my ex. I completely ignore it. It’s all just a little much and I don’t want to get involved, nor should I have to.

After this, I am sitting watching my niece take this lady on a tour of her home (we had a huge family/friend get together for my nephew that is going away for 2 years on an LDS mission) and as she is pointing out people in the family picture, I hear her say “This is my aunt (she is talking about me), she doesn’t look like this anymore because she has lost her hair and it’s just growing back in.” Almost as if she is explaining why I am not as pretty as I used to be. Which was hard enough to hear, but during the time I am thinking “why the hell is she even saying this or explaining anything to this woman I don’t even know?” and the lady responds to her, “oh from drugs??” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Who told her that? Why is she talking about me and knows anything about my ugly past? I wanted to stop her there and say “Just so you know, that’s me and I am proud of where I am today. I might not look like that anymore, but I am healthier now more than I ever was that picture” But instead I sheepishly turned away and walked in another room as my tears started streaming down my face. I felt violated and completely broken down. I couldn’t take the judgement, the ignorance, the abuse any longer. It was a big reminder that I am flawed, I have made many mistakes, and I have had to pay for them. But I don’t want to not be known for that. When my ex said that everyone looks at me and says, “what the hell happened to her?” that was like a stab to the heart. Everyone wants to feel like their ex misses them and thinks they are beautiful. I don’t feel beautiful, I know I look different, but I am overcoming so much and I am trying to get myself back. I feel like I am getting there but then this events happen and it shoves me back down on the ground. I start to walk tall, and then thrown back on my hands and knees. God, why now??? You know how hard I am trying. You know how much I’ve changed.  Ultimately, I know the answer. I know that I need to keep getting back up, brush off the hate, and remind myself of the ignorance of these people. The insecurities that my ex has for saying such awful things. But does it make me feel any better? Not really. It hurts. I tossed and turned most of the night emotionally distraught. I don’t want to give away any more of my power or give him or anyone else any more tears.

I guess the moral of this post is this, we all have the ignorant, judgmental, and/or narcissistic people in our lives that probably cheer every time we fall. Or actually are the ones that push us to the ground. But how many times are we going to stay down and keep our heads facing the pavement? It might feel impossible and we might ask ourselves, what’s the point of getting back up, we are just going to end up back down facing the ground.. But the way I view it is this, when you do fall down again, you are not in the same spot you were when you fell previously, you have walked or even crawled another lap before you fell. You are that much farther in this “marathon” of life. Keep moving, don’t stay down. Do not stay defeated. One day, we will look back and see how far we really have come. We will be able to look back and see where we first started and during all of the hell and hard times, that we continued moving, no matter how slow or defeated we felt and where we ended up.

From the wise words of Dory in Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”

XoXo

hello, my name is doris

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Have any of you seen this movie? Last night after my kids went with their dad, I rented it on Amazon and sat down with my cheese and crackers and thought I would just get some useless entertainment. By the end, I had an extra shot of anxiety pulsing through all my veins.

Let me explain. Doris is an older adorable lady played by Sally Field. She has spent most of her life taking care of her mother, never getting out and really living a life of her own, just to find herself with a crush on a younger man in her office. She starts getting out of her comfort zone by becoming friends with him and his friends. She takes every little nice comment he says to her as a come on, while they look at her almost like an art piece.

When I was going through my divorce, I started seeing a man. As I look back, it was a very toxic relationship because I was deep into my addiction and he was the source that fed it. However, during the course of our almost 2 year relationship, I thought I truly loved him. I felt a sense of intimacy that I had been truly lacking for years in my marriage. We both were addicts and it gave us a bond that was awful and ugly, but very real. We always talked about staying together and getting healthy. I think we both wanted that ultimately, but I was stupid and naive. Now that I have got myself out of this black hole that I was in, that wasn’t really living at all. He gave me what I wanted at the time. He took away my pain or covered it up and kept me distracted as I went through the most difficult time in my life. There was no way in hell I could have ever gone through with the divorce if I wasn’t completely numb. I know that is super unhealthy to say, but I believe it to be true. I tried for 12 years. I really wish I could have, I wouldn’t have had to go through hell on earth detour and maybe, I would be in a much different place today if I would have done things differently. But I am here today, sober, away from the every day abuse, standing on my own two feet, alive, healthy, and thriving, with a lot of life’s lessons stored throughout my body. So onto where I was going with this.. After I got away from my boyfriend and got sober, I haven’t been with anyone else. I have really learned to live alone with my kids. I haven’t had an ounce of intimacy. I haven’t even had interest in anyone specific. And throughout this time my fear has grown bigger and bigger into getting comfortable with my life and being too apprehensive or picky or whatever the case may be to ever be with anyone else. I have watched so many people get married, divorced, start dating, find love again, and get re-married and I am still in the same place. I’ve tried telling myself that this is my time to get healthy and give my kids everything I got, and I believe that to be true, but what if it’s also just an excuse cause I don’t know how to look myself in the mirror and say “no one wants me.”?

I have played around with online dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble. I do them because I have no commitment to anyone, I can just “see” what’s out there. With Tinder, I only put my pictures from 5 years ago where my hair was long and beautiful, I was thinner, life was very different for me then. There is hardly ever a time with Tinder that if I swipe right (meaning I am interested in their profile and pic, that they don’t match up with me (meaning they are interested in me back). But with Bumble I threw in more recent pictures, as hard as it was. I felt like I wasn’t being honest with the person I am today, which is why I felt it was time to be more honest. I only get 10% matches. This is very hard for me to admit to. They aren’t interested in the new me. My hair is short and growing out after losing it with my health scares, and I don’t feel like I used to. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. It hurts so bad and takes the self-esteem that I’ve been slowly back building and it bulldozes it back down to nothing. I have to be honest, I am not used to having interest from other men. So every time this happens, I am reminded of my fear and how I might be stuck alone forever. Maybe I am not what other men want and especially the single men. I am not a spring chicken anymore. Things are changing for me every day. And I am dealing with all these new emotions while being sober. It’s challenging cause the pain is real and it hits deep. I even found myself missing my ex husband and ex boyfriend. This is something I don’t want to feel.

So yes, this movie was entertaining, but it scared the living hell out of me. I can honestly say, I sometimes feel like I am the Doris in my life right now. The men that used to find me attractive and give me attention, do not anymore. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and find myself very lonely, comfortable, and not ready to put myself out there and watching others live their lives, like I am doing currently. I keep telling myself AGE AND STAGE. I am just at a different stage in life and that will change. Am I lying to myself?

XoXo