change is in the air

Well a few weeks ago, I was walking into the week with a smile on my face, not knowing what was about to happen. Out of the blue I get a message from J asking if I had insurance at my work and how much it was to get the kids on it. I tried to not alert myself, but soon after he told me to start preparing my budget for his payments to change because he was going to be quitting his job. This guy has it good where he is. He makes over a $110k and a ton of perks. He is trying to blame me for his reason for quitting. Years ago when we were in the middle of our divorce, he and B were caught in their affair at work (yes they both work together at this company) and B’s husband at the time got in touch with me and asked me some questions. Soon after, B’s husband started a lawsuit with the company and used some of the information he got from me. At the time, I was just being honest about what had happened to my knowledge and what he did with it had nothing to do with me. Since then, he has continued to blame me for his problematic reputation at work. Years ago he was able to manipulate everyone and was grooming so many women. He was able to keep his job, but anytime someone catches on to who he “really is” he looks into the possibility of quitting.  And let me remind you, he and B broke up again, so I am sure this is another big reason he is leaving.. So last week he cornered me at our daughters birthday party and said that he couldn’t stay at that job any longer and I needed to prepare for it. I immediately freaked and started asking everyone around me if he can just stop paying me. I got so many different responses. I was able to ask an attorney and he basically said that he can’t just stop paying me. I mean, technically he can, but he would have to fill out some modification papers. The court more than likely goes off of what he is capable of earning, so it shouldn’t shift too much. But yes, I am very worried about my life, cause I know people tell me that I shouldn’t rely on child support and alimony to survive but unfortunately I have had to. I work full time, and don’t make great money but I have been hoping to work up the ladder and possibly go back to school when the time was right and also have the flexibility to be the mom I need to be, being so close to their school, working from home if needed, etc..  I haven’t wanted to argue with J, so I’ve just let him say what he wants and hoped that when the time came for him to quit, that he looks into everything  beforehand. I do not have the money to go back to court and get an attorney right now. I don’t understand why this man would go quit his job before he had something else lined up. At first he said he was going to start a business, but now he said he isn’t sure if that is going to work out. He told me that I need to get the kids into doctors now before it was too late with their insurance.

So with the added pressure financially, I worked up the nerve to go talk to my boss about the possibility of getting a raise to my income. Not just because of my personally situation. In fact, not because of it.. but because I’ve worked hard and started new responsibilities recently. I felt like he completely scooted around the issue and said that they don’t normally change the pay right away with new responsibilities and they want to see how I do in this new role for 60-90 days. In the middle of all of that, he at one point said “well you would need to tell me what exactly you need..” but then never circled back to it. So I walked out of that room confused and discouraged. So since then, I’ve come to work every day pissed off and hating my job and looking for new work. But as I look for new work, I am reminded how it wouldn’t be good timing to change jobs if J is and the kids will need my benefits (even if the premium will triple).

So since the reality of all of this, life has felt like shit. I have a pit in my stomach and thinking about how I am going to survive is on my mind every single part of the day and the night. I am not sleeping. I am hating myself for not having the schooling and feeling like a failure right now. What am I doing? I hate relying on anyone. J’s attitude towards everything is that he has sacrificed staying at this job working his ass off for years now and I shouldn’t be able to just live off of him, and that I am cheating my kids every single day that I work at a shit job, and that if I have to get a 2nd job to support myself then it’ll be fine since he will be home more now.

Welcome to my world of being an ex wife to a complete narcissist.

xoxo

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10 thoughts on “change is in the air

  1. It is unbelievable what these men are willing to do. I watch what my ex does and know, with no doubt, I would never stoop to the levels he’s gone. I hope there is such a thing as Karma, because these guys deserve a major shit storm.

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    1. I agree with you whole heartedly! It certainly seems that more asshole he becomes, the easier life becomes for him. Clearly don’t understand it. I just keep hoping eventually everything will work itself out the way it should. Thank you for your support. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. If you should happen to read back through your previous blog postings and the comments that you received from each, you should notice a common theme reoccurring:
    Your ex continues to contact you directly and to control you to fit his wishes.
    Your ex still does not contact you strictly through your lawyer (or at least some, perhaps cheaper, legal advocate person who can represent you when/as needed).
    Your ex, by his trying to put an ongoing “guilt trip” on you royally screws up your mood (about yourself, and now about your job, whatever)
    You continue to believe as true everything that your ex tells you.

    Now reread the comments to see what has previously been suggested:
    Don’t deal with your ex
    Don’t believe in what your ex tells you
    Use qualified others (a legal rep,, others in your family perhaps) to deal with him. They can say no to him better than you can.

    How are you sure that he will quit his job? Since you say that he broke up with B then that tells me that he has one less “meal ticket” to support him. Look, the guy still has to eat, pay some bills, etc. I doubt he’d quit a $110K job – at least not before finding some other source of income. Easier said than done. You said yourself that the guy is a master manipulator and has been doing it to you and others for years – and he still is. Like Trump, he is incapable of change – he still “lies like a rug” and likes to control others.

    Your boss is being fair – most places like to see if a just newly promoted person can actually handle new responsibilities (and how effectively) before deciding if that person deserves the raise – and more importantly, how much of a raise. But this takes time and you just have to be a bit patient. Do NOT quit your job! A big mistake. You wouldn’t feel bad about your job if you hadn’t heard this recent BS from your ex – right? Not to mention that in trying to get some other job, you might not find anything better nor get any good reference letter from the employer that you’ve just left (after quitting just after asking them so soon for a raise – doesn’t give a good image to another employer).

    Listen to what that attorney told you – your ex can NOT just stop paying you. Full stop.
    It’s a poker game and your ex is trying to bluff you (like he’s done before and probably mostly always succeeded). The clown is not going to quit a job and forego the $110K + perks salary. Trust me.

    You really must try to steer clear of direct contact with him. Others need to deal with him on your behalf. If you don’t then I’m afraid this cycle will repeat itself over and over into the future – today it’s about insurance benefits, tomorrow it’ll be about some other monetary issue that he’ll try to drop on you. Think it out and don’t act alone on what you decide to do. Play it smart not emotional.

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    1. Rob, everything you say is 100% right on. I truly believe it. I am sure you want to smack me over the head and just say “you deserve what you are getting since you aren’t doing anything to change it.” or “you know better and you continue to allow it.” This is where normally, a full list of excuses comes out where some are legitimate issues but others are cop outs because I am too weak as a human being to do what is necessary. The one big issue I have is the money to get an attorney, especially one to go between J and I. Honestly, that would be so amazing if I could. My stress would go down a so much. This sounds completely crazy, especially after knowing my circumstances and what the experiences have been.. but there is this desire and wish for J and I to be able to be great coparents and be able to work through stuff together amicably. When you have 50/50 custody, it’s hard to go a day without needing to discuss something. Like you said, if it’s not insurance today, it will be something else tomorrow. That is 100% true. One thing, I’ve told him is that I will not meet with him one on one.. because I know how what he does when he has me alone. He did what he did at my daughters birthday party. I am trying to get tougher and less emotional. And truthfully, it has helped. It’s not even an act like it used to be. It feels very different. As far as him quitting, I truly hope he is bluffing. I am unsure why he would be bluffing, but man I don’t see what is going through his head to leave a job, but he has told me how unhappy he is there for a while now. And I know it’s because the employees and employer have started seeing through him and he can’t keep up the act. On top of having to work with B. He mentioned that he might be starting a company… so I honestly don’t know what to believe. I guess all I can do is take one day at a time. I’ve been ignoring his messages unless it is something that is directly dealing with an issue that needs handling. Everything you say, is something I would say to a friend. So I absolutely get it. I either have to get stronger and have boundaries with him, get an attorney or someone that can be the in-between so there is no contact, or I will continue through the same cycle. Rob, you are a very bright human being and I know I am frustrating. My writings on my blog are very intimate and stuff I normally wouldn’t just let out , so what responses I get I value. I am also humiliated I haven’t been stronger and have allowed the same shit for so long. So thank you for the time you give me out of your day by responding, it really is something I truly do not take for granted.
      xoxo

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      1. Please don’t feel that your are frustrating to me or to your other readers here because you are not. We know that you are going through tough times. I think actually you need to take another approach to things. I understand that you are financially limited and that you are trying to seek advice through your friends as well as on this blog. I would suggest that you need to investigate what social services, church groups, women’s groups, etc. are out there that might be able to help you. Obviously there are other women that are in your position and who need assistance such as you do, as well as also being of limited means. Do a little online research, ask your friends, check out YWCA groups, women’s shelter groups, etc. and tell them your story (as briefly as you wish) and ask for their advice and perhaps they may be able to help you cope better. Perhaps some free legal advice is available. My online help to you here is obviously very limited. You need some real life help from people who have dealt with these issues and know what’s the most effective approach to take. If you aren’t able to seek help from your family and/or close friends (for whatever reasons) then at least do this research quietly on your own. And be persistent, it may take time to find the right answers and aid that you need. At least you will be taking steps to help yourself and you will feel much better in doing that much, I think.

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  3. I’m so sorry. You know I’m sitting in that same boat with you. It sucks.

    I’m going to agree with Rob though. Your ex knows exactly what he’s doing. He fully expects you to do whatever he says. Please, for your own sanity, go no contact. Direct him to your attorney, even if you’re only bluffing.

    Good luck!

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  4. I think you need to give up on the pie in the sky idea that you will ever be able to have a good co-parenting relationship with a narcissist – never happen. Face facts he’s not honorable, he’s not ethical, and he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. So, just do what is best for you and your kids and parallel parent and communicate ONLY via email and honestly the family wizard would be best or even have a trusted friend/relative read his emails first (and let him know that in advance lol) and they can take out all the bullshit before you even read it lol another blogger posted this pic and I loved it

    https://separationtears.files.wordpress.com/2017/04/my-rules.png?w=768&h=547

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  5. I think you are RIGHT ON. My parents keep saying “get this out of your head that you and him will have this great coparenting relationship.. it will never happen!” And it’s like I know that, but then again keep hoping for it. I LOVE this link. Thank you.. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree with everything Rob has been telling you. I also agree with Spaghetti Sam’s advice to you. Stop allowing your ex to pull your strings. You are stronger than you think, you just need to believe it.

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