gears have shifted

I haven’t spent much time blogging lately. I don’t know if it’s that life has just been busy and I’ve got caught up with that, or if I have purposely just stayed away or maybe a little of both. It seems like after getting divorced and going through a really challenging time, I started to make my way back up in life and there was a sense of a natural high that I was on. Life felt good. My hair was growing back, my kids and I were closer than ever, I was sober, my divorce and custody battle was behind me, I had a great job, have a great place to live, and it was my time to start voicing  it. Life has not changed for me, all of those things are still there and going great, but it’s almost as if the natural high is not as high, so to speak. As Summer of 2016 came to an end, it seemed as if so did the adrenaline of my new life. I am still moving forward and in a positive direction, but the only way I can describe it is as if I am in my new car driving and the gears shifted down a gear, just a changed a little bit. I am tired, and I know this is how life goes for everyone. It’s important that we all acknowledge it, doesn’t mean anything is wrong with me, but sometimes we have to push a little harder to stay afloat.

With the leaves falling on the ground and we start wearing sweaters and our cute boots, school is in session, and we have the stress of homework, and the sun goes down earlier in the day, things seem to be changing within me. I haven’t been working out at the gym at lunch like I was, I am having the desire to take a nap after work rather than have a fun activity to do with the kids. I finally agreed to my first real date this week. I’ve been putting this guy off for months and finally forced myself to go meet him for coffee. I didn’t really think much of it until the morning of. I started feeling nervous and thinking about what the conversation would be like and how awkward it would be right at first. I never remembering feeling this way years ago when I was single. Boy things change. He seemed to be really nice, but he talked a lot about his animosity for the church we grew up in and that to me was kind of a red flag in a way because it was almost a little obsessive. He talked a lot about his past dates, which made me realize he is a damn pro at this, when I am close to being a virgin! lol. After the date was finished, I walked to my car thinking “yessss, I did it. I officially dipped my toe in the ocean of dating.” But soon after my happiness flatlined and I was on a phone call with a friend and I told her of my date, after telling her the guys name, she told me she had been out with him a few years ago and that all he cared about was getting her into bed and she would hope I would never go out with him again. So, after that I’ve not known what to think. Why can’t dating be easier? Why can’t I just easily run into an old friend that is newly divorced and fall in love and that’s that? I am dreading keeping this up. I honestly keep looking around at all the couples around me and think, “how did they do this? I am so envious that they found one another.”

For now, I need to count my blessings that I might still be single and life seems to have shifted a gear or two, I am still heading in the right direction and I have my two best friends a long for the ride. Even if I do  pull over and nap along the way:)

 

A woman with her hand on the shifter in a modern car. Fisheye lens used for exaggerated perspective.

xoxo