light switch

I have really been struggling with my self esteem. For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with loving who I am, just the way I am. That’s completely foreign to me. When people say that, I am like…. “Huhhhhh? what’s that? How does that work?” It never came easy for me. Honestly, I don’t think it comes easy for anyone but I think people do it and they find a way to nurture themselves and love who they are, regardless how they look on the outside. I grew up in a home where beauty was prominent. But you weren’t beautiful unless you were thin. So being thin was even more important than being beautiful. I have two older sisters that are very beautiful to the eye. They are definitely head turners. They were both in pageants and were in Miss America and Miss USA and did very well. Wherever we go, they are stared at and it’s what our family knows. That’s the norm. My mother is very beautiful. She has an identical twin which means, she too is very beautiful. Beauty, beauty, beauty. My cousins are very stunning. They are all VERY THIN hence the beauty part. You can’t be beautiful without being thin. Did I mention that? No one has really had a weight problem, only because they have made SURE to never have a weight problem. They did what had to be done.. My mother had me 15-16 years after having them and I have a different father than them. So our genetic make up is different from the get go. They are platinum blondes and naturally thin. I have a darker complexion, and a my frame is definitely not the same. I have always been more muscular. I too have always been a dancer, cheerleader, and gymnast. So again, doing those things in my extra time, also focused on the weight situation.  I was never abused and told how ugly I was. I want to make sure that is known. I always had very loving parents. They always supported me in everything I did. However, I also saw what was important to my family. I thought it was normal until I started seeing other families and getting to know my friends. I was a cheerleader in junior high and I remember clear as day, that my mom would start hiding the butter. She even helped me do the cabbage soup diet when I was in 8th grade. At one point, she told me she would buy me something if I lost 5 pounds. She will never admit that she did that, but I could never forget it. I compared myself to EVERYONE. My friends were stick thin and my legs were bigger than theirs. It rocked my world. I didn’t understand why my body didn’t look like it used to and why it was changing and why I didn’t have skinny legs just like my friends and just like my sisters. I would go with my friends and they would eat anything they wanted. I would eat with them but immediately feel guilty.. it would consume me that I couldn’t even enjoy what was going on because I knew I had food in my stomach that was going to make me fat or gain weight. So I would go in the bathroom and try making myself vomit. I knew my sisters had also had bulimia, so maybe if I did it, I would look like them and then I also wouldn’t feel guilty every time I ate cause I couldn’t control myself from eating anything that are labeled as “bad”.. I eventually got to the point where it was easier. At that point, my innocence was taken away. I remember vividly being at a birthday party and eating cake and whatever else they have at birthday parties, and as a young girl I was tucked away in the bathroom with the tap water running and the fan on, trying to get every little piece up and out of my stomach so I could go and enjoy the rest of the party. That breaks my heart for the little me that was in there missing out on all the games the other kids were playing. I look at other 8th graders now and think there is no way I can imagine one of those little kids being that worried about weight that she would be doing such harmful things to herself.  How could my mom not know? She had to of known. At one point, I told her.  It was a cry for help. I don’t remember her ever being worried or surprised. I just remember being taken to a therapist one time for it. Besides that, it wasn’t talked about.

In high school, I still struggled with bulimia. I didn’t have enough self control to not eat, which is why I couldn’t be anorexic. I tried, believe me. I would go on chat rooms and forums with other people dealing with the same issues. It wasn’t to help me over come it, it was to feed the addiction. To get ideas. I counted calories, then would accidentally eat something that wasn’t allowed, and the minute I did that, I would just give in and eat whatever and then spend the next hour in the bathroom. What a disgusting and vicious cycle. I was jealous of anorexics. They had willpower. They could literally control themselves. Now looking back, it was the opposite of control in a way. But then and even now, I still wish I had the self control to not eat. My face was always round, but it got even more puffy and swollen with throwing up. I never felt like I got thin from throwing up. It became more about throwing up just because I couldn’t handle the feeling of feeling like I had food in my stomach. The guilt was far too great. I can’t sit and have conversations. I can’t just sit with myself feeling that feeling. I got to the point where I didn’t have to try very hard, I could just lean over and throw it all up. One memory in particular was in class they handed out donuts. After I ate the donut, I was mortified. I always heard of people using ipecac syrup and thought I would try it out. But nothing immediately happened.. my dad then asked me to go to lunch and as we were there, it took full effect and I was running to the bathroom vomiting everywhere. How humiliating for me. But no one ever said anything in my family.  I was on the drill team and I remember having a big performance and I had to wear full on spandex from neck to toe. I remember very clearly my mom making disgusting looks my way. I was not stupid. I would watch her look me up and down. I had never felt so shameful. If my mom would tell me how good I looked, I knew that I really looked good and I would have a good night. If my mom looked at me and didn’t say anything, I would know she was not happy with how I looked. It got to the point where depending on my mom’s response, I would be able to feel good about myself that night. How fucked up is that?

Years passed and it was still something very prominent in my life. But I started partying and dabeling into the party drugs. I moved out with my best friend and I didn’t see my mom as much. The pressure was always there, but it lifted a bit when I moved out. As I was getting unhealthy with drugs and alcohol, I noticed my weight come down drastically. Funny how that happens. It just made my unhealthy lifestyle worse and condoned it. I started hearing so many compliments on how pretty I was and how good I looked. Just what I have always wanted. Yet the vomiting was still a thing. I still was uncomfortable with having calories in my stomach. I just didn’t obsess about it as much. I didn’t count my calories. It was such a relief.

As time went on and I matured, I became less friendly with the bathroom floor and the toilet. I still would visit it from time to time, but I became a mom and I tried really hard to stop thinking about myself and more about them. I wanted a change. I look back at pictures and I looked so good, but I could see my sad eyes. My soul was miserable. It really didn’t help that my husband was looking at pornography behind my back and having affairs. That always was a big reminder that I was not enough. My husband would always tell me how beautiful I was. He never ever said anything but that I was perfect the way I was. But actions spoke louder than words. I had seen the effects that bulimia had caused physically not just emotionally. I had developed ulcers in my stomach. It was brutal. My teeth were very sensitive and thin and still are today.

As you know, my divorce hit and all hell broke lose. The addict in me came out full force. I couldn’t handle my feelings of inadequacy any longer. I couldn’t handle actually losing what I had worked so hard for, for 10 + years. I did things I never thought I would ever do. At the time, I didn’t see the future. I just did what I had to in order to numb what I was feeling at the time. For 2 years, I messed my life up horribly. I got down to 100 pounds but that wasn’t the focus any more. Staying away from withdrawal was my only focus. I even had my attorney tell me that I needed to wear 3 pairs of pants to court, so I didn’t look so stick thin.

I finally was able to kick the habit after many times of trial and error. After living hell every day for 2 years. But unfortunately, I made the decision to get on methadone. At the time, I didn’t look at the negative effects. I didn’t think about how hard it would be to get off of it. I just wanted to survive and live a normal life. So here I am 2.5 years clean, and 30 pounds heavier than my normal weight. I’ve questioned what is better, to be a full addict and thin or to be completely clean and heavy. How sad is that? I had no idea that methadone would cause so much weight gain. I thought it was just me not doing enough and my metabolism shot from all the hell I put my body through. But the past few months, I have worked out almost every day and ate extremely clean. I have never worked SO hard to lose weight. I have not seen ONE pound come off. I am starting to feel obsessed again. I have never been this insecure. I hide in huge clothes. I will purposely look down when I walk passed a reflection or mirror. When pictures are being taken, I will dread it and try to walk away.. or I will only take a pic if I can take it myself through an amazing filter and even then, it’s very iffy. Being around my family is extremely difficult. I want to die. My niece was usually known for being kinda bigger. I wasn’t alone. Well recently, she’s lost all of her weight and has completely turned into one of those girls that constantly is taking selfies and getting a ton of a attention. Her and my sisters are still head turners. I am completely opposite of them. When I run into people that used to know me, I can see them not recognizing me or wondering “what happened to her?” In fact, when J has ended up going off on me and we argue, I will never forget the words out of his mouth “everyone wonders what happened to you… you don’t look anything like you used to. Everyone feels sorry for you.”

So now the back story has been explained. My mom has been extremely “supportive” by paying for my gym membership and also my meal planning that I am getting. She doesn’t really have a ton of money, but she finds a way to help me. I know that she is trying her damnedest to be helpful. But knowing what I’ve been through with her, it’s also hard cause I know that she’s doing it cause she wants me to be thin.. and what she says is she wants me happy. Which yes, I want to be happy too. I don’t want to look like this. So long story short, I don’t think she realizes she knows what she is doing and that it hurts me. The other day I ended up crying to my parents about how discouraging it is to work this hard and sacrifice this much and not see any change. I also explained how I am stuck between a rock and hard place with being on methadone. I know that it is the main culprit and methadone is not something you can just come off of. You have to be smart about it. So I am on a weaning program of 2 mg a week. That’s the best I can do and the fastest I can wean being responsible and having my sobriety as the upmost importance. Anyway, the next day, I felt like there was some hope with my mom. She had text me saying “I am really sad and angry knowing how you’ve always felt about yourself. I love you and want you happy.” There was a sense of relief in that text. I kid you not, an hour later I saw a missed call from her. I saw a voicemail was there. I went to listen to it and realized the voicemail was an accident and she was having a conversation with my dad in the car and she had no idea she had called me. These are some of the things I heard her say.. “she is very heavy. She has let herself go. What does she expect, to lose all the weight that fast? She has to stop opening her mouth to any and everything. I am sick of hearing how unhappy she is. She needs to start running and doing what it takes and stop blaming her medication on her weight. This isn’t going to change over night. She has become a big girl.”  Typing this out has me in utter disbelief and so much shame. Now am I surprised that she feels that way? Not really. To hear her say it like that, was extremely hurtful. To hear the person that gave birth to you talk about you in that way is something I can’t describe. I already am so hard on myself. I just wish I had nothing but love from her. Not judgement. It was as if the little bit of soul I had left was completely crushed.

I text her and let her know I heard her talking about me and as much as I appreciate all that she has done, that I need to take some time to work on myself without knowing how she feels about me effecting my progress or journey. She immediately started writing me and calling me about how sorry she was and how much she just wants my happiness. She said she cried the whole night knowing that I heard her talking about me. But it doesn’t change the pain that is there.

I don’t know how to just turn this all around. I know that self esteem should come from within and because I haven’t been able to figure this all out is why I have dealt with addiction and depression. I can read all the self help books in the world, but how do I change what has been pressed inside of me since I was little? I don’t want to be that mom that is just worried about how she looks, because I want to say I have more depth to me than that, but do I? Obviously not. How am I going to change this for my daughter? It obviously is too late for me and my happiness, but what about my daughter? My beautiful perfect innocent daughter?

My self esteem and beliefs can’t just change like a light switch. I honestly am at a loss. How do I move on realistically with where I am at today. How am I ever going to be able to love myself, let alone love someone else. No wonder I can’t move on from my marriage/divorce. I have overcome SO much in my life, but this is the one thing that is holding me back from saying I am truly happy. How can I stop hiding? How can I look in the mirror and see what I am supposed to see?

xoxo

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “light switch

  1. This is so touching. Of course, I want to tell you that you should be comfortable in your own skin and not strive to look like everybody else.
    I am terribly thin…so thin that my pelvic bones and ribs show. I never wear shorts or shirt sleeves shirts anymore. People come up to me and ask how I manage to “stay so thin.” I want to slap them.
    Four years ago, I lost my appetite when my now ex decided to treat me like a whore.
    Yes, I’m thin but that’s who I am. You are who you are and with what you have suffered…and survived, you should be proud. Stop comparing yourself to others and just be the beautiful human being you are. If somebody finds fault and has the audacity to voice their disapproval….honey….you don’t need them in your life.

    Like

    1. Thank you for commenting. You have some great advice and it’s always nice to hear others and their perspective and what they have been through. There is so much knowledge that can come from others. I am so sorry that you have gone through what you have. You are a strong woman. I appreciate your kind words. It’s very helpful to hear/read. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “How do I move on realistically with where I am at today. ”

    There is really only one way. Up until now you have been trying to solve your problems on your own and with the help of your family and friends. As you can see none of this has been effective long term. So you have to change your approach. You are not the only one who has encountered and suffered from self esteem problems – which are caused by appearance, poverty, lack of education, peer pressure, or by one of a host of other problems, the list is many. No, as I see it, you need the help of a trained professional experienced self esteem counsellor. Google “self esteem counselling”. Read up on the subject. Only someone trained to effectively guide you, and it has to be a customised approach that applies strictly to your specific situation, will produce results. You must choose someone carefully, someone whom you can be comfortable with. You may think that you can’t afford to go this route but really, can you afford not to? Think it over and discuss it with your mom and/or others close to you. Please !!! – Do not put it off.

    Like

    1. Rob, I think you are dead on. How can I not afford to? I loved reading that part because it’s so true. I didn’t realize there was therapy that was specialized in self esteem. I mean I guess that makes sense but I never thought of googling it like that. Everyone has their issues, if we only knew what everyone’s insecurities were, we wouldn’t feel so alone in our own, that’s for sure. Thanks for commenting and reading. xoxo

      Like

  3. I can only imagine how heartsick you feel after hearing your mother’s unchecked message. I had an a-ha moment with my mother, as well, and have forgiven her but will never forget.

    Please know it is not too late for you to have a paradigm shift. I grew up with a blond bombshell mother, a number one at everything she does mother. My first trip to weight watchers was in elementary school, praise came when I started skipping meals and I always got the “you’re too beautiful to let yourself be heavy” routine. I took my silent RAGE out on myself until I started therapy in my 30’s. I did individual counseling and also joined a psychologist run food-issues group. Eventually I realized, TRULY realized, that there was no need to feel shame. There was NOTHING to feel shame over. My mothers issues were my mothers issues, her worried self-projections.

    Currently, my weight goes up and down more than I’d like but I’m okay with it. For me, therapy was the key to that acceptance.

    P.S. I eventually told my mother she wasn’t allowed to bring up weight with me or I would end the discussion. A number of conversations ended up with me calling her out and even hanging up on her until she realized I was serious. But now…I have peace. And she still isn’t allowed to talk about weight with me.

    Like

    1. I think these are great ideas. In fact I told my mom that the topic of weight was off the table. Now I just need to follow through it, but like you said, I will never forget this. I am sorry you have been through what you have. I can’t believe you were in and out of weight watchers while in grade school. But at the same time, I guess I can believe it.. It is hard to understand when you look at kids now and think, I was that age and dealing with that? No wonder why I did what I did. Thank you so much for commenting and even reading my blog. The support is so nice. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  4. ❤ and big hugs. I am dealing with many of the same issues.
    My mother has always made a huge deal about weight, and has always been disgusted by people who were overweight, judging them immediately based on how they look. She was also constantly, CONSTANTLY making comments such as "oh, I see you have gained weight" or "Oh you lost weight, you look fantastic!".
    My ex husband also had affairs, even though I gave up everything for him and did everything I could to make our marriage work. After a childhood of feeling like I was never good enough for my mother, adding the feeling of feeling like I wasn't good enough for my husband was terrible. It almost crushed me. He was the one who asked me for a divorce 10 years ago.
    I too have gained so much weight that people don't even recognize me, and I hide in baggy clothes.
    I haven't lost a single freaking pound since I quit drinking & smoking 7 months ago, even though I run, exercise and am more active now than I ever was when I was still drinking, but I'm also just past that wonderful age of 40 where apparently it's extremely difficult to lose weight *sigh*
    I read this saying on someone else's blog and I printed it out and have it where I can see it:
    "Self-criticism is not only painful but also tremendously wrong. My body's job isn't to meet anyone's expectations – not even my own, really. It's job is to give my soul a way to live on this earth. My soul is here, and it likes the world, and that's success. My body is a success. My body is successful."
    I read that as often as I can and I have started thanking my body every morning when I get up with things like "thank you eyes for seeing the beauty in people's actions", "thank you legs for taking me on adventures", "thank you mouth for laughing at funny things". Sounds kinda corny but it takes away the physical aspect of the body parts.
    I have a long way to go, but I am starting to notice a difference in how I feel, and I have come a long, LONG way from where I was a year ago.
    I'm proud of you!

    Like

  5. My mum was always the first person to point out if I’d gained weight. My weight has gone up and down over the years too. I also struggle with self acceptance when I’m bigger. I hope you can find some peace soon, sending hugs and best wishes x

    Like

  6. Your story was very touching and sad to me. I wish you could see how beautiful you are without all the memories of past experiences. Your blog name says it all “Comingoutfromthedark.” Yet, you remain in the darkness of your past. Please come out and realize you are beautiful. Beauty is so much more than how one looks, for those looks fade as we get older, so those who you consider being so beautiful more so than yourself, will not always look that way. You need to remember that fact. You should be very proud of all you have accomplished thus far and yes, you will continue to accomplish great things…I believe in you. I am sorry you feel the way you do and how you felt you were treated growing up. If you show confidence in yourself you will start to believe and see all your beauty. That is what is beautiful having confidence. Have confidence in all the love your daughters have for you and confidence in you taking a hold of your addiction and made a choice to change that. Growing up I was a skinny toothpick and was picked on about being so thin every day. Now that I am older and I have gained a few pounds those that knew me back in the day, comments on how great the weight looks, which I don’t really care what they think because I am who I am and I own it! Just like you are who you are and need to own it! Own your accomplishment, own what a wonderful mother you are and own all that beauty within that you think doesn’t shine from within to the outside which I am sure it does, it is only you that do not see it. I pray that you begin to feel better about yourself and know your worth. I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but he made you exactly the wonderful person you are and he loves you more than anyone can love you. God, wants us to love ourselves for it is an insult to him when we do not. If you don’t believe in God, you must believe in a higher power than yourself, for how else were you able to get through all the things you have gotten through? We aren’t able to do everything on our own. I will keep you in my prayers, but I want to ask you to pray for yourself each day, by asking for the confidence you need. You are worthy and deserve to be a happy, healthy person and I believe soon you will be. We all have things we struggle with. I have a little pouch belly, but that don’t stop me from loving myself. It is what it is. Don’t worry so much about what others think of you. It is what you think about yourself that matters. If your weight is not hindering your health then stop stressing over it. You stated you have a different dad from your sisters, which of course you are going to look different, so embrace that difference. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I bet there are people that may not think your sisters are as beautiful as you think they are. You are just as beautiful! You are your type of beautiful. BELIEVE IT!! Blessings and a big hug goes out to you from me. 🙂 In time you will be just fine.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s