how

What am I doing wrong? In every sense of the word, I am moving on with my life. If someone was to look at my Facebook account, they would think, “Boy, she’s doing so well since her divorce. She seems so happy.” I am sure when people see me in person, they think the same thing. Yes for a long time, I am sure they could tell I was a mess. There was no hiding it, nor did I care to hide it. I wore it on my face, on my sleeve, in the way I walked, in the way I didn’t smile, etc.. But now, things are different. I take my kids to do fun things. I got myself on match.com. My hair is growing out and I laugh a lot more. I am going out with girlfriends and shopping. I am having family over to my house for game night. I just purchased my first car. I work at a good job. I don’t miss any kids activities. I help them with their homework. I have attempted dating (notice how I said “attempted” lol).  So please tell how how and why in God’s name do I still feel the way I do? The pain is raw and so close to the surface. I do NOT want my J back. Let me repeat, I DO NOT WANT J BACK. How could I? He constantly reminds me what a effing monster he is. But what I do want back is the dream of it all. It’s not the physical stuff I had, but what it all meant. Were we miserable 24/7 as a family? No. Did we have good times, yes. I miss THOSE times. I miss feeling like I had done everything right. I felt like I had done things right in my life. Like I had checked off a list of things I wanted and then BAM… everything reversed. Not only did I not have those things, but that must mean I am broken. Everything I pitied in my single aunt and sister for, I now was. I watched these women in my life cry for years about being lonely and feel sorry for themselves. I watched them lose respect from many people including their adult children. I have watched them go to every function alone and people always feeling sorry for them. OMG, I was now this. What did I do wrong? I am watching everything I had slip out of my hands… my family home, my money, my friends, the laughter, my cars, the envy people had for me and my life, my insurance, my expectations, my future, time with my kids, and the list could go on and on..  So instead of staying in that place of feeling sorry for myself. I stop and make myself start realizing what I’ve gained.. self respect, quality of life I didn’t have before, a new kind of laughter, a bond with my children, etc.. Looking at the positive is what has kept me sane and moving forward, but underneath the surface, I am still missing those other things. Why do I still feel like I am walking through mud and in pain? I am still going forward, but it doesn’t feel forward. It feels like I am moving, but not forward, not backward, but I guess I am moving sideways. Does that make sense? Help me. How do I MOVE TRULY FORWARD. I am not trying to fake it, but I guess I have been faking until I make it. And I am not MAKING it. It doesn’t feel fair. I don’t know how to do it. I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend. I know that doesn’t sound right, but how else do I do it? I think I could move on from this jerk if he wasn’t in my life daily, but he is. He is constantly hurting me with his words and his demeaning cut downs. I am always picking myself up off the floor and trying to be the bigger person after each humiliation or slander. WHY does it always hurt when I know what type of person he is? I honestly don’t know how to get out of this cycle. I think I am starting to move on, but he continues to push me back down, and the minute I get back up, I am back down. It’s emotional. It takes all my energy. It takes all my self worth. I still feel like I am married to the bastard when I should feel free of him. Thank God I am not under his EVERY control like when we were married, but there is a part of me that is still there. I don’t know how to let go of what was, let go of what could of been, and not let his actions still hurt me or effect me anymore even though we are dealing with our kids 50/50. Please someone give me the magic pill. I have tried for 2 years now. I don’t know what to do…

xoxo

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15 thoughts on “how

  1. “I feel like the only way for me to move on is by having a boyfriend.”

    Yes, you already know deep down that you must not give up on dating and hopefully find someone new in your life to replace your ex. And, as I’ve already suggested, you MUST reduce as much contact with your ex and have him instead contact you only through your lawyer. Unless you really really try hard and do that then that bully will still control you to some extent. It’s all too clear. So make up your mind to stop being the emotional victim to his actions towards you since he feeds on that. You may not see it but it’s all too clear to us readers (who are strangers to you in real life). Seek help from your lawyer and/or social services. They’ll guide you much better than any of us blog readers can. But it’s really up to you. Only you can take the necessary steps in this journey towards happiness for yourself. Agree?

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    1. All you say is exactly right. I know this. That last post was all just emotional, not rational. I needed to let it out. But what you say and your point of view is exactly what I need to hear. I am not so much wanting legal advice, just more somewhere I can scream if that makes sense. I appreciate your time and opinion. xoxo

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      1. By all means use this private place to rant and scream (internally) and let off some steam. Chatting about things with us, your blog readers, is definitely good therapy and i (for one) don’t mind tossing ideas back and forth with you, providing any emotional support that I might be able to give you. (hugs)

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  2. I understand where you are. I am truly, truly grateful to be rid of my ex maggot narcissist but he took everything from me. I don’t do the things you talk about doing but I live well. I just live well encapsulated within the confines of my house. I agree with Rob in that reducing as much contact with your ex as possible is a step in the right direction. Narcissist are bullies. Don’t let him continue to bully you. If a boyfriend is the answer for you, then go for it. 🙂

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  3. I empathize with everything you said. It took me a long time to realize my ex didn’t have control of me anymore, but the scars are still there. I still apologize for everything, feel guilt over dumb things like not cooking and get really scared when I do something irresponsible. This is all the leftover emotional baggage I have from my ex. I think only time will help wipe this away.
    Also, it is really easy to dwell on the good times and not on all the reasons why you left during this time. It’s easy to remember all the fun memories and not the ones where you were miserable. I would advise to just focus on the future. On healing. On turning the page with your family.
    I also totally understand when you said the part about the only way to move on is to have a new boyfriend. My boyfriend helped me immensely. Not just having that physical person next to me, but also with the emotional stuff. He is going through divorce as well, so it is nice to have that support. I would say to gain support where ever you can. Through this blog, through friends. Maybe there is a support group you could join and who knows? You may end up meeting someone like that.
    All this to say…I get it. You are not alone.

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    1. Natalie.. I really appreciate your comment more than you know. I can relate to what you said and I really need to start trying those things. I know it’s not healthy to get into a new relationship just to help me move on, in fact that sounds super unhealthy. But I know it would help me distract myself if that makes sense. I know to be truly healthy, I need to heal myself while being alone before starting over. I feel like I am getting healthier day by day but like you said the pain is still there and I still have a lot of guilt and emotions thinking back. I guess it’s perfectly normal to have some of things feelings and I just have to accept that and leave it where it is and find a new norm. It’s hard to co-parent with him cause I am reminded non stop. I am glad you found a new boyfriend and you seem happy.

      ps..I used to have a makeup blog. I did makeup for a lot of local photographers. I stopped that when I started my divorce. But check it out sometime. Remember the website is old and not up to date so some of the pictures might not be uploading anymore.. I love reading your blog and getting tips. I need them! I might have questions for you personally on make up if possible! xoxo
      http://www.makeupbymandy.blogspot.com

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  4. I loved this! It’s so nice to read that someone else is tredging through the same type of emotional quick sand I am. My STBX husband and I still live in the same home while I wait for my wonderful dogs to die (because I can’t afford an apartment that will take them) & he is divorcing me for someone 10 years younger. Logically I know that my life will be better without him but the idea of what I was led to believe we had together has made me weary of the rest of the world. I think that JB Snow said it the best way (this is my own spin)…I feel like I am living in a murder mystery or a choose your own adventure where I die everytime I choose. I honestly don’t understand why I can’t seem to find a group of empathetic people when there seems to be packs of narcissists. We are social creatures and I can’t figure out for the life of me how we can even still call ourselves human when over half of us have no actual humanity.

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    1. I’m so glad you found my blog.. I’m so sorry to hear you are going through that with your marriage. It’s hard to make sense of it. Trust me, I completely understand. I’m here for you anytime you need to talk!! Xoxo (stay strong)

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    1. Cheryl, hey you. Thank you so much for your sweet message. I really appreciate it, more than you know. Out of curiosity, how did you connect this blog and my makeup blog? I thought I did a good job at staying anonymous for specific reasons, non concerning you by any means. I am just curious how it was connected just so I know for future reference. I love people to see my make up blog. I haven’t updated it in years, but I love it. I love to read your blog as well. Again thank you so much for commenting. It really made my day. xoxo

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      1. Hi, I got there through your response you wrote back to another blogger that commented. You mentioned your makeup blog and the name of it. It was rather simple. Sorry to say, if you are being anonymous. Hope that explains things. Take care! 🙂

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