dusting yourself off

Being human, I have tripped and fallen multiple times lately, and I have failed to put it out there on my blog. So finally sitting down with my tail between my legs, I am taking the time to face my failures, the failures going on around me, and my successes.

Over the holiday was interesting. Wait, I should back up. I have mentioned my ex’s girl toy on this blog many times. He cheated on me with her. They have been together off and on since we were married. When I say off and on, I literally mean off and on. Not just a few times. I mean like bat shit crazy off and on. Like literally 8-10 times off and on. Every single time they get back together it’s a huge production. He sits me down and tells me how I need to support their relationship and try to be friends with her because she is the best thing for him and our kids and I should be thanking her. But always right before they get back together, our relationships starts to become very healthy. We stop playing the games, we do things together with the kids, and we start communicating like actual adults. And always, we have some type of plans with the kids and then when he does the sit down talk with me, he makes sure to say how he needs to cancel our plans because it is inappropriate for their relationship. For example, last year at Christmas, we planned on doing Christmas Eve and morning together. Went and bought Santa gifts together and the kids were so excited to be under one roof, knowing that we are just co-parents and nothing more. They got back together the day before and he canceled everything for Christmas, breaking my kids hearts and making me go out and purchase all new gifts myself. Well 6 months ago, his girl-toy reached out to me and apologized for coming into my kids lives so quickly each time and not being more careful with them. I explained to her my concerns and then she opened up to me about the awful abuse from him and her life with  him and how she finally has her addiction to him figured out and I was stupid and opened up to her with my own experiences with him. We had very similar stories, however I had a marriage of 12 years and two children with him. We met a few times and talked for 6 months. Well, around Christmas times again, we had plans for the kids and all of us being together. He once again canceled it and didn’t say why. I get a long message from this girl explaining herself and how much he has changed and that they are back together and she knows this time will be different. As I am reading this, I am dropping my kids off to him and she is outside with my ex. My kids immediately started crying. They know what it means when they are back together. They know that Dad spends all of his attention on her, there is always drama, and they don’t like how things change when she is around. I was about to send her a short and nice response, but when she turned around and did the ONE thing she told me she regretted and came IMMEDIATELY back into their lives, I was pretty unhappy about it. I felt like everything we shared was tossed out the window and her needs came first. I had to be reminded that I trust way too quickly and their addiction to each other outweighs my kids needs all over again. She sent me a few messages saying that she feels like I was a fraud and insincere with her all those months. I immediately realized that she is a lot like my ex and honestly, they deserve each other.

In between all of this, I met some guy online. I was really excited about him. We could talk easily and on our first date, I was not nervous but more excited. The date turned out to be a flop and it really devastated me. It discouraged me from dating.

This new year started out with drama but the past week or so, I started gaining control. I started realizing the grass will always be greener if I don’t change my attitude. I have been driving around a beater car and that hasn’t helped my self esteem but I wanted to be smart when making the decision to buy a car. I have had luxury cars in the past. My whole family drives luxury cars, and my ex and his girl both have luxury cars. So when I would be broken down on the side of the road, it was somewhat humiliating. Well, I finally was able to purchase my first nice car since my divorce. When I say nice car, I don’t mean luxury like everyone else. But it is a reliable car that I can take pride in. It was a smart purchase which makes me even more proud. I bawled like a baby on my way home from the dealership. I was so excited to surprise my kids. My kids and I have really gone through the depths of despair together, and we used to talk about the day that my hair would grow in, and we would have a new car. My kids and I sat in the garage in our new car and talked about those hard times and now realizing how far we have come. 2017 is just beginning. It’s up to me how my year will be. I know there will hard times, but I know I will get up and dust myself off and start running towards the finish line. Pain is inevitable in our lives, I know it’s something I am going to experience. The difference now is that I am not going to allow it to keep me down. I am going to find strength in each time I get up. I am going to teach my kids what to do when we fall. 2017 will be a year of excitement and taking control of my happiness. Cheers to each of you that read this novel. Let’s kick ass this year. When you fall, just get back up and keep going.

xoxo