hello, my name is doris

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Have any of you seen this movie? Last night after my kids went with their dad, I rented it on Amazon and sat down with my cheese and crackers and thought I would just get some useless entertainment. By the end, I had an extra shot of anxiety pulsing through all my veins.

Let me explain. Doris is an older adorable lady played by Sally Field. She has spent most of her life taking care of her mother, never getting out and really living a life of her own, just to find herself with a crush on a younger man in her office. She starts getting out of her comfort zone by becoming friends with him and his friends. She takes every little nice comment he says to her as a come on, while they look at her almost like an art piece.

When I was going through my divorce, I started seeing a man. As I look back, it was a very toxic relationship because I was deep into my addiction and he was the source that fed it. However, during the course of our almost 2 year relationship, I thought I truly loved him. I felt a sense of intimacy that I had been truly lacking for years in my marriage. We both were addicts and it gave us a bond that was awful and ugly, but very real. We always talked about staying together and getting healthy. I think we both wanted that ultimately, but I was stupid and naive. Now that I have got myself out of this black hole that I was in, that wasn’t really living at all. He gave me what I wanted at the time. He took away my pain or covered it up and kept me distracted as I went through the most difficult time in my life. There was no way in hell I could have ever gone through with the divorce if I wasn’t completely numb. I know that is super unhealthy to say, but I believe it to be true. I tried for 12 years. I really wish I could have, I wouldn’t have had to go through hell on earth detour and maybe, I would be in a much different place today if I would have done things differently. But I am here today, sober, away from the every day abuse, standing on my own two feet, alive, healthy, and thriving, with a lot of life’s lessons stored throughout my body. So onto where I was going with this.. After I got away from my boyfriend and got sober, I haven’t been with anyone else. I have really learned to live alone with my kids. I haven’t had an ounce of intimacy. I haven’t even had interest in anyone specific. And throughout this time my fear has grown bigger and bigger into getting comfortable with my life and being too apprehensive or picky or whatever the case may be to ever be with anyone else. I have watched so many people get married, divorced, start dating, find love again, and get re-married and I am still in the same place. I’ve tried telling myself that this is my time to get healthy and give my kids everything I got, and I believe that to be true, but what if it’s also just an excuse cause I don’t know how to look myself in the mirror and say “no one wants me.”?

I have played around with online dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble. I do them because I have no commitment to anyone, I can just “see” what’s out there. With Tinder, I only put my pictures from 5 years ago where my hair was long and beautiful, I was thinner, life was very different for me then. There is hardly ever a time with Tinder that if I swipe right (meaning I am interested in their profile and pic, that they don’t match up with me (meaning they are interested in me back). But with Bumble I threw in more recent pictures, as hard as it was. I felt like I wasn’t being honest with the person I am today, which is why I felt it was time to be more honest. I only get 10% matches. This is very hard for me to admit to. They aren’t interested in the new me. My hair is short and growing out after losing it with my health scares, and I don’t feel like I used to. It’s like a stab in the heart every time. It hurts so bad and takes the self-esteem that I’ve been slowly back building and it bulldozes it back down to nothing. I have to be honest, I am not used to having interest from other men. So every time this happens, I am reminded of my fear and how I might be stuck alone forever. Maybe I am not what other men want and especially the single men. I am not a spring chicken anymore. Things are changing for me every day. And I am dealing with all these new emotions while being sober. It’s challenging cause the pain is real and it hits deep. I even found myself missing my ex husband and ex boyfriend. This is something I don’t want to feel.

So yes, this movie was entertaining, but it scared the living hell out of me. I can honestly say, I sometimes feel like I am the Doris in my life right now. The men that used to find me attractive and give me attention, do not anymore. I don’t want to wake up 10 years from now and find myself very lonely, comfortable, and not ready to put myself out there and watching others live their lives, like I am doing currently. I keep telling myself AGE AND STAGE. I am just at a different stage in life and that will change. Am I lying to myself?

XoXo

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8 thoughts on “hello, my name is doris

  1. Sadly our society hasn’t changed since the beginning of time. Men are valued for their power and money. Women are valued for their ability to reproduce (youth) and beauty. With that being said, it doesn’t mean you will forever be alone. After 30 years of marriage, I too worried and obsessed over the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. What I finally realized was this: until I was emotionally healed, any relationship would be weak and I stood the risk of being used and hurt again. It’s been 3.5 years. I’m well on my way to emotional healing and I’m ready to take on the physical care I need, lose weight, exercise, eat healthy.
    And remember this: in the book Little Women, Meg frets about not having many suitors. Her younger sister, Amy wisely says, you don’t need a lot of suitors, just one if he’s the right one.
    Take time to heal. Be content with your life now and enjoy this moment.

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  2. I’ve never seen the movie, but I know that as I grow within myself, some of the focus have been on inspirational movies and novels. Like you, I see no real relationship, as I continue to improve me, so I make better choices to be with those who appreciate, love and respect me. Sometimes making the choice to be alone is super tough, and there have been periods, where like you, I miss the person who verbally abused and mistreated me. Those days are fewer thank goodness, and I know that I will have forgiven this person, and taken away his power. Love your blog! Hugs…RO http://www.intheknowwithro.blogspot.com

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  3. So this is totally crazy that you had written such a similar thing. I sympathize with what you’re saying here. Even knowing that what my husband did was about him and not me, it was a killer to my self esteem. And, like you mentioned, trying to gain that back while also staying “sober” and coping in different ways is hell. All of us like to feel good. All of us want to feel sought after and desirable…especially when you’re dealing with age and a changing body. You are not alone. And you are beautiful. You are doing incredible things with your life. Keep healing and growing. I totally understand what a hard thing this is. You are so much more than just beautiful.

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  4. I agree with Dede, that you have come so far, and now is the time to be content with your life as it is now and enjoy the moments. I also agree with what she quoted from little women, about you suitor, but the right suitor. You want someone that is going to appreciate you for who you are as a whole person. You will get there…keep the faith.

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    1. You have no idea how much your comment helped me feeling confident in where I am and there is no where else I need to be right now. I feel like I am forcing myself to date right now and it feels super forced.

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      1. You shouldn’t allow anyone to make you do or feel you need to do what doesn’t feel right for you. Go with your gut and heart and you will do what is best for you. Have a nice holiday!

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