losing it all

Once upon a time I had it all. The perfect life. Or it looked like it, and that’s all that matters right? I look back and I was beautiful. I had the perfect family. The perfect body. The perfect kids. The perfect house. The perfect friends. I was one lucky girl. And like many of us are guilty of, during the time, I was so focused on what I didn’t have. I was bulimic. I was trying to keep my husband from straying. I was trying to keep up with all the Smith’s and the Jones’s next door. I was trying to cut back from taking 30 pain killers that day so I didn’t have to “feel”. I was trying to run that extra mile a little faster. I was attempting to be a better cook. The list could go on and on and on. It was never enough, I was never enough. I look back at my old pictures and I looked great and my life looked amazing, but my eyes are dark, empty, and sad. I am screaming out my insecurities and personal torment, hoping and praying someone would save me. Little did I know my life would soon be taking a huge turn for the worse, falling apart, and I would end up losing all the things I didn’t realize I had, all along.

I should have seen it coming. Looking back, the signs were all there. I should have known. I had many sleepless nights next to my husband of 10 years, questioning whether he was staying faithful after his 1st affair.. That was very painful, but what was even more excruciating was the mind games that he played with me, the criticizing, always being blamed for any and everything that went wrong, the walking on egg-shells, the silent treatment, always being told to do better, etc.. I knew there was something wrong with how he treated me, but I didn’t realize there was an actual name for it. Narcissism or NCP (narcissistic personality disorder). I used to always say he was narcissistic, but I didn’t realize the extent of what that word meant until we started our divorce and I started educating myself and the light bulb came on. I finally felt understood after years and years of not being able to describe what he would do to me, such as the gas lighting and silent treatments and putting me in knots until I thought I was crazy or there was something wrong with me. It was as if these professionals had studied our relationship the entire 10 years and put a name to it.

As I was dealing with a lot of this pain, I was taking whatever I could get my hands on and still be a decent mother. I say decent because, I still kept up the front and functioned, but I kept myself distracted from actually living. It was almost impossible to be present. But I guess that’s how I wanted it. Eventually as most addicts explain, I was introduced to black … No one ever used the word heroin. I often wondered if they would have used that wording, if I would have run? But at the time, I was in such a the perfect place for that drug to come in and completely take over my life. Boy, do I ever wish I could have put a huge barrier between myself and these so called friends and the pain that drove me to that dark place. Just like any addicts story, I didn’t immediately become a junkie like you imagine. I stayed as a “high functioning” addict for a while. During this time, the drugs did their job by putting me in a very numb place where I didn’t want to deal with my husbands bull shit nor did I have to feel the pain that I was in on a daily basis. I would never say that drugs were EVER a good thing, but they gave me the push I needed to leave him. It’s almost like I knew I would NEVER leave him. I would stay and deal with him hurting me for the rest of my life and the only way I could do it was if I was completely in a drugged up or numb place. If I could change anything, I would have done it the right way where I was sober and clear-headed, where I could start the healing process and not take myself down a darker more challenging path. But leave it up to me to learn everything the hard way:)

The divorce was grueling. He knew I was not in my right frame of mind, so it was super easy to blame me for the divorce, but he had to know deep down that he put us in the path of destruction, and I pulled the trigger. Like my dad would always say, ” you can only kick a dog so much until they run away and never come back.” It was kinda the same thing with me. Slowly, my health started dwindling. I thought it was from using. And maybe it was. But I think there was something wrong with me from beforehand, and from using and my stress, it made it get ten times worse. I had WEIRD symptoms. Stuff I could never describe without feeling insane. I would attempt going to doctor after doctor, and they would say that I need to go to a therapist. Itching all over, hair falling out of my head like crazy, feeling like I had a tight headband on my head all the time as if I was losing all my feeling in my head and not getting any circulation in my head, hands, feet, etc.. The way my hair was growing on my head was wrong. Weird right?  No one believed me, I thought I was going crazy till one day I woke up and there was a huge bald spot right in the middle of my head at the crown. It was devastating. My eye lashes and eyebrows had fallen out. I didn’t even recognize myself. People thought I was doing it to myself. My skin looked and felt so different. I really wanted to die. During this time, I watched my husband with this beautiful girl he had an affair during our marriage. It was so hard not to use and keep numbing myself. The pain was too raw. I really begged to not wake up in the morning so many nights. No one understood how dark I felt and was. I lost all my friends that I had for so many years. It was such a confusing time because I knew I was doing things I shouldn’t, but my health was unbearable and the emotional pain with my divorce hurt just as bad. My poor parents tried time after time to help pull me out of this hole I was in, and I would try but fall back every time.

I’ll never forget trying to wear wigs. It wasn’t something I could do. I hated faking I had hair.  I just wanted to stay in a dark house and never come out. I couldn’t look in the mirror. The only time I spent with my kids was watching movies in my room because I couldn’t go out and do anything with them. People that knew me didn’t recognize me. My feet and legs started swelling. No one could give me answers. I ended up in the hospital at detox and just hoping that if I got clean that my health would get better. I relapsed right out of the hospital. Met some awesome people along the way but couldn’t get better. I watched my kids play outside while I was in a dark room. I watched my family go do fun things while I laid in bed almost dead. My life revolved around my addiction and the shame that consumed me. It was a deadly cycle.

After a few years, I never thought I could or would be a normal person. Looking at old pictures were too hard for me. For so long I thought I was ugly when I was beautiful. I thought I was fat, when really I was healthy and thin. I was a great mom when I thought I was a bad one. I was a great wife when I thought he could do better. Why did it take me going through something so tragic to learn such valuable lessons? I don’t know how I pulled myself out of such a dark place, but somehow I did and today I am a year and 8 months sober. I repeat, I AM ONE YEAR AND 8 WHOLE MONTHS SOBER!!!! It is an honest to God miracle. After finally getting a diagnosis called Diffuse Alopecia (extremely rare) my hair is finally coming in. I still deal with every day problems and my health isn’t perfect but I finally feel “normal” and happy. I still deal with my narcissistic ex and his on and off  again “girlfriend”. My life is far from perfect, but I appreciate my life at a whole new level. My whole life is my kids and I don’t take one day for granted like I did before. I am not as thin as I was once, but no longer do I throw up my food or count every calorie. After losing it all, I now have everything and I am so proud to be where I am. There isn’t one person out there that doesn’t have their insecurities and isn’t struggling  with being okay with who they are, but why get to the point of losing it all before you can appreciate your flaws and enjoy the ride along the way?

Having my sobriety and health is worth everything I went through. I am proud of who I am today and what I have overcome. For anyone in the dark place, no matter at what stage. DO NOT GIVE UP. If I can to where I am today, there is hope for you. Your life matters. You are important and worth it. Life is hard and the struggle is absolutely real, you aren’t alone. No one is perfect. Nobody lives a perfect life. But I now have the rest of my life to enjoy and live, might as well learn to love myself along the way.

XoXo

 

 

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34 thoughts on “losing it all

  1. Good for you…you have take a huge step toward healing! I can’t speak to the addiction. I have only seen it second-hand but I can only imagine that it is horrible.
    Sending hope and hugs. 🙂

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      1. I have always thought I was missing a gene. My children inherited the alcoholic gene from Loser and his mama.
        There is something about me that could have always cared less about drugs, alcohol or even soda. I’m not being flip when I say that it’s just another one of my many faults. Almost my entire life I have been chastised and ridiculed…”you’re the only person in the world who has never had a drink…never smoked pot….never taken a pain pill…never even had a coca-cola.” I was treated like a leper.
        But…having two alcoholic children now, like I said….I have seen what addiction can do. Sigh.

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  2. This was the first post of yours I read .thank you for reading mine-we share some life story commonality’s. Failing health from holes we fall into. Just ugly shit.
    ..I too knew something was “wrong” or different or not right with my ex. I read a summary on a book which described my relationship and bingo…like you said “light bulb”. You are so strong to have come out of tbe dark and from those chains that bound you. Wonderful!

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      1. Exactly..in the past people that knew “him” aka NPD didn’t believe me. They appear so golden…they as in plural. I am sure you suffered the smear campaign…so yes- hello and nice to meet you. 😉

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  3. Great post- I look forward to following your journey. I believe we all look back and think, what the hell was I doing thinking I wasn’t good enough or looked good enough- it was exactly the opposite. You are a strong women! Congratulations on 1 year and 8 months.

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  4. what courage it takes for you to open up about this, I love that you are using your story to help others heal, I’m looking forward to following your journey 🙂

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  5. So glad you have moves forward. Amazing that you had such strength in you despite all the darkness of a narcissist. Very interesting to read your story!!
    Looking forward to following your journey.
    Love/ SurvivedNarc

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    1. Thank you so much. As you know, you get to a point in your life where you literally can’t handle another day like that. I still deal with him and it’s even hard still.Hope things are going better for you. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I will be happy to follow your journey and hope to see things get easier and happier for both you and me in the future… I have real bad days but with No Contact I also started to have some good days, thankfully. Take care!
        🙂

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  6. Just wow. What a story. I hurt for you having to deal with the infidelity and your own dark addiction. But one year and 8 months is incredible. You have a beautiful story to tell. Don’t ever stop who you are becoming.

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  7. Wow – we have more capacity than we realise. Meditation is a great way to heal. I do a lot of meditation Raja Yoga Meditation taught by the Brahma Kumaris . Brahma Kumaris is a global organisation , everything is FREE, and I am sure they will be in your country /City. http://www.brahmakumaris.org/

    We have so much power in our soul, the power to face, the power to judge, the courage to take the right step even if it leaves us alone We I do Raja Yoga Meditation and connect to the supreme one is strengthened and one is healed.

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  8. Reblogged this on Project Believe In Yourself and commented:
    A Brilliant article to read if you got time.
    Sometimes, we gotta appreciate what we have and most importantly, never focus too much on the things we don’t have. That’s usually when you start to lose yourself.

    Read till the end and you’d get this Message to take away:
    NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF.

    Don’t know the name of the author, she didn’t share but kudos to her! (Benjamin’s Note to Author: “Kudos to you! Stay Strong and inspiring!”)

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  9. This is so powerful that i am stunned! So happy to have found your blog! You are one hell of a badass from overcoming all this! *follows enthusiastically*\,,/(^_^)\,,/

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  10. Personally, I don’t believe we were put here to suffer. I do believe we were put here to learn. My beloved Mother used to always say: “Life is Hard By the Yard, By the Inch It’s a Cinch.” What this means to me is, we have to take life slow and easy. We have to fail forward, and come back celebrating our victories, having learned from our defeats. If it’s for us, so will it remain. You’ve come back, and as a result can now testify. Highest and Best to you and yours!

    Liked by 1 person

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