people watching

So this weekend, my kids and I got up on Sunday and decided instead of going to church we were going to enjoy the day together and do a few things we hadn’t done in a while. I asked them where they wanted to go for brunch. We used to do this quite a bit with their dad before the divorce so there was a feeling of routine and something comfortable about it yet it definitely felt new and different. It felt different to be the one steering the ship, or the captain as most people would say.  We went over to a quaint & local ma & pa shop. While sitting outside while waiting to be seated, it was an idea time to people watch. Lots of young college kids getting together after a night of drinking, a few young families, and as I looked around, I was the only single mom. There was a sense of entitlement as I looked around thinking, look at me go. I am finally at that stage where I am an independent mom and my kids are old enough to not throw a tantrum at the table when they don’t have crayons for them to color on the menu. I am finally that mom that is having a fun light hearted conversation with her kids and there seems to be some laughing going on. I remember being that young mom thinking how nice it looked to be in that place and hoped one day that I could be “that” mom. As I was enjoying the moment and my current cool mom status, I looked up at this very good looking couple that looked like they were pulled right out of a hip catalogue. Unfortunately it kinda ruined my proud moment and changed it immediately to a place of pity and feeling sorry for myself. Watching the way they were holding hands, with both of them wearing their flip flops and sunglasses, entangling their legs while sitting on the bench. I couldn’t help but think about their night before.. drinking with some friends and having some dinner and after going back to their apartment just to watch a movie and make love while they cuddled all night and wake up to go get brunch. Now I am usually not a hopeless romantic, I get that it doesn’t usually go that perfect, and if it happened to be perfect that night, it usually is followed by breaking up the next week, but that didn’t matter to me then. It made me start feeling lonely and missing a man grabbing my hand or putting my hair behind my ear cause it was in my face. Or waking up together  and having the rest of the day to talk and grab coffee.

Now coming back to reality, I was super grateful to be there with kids that love me and will always be my best friends. I know that somehow one day there will be a time that I have that man by my side (I sure hope so), but whatever the reason, it’s not time for him. It’s time for my kids. It’s time to get to know them and myself. To be the three musketeers and really enjoy our new dynamic and new bond. It will not always be like this, and one day I will wish I could go back to this time. So I am trying to enjoy and really take each tender moment not to just be BY them, but be WITH them.

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7 thoughts on “people watching

  1. Lovely post I really empathize with your struggle. I think you are so right to be putting your children first as you make this journey through sobriety as you will be so much more available to them now you are sober than you were when you were drinking. I share your yearning to have a man in my life – I’m not sure if you’ve seen my posts on dating but I am actively looking for love. This is partly because now all my addictions and mental health problems are finally in recovery for the first time in my life I feel ready to have a child. You are so lucky to have yours. Thanks for following my blog.

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  2. I can relate to the part where you felt you are the only single mom in the place, I have often been in situations where I was the only single parent. Before it used to make me feel different and awkward, but now I am proud of single-handedly doing everything for my son.
    Keep going, you are doing a great job!

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