that time again

On Friday I got the same semi- annual phone call from my ex. Whenever he doesn’t get right to the point, I know he is trying to tell me something. After trying to butter me up with discussing how great our kids were, he threw it out. He was back together with the same girl that broke up my marriage. The same girl that caused so many problems in my life. It’s as almost as if they are addicted to one another. They have broke up and got back together going on 9 times. As much as it shouldn’t hurt me, it does. I can’t lie. The pain is still there and real. It’s as almost as if it takes away my breath when he tells me they are making it work again. What goes through my mind is dropping off my kids to them. Watching them play house with MY kids. Her taking over. I think about my son walking in on them having sex on the kitchen counter during the middle of dinner time. I think about all the photos that get posted on social media of them in their swimsuits with her perfect 5 star body, with her arms around my kids as if she gave birth to them. I think about all the weekends that will go out of town to fun places to wow my kids while I am sitting at home alone and feeling inadequate worrying about bills to pay on my apartment. I think about the kids coming home after being with them for the weekend, with bags of new clothes and shoes, and my kids telling me all about their fun filled weekend and what all they did. This is why it takes my breath away. A lot of it is selfish, but some of it is because I know my sweethearts are being used as toys and pawns. Also because I know the things they are seeing during those times are unhealthy. That they aren’t given the attention they deserve. And they get close to this girl and the next month, she is gone. 

It makes me wonder when it’s my turn. After losing my hair from getting Diffuse Alopecia, I put on some weight and luckily my hair is coming back, but it has completely changed how I look and most of all, how I feel about myself. I’ve been given many trials and have been overcoming them one by one, but I feel like in some ways they are SO far ahead of me. When will I find some happiness where my ex looks at me and starts to ask himself, “did I make a mistake?” I know that isn’t healthy and I shouldn’t care about that, but truth is, I do. I want him to miss me and wonder what he could have done differently to save our family.

He is a narcissist and more than likely he will never feel those ways, but I want it to happen. I want to at least feel like I am confident enough that I know he wishes it even without having proof. I want to look thin and feel beautiful. I want a man to want me and think I am a catch. All these things are ridiculous but it’s my feelings right now.

I feel like he looks at me and pitty’s me. Thinks, “thank god I didn’t stay with her.” He looks at his girlfriend now and thinks how lucky he is. I couldn’t handle anymore of his abuse and I KNOW that, but why do I still have these feelings? Is it from not being healthy emotionally? 

These are the things I do know… I am sober. I have cleaned up my life so much. I put my kiddos first before anything. I do the best I can to be a better person every single day. I am lucky to have a second chance. I am lucky to be coming out from the dark past I had. But these are feelings that follow me. What keeps me going is reminding myself of all the changes I’ve made and where I have come from. I guess that will keep me going till something changes for the better. So next time when I get the phone call from my ex, it won’t take my breath away. It won’t hurt. It will not affect me, because it won’t matter.

XoXo

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “that time again

  1. This is so raw and honest. I could feel your pain through your words. I envy your ability to not hold anything back. Thanks for following, I’m following you back, and very excited to read more!

    Like

  2. Thank you so much.. I don’t know why but after I hit the “publish” button it feels refreshing or like a weight has been lifted, yet I still have a little bit of a “should I have been that brutally honest?” lol. Thanks for following.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel you on so many levels. I escaped from an abusive narcissist many years before getting into recovery. My life was changed when someone suggested I read “Men who hate women and the women who love them”. It’s a fairly old book but it made a WORLD of difference for me.
    So glad you’re in recovery. Your kids deserve your best.As far as the ex goes, unless your kids are with him, you can let him speak to your voice mail, and call him back if & when YOU’RE ready. 😉

    Like

    1. Thanks Abbie. It makes a huge difference when you know someone else understands you and has experienced these same crazy feelings. I wish he didn’t effect me so bad still. I want so bad to be in a happy healthy relationship someday.

      Like

      1. I hope you’ll get a Sponsor and begin working the steps soon. The thing about we codependents is, we attract narcissists and they, in turn, suck the life out of us, like the emotional vampires they are…counselling as well as diving into recovery is the only way I’m where I am, today. Not necessarily sane, but I don’t spend a fraction of the amount of time crying, that I once did.
        ❤ Hugs

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ah, this is hard to read so must have been so difficult to write. How brave and honest. Easier said then done, but try not to torture yourself. My kids also return home with bags full of new things I can’t afford to buy them, and tales of expensive meals out and excursions, etc. But do you know what? I know they treasure the time I give them more. The hours spent reading, playing, drawing, laughing, dancing, baking together. The normal stuff.

    And as for the other woman. Pah. She can’t be that fabulous if he keeps dumping her.

    Like

  5. Oh honey, there is so much that breaks my heart about this. I completely understand hoping that they will regret not choosing you. It is truly unbearable sometimes to see what should have been ours…family and lives. I also hope for a time when these men come to feel what it’s like. Until then, know that you are loved. That you are enough and that you are so very much more than beautiful.

    Like

  6. Know this COFTD, they keep breaking up because he is likely a sex addict and is a narcissist. Please don’t lower your standards to wishing THAT type of man wants and desires you. Know that you have worked TOO DAMN HARD to get and stay sober to lower yourself to his level. Look beyond the pathetic materialistic shallowness that your ex and his on again off again sex toy are, and set your sights on your own emotional and physical well being. When you are in the right place and your heart is ready, you are going to look back at this post and say, “What the hell was I thinking?!?! I am SOOOOOO much better than that!” Trust me…♥️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for such a great comment to my post. When I read what you say, it put my head a little higher and feeling more confident. It’s easy to go back into my shell and start feeling insecure like he hopes to keep me. But thank you for the reminder. I sure hope so and can’t wait for the day I can look at that and think “what was I thinking?”

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s