haunting

My dreams are being haunted. They are being haunted by what was my reality a few years ago. Yes, there is a sense of relief when I wake up and realize I am not in that place anymore, however I really hurt my life and everything and everyone involved in it. I wish it was just a bad dream but it’s not. I really did hurt people that I love and care about. I changed everything about my life. Yes I need to be forgiven and forgive myself, but that pain was real and still is. There isn’t a damn thing I can do about it now besides continue living a good and authentic life now. Be a better mom, daughter, sister, cousin, friend, co-worker, employee, ex-wife, and law abiding citizen. Will that ever make up for it? Is that enough? Will I be able to sleep peacefully without being haunted by this? I am ready to let it go but I am not sure if it will ever be forgotten. I have specific memories of getting caught. The look on my boss’s face when he let me go. The way I felt when I forgot to pick up my kids again from school. Lying when being caught red handed. Taking a drug test, knowing it was positive. Walking into court fighting for custody. The look on my dad’s face when he asked me if I was still using. Disappointing my kids when I couldn’t spend time with them cause I was too busy not staying sick. The thoughts and memories don’t stop racing through my head while trying to sleep. Thank God when I wake up, I look over and see my precious kids lying next to me knowing it isn’t my reality anymore, but if it’s possible, how do I let it go- how many more nightmares do I have to wake from?

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “haunting

  1. it just takes time although I didn’t have a drug problem I did make the worst choice ever in a partner and the ramifications it had for my family were devastating – if I wasn’t the only parent my girls had I def would have killed him and then myself becaue I didn’t deserve to live but they don’t have anyone else to take care of them. I really thought I’d never be happy again but I was wrong and even though I my bad decisions put my kids in harms way they forgave me.

    Like

    1. That’s good to know that there is life after all of that. I am glad you are happy. I am lonely but happier than I was a year ago. Slowly but surely I am starting to be more social. I am scared I’ll never meet anyone but I know that’s a lie I tell myself. Thanks for reading and commenting. Look forward to getting to know you.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s