change

Throughout my day as I work at my desk, any small memory that I recall is like a small wound being opened in my heart. There’s not a whole lot I can do to change or control that. In our lives, we are made up of where we have been and what we have done and with each passing day little things remind us of them. Not a whole lot in my life is familiar. I want to say my children are the one thing that doesn’t change, but they change every day. They are not the same as they were when they were dependent on me as their mother. Our relationship is just as close or even closer, but definitely different. Any small memory I have of them before now, hurts. I smile thinking of the cute things they did or have done- but because of the way things have changed in our family, there is pain associated with it. I often wonder if I am the only divorcee or single mom that experiences these feelings. Feelings of guilt for leaving their dad. Feelings of guilt for changing what they knew and were comfortable with. Changing what family means to them and what their day to day lives look like. Should I have put my daily happiness aside for them to have mommy and daddy together? If I would have stayed, would or could I have become happier than I once was? Would my kids be happier? Did I do the wrong thing? orrrrrrrr Did I rip the bandaid off something that wasn’t going to get better? Did I do something that was the best for all of us? Every birthday is a reminder of what it all used to be, every anniversary hurts. Facebook memories that pop up daily suck, bad. Maybe one day it won’t hurt like it does now.

XoXo

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2 thoughts on “change

  1. Don’t fall for the lie your mind tries to feed you when it tells you you’re alone in your journey. Others mothers are there or have been there. I think it’s fantastic that you’re so in tune to your emotions-not everyone is. Great read!

    Like

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